Sigh. 

Tomorrow is Judgment Day.

I managed to cry it out a little last night. It hurt a little lesser, but it became clearer that I can't bear to leave just yet. I understand the feeling now, when others say they are going through a tough time and heartbreak. Yes, it really hurts. Feels like your heart is unstable and very heavy inside. Your mood just drops and you feel moodless, loveless and simply hopeless. You can't do much, you eat lesser and you sleep more. Sleeping seems to relief you of your reality, but it haunts you even more in dreams, where sweet memories become a sign of denial of reality, leaving you awakening with much disappointment.

Over the past few days, I've really kept myself busy - doing mindless stuff and just trying to escape reality. I isolated myself from the world, just to shield my own pride and pain which I'm going through. The world shouldn't see me in this state, because I am a player - but now I'm being played. Karma you might say it, and sins that I have to repay. This pain is too much - it is too overwhelming. There are times when I can put the memories and thoughts aside, but when they come back to me - frowning is back, and I have to hide my face from the world.

I now know how hard is it for one to really let go, especially when you've invested too much into this. It is not an overnight initiative, nor a change in heart. I can't just call it quits overnight and resume a normal life without her. It is not that simple. It is a painful process, because you now know what you used to do with her, cannot be done with her anymore. I'm a soreful situation now because I don't even know what sparked her sudden lack of interest and tiresome. 

With the coming of 13th February, I lay out a grand finale plan, though with much thrill, but also with much uncertainty of the situation's outcome. In a movie, probably things will play out the way you want it to be. For reality, I might not be able to go ahead with it. A lot is at stake here, and I know I'm going to fall real badly. It must be done. I have to do something about it. This is how much and how far I will go for it. It is not something which you can call it quits and uninstall. 

My analytic brain is going crazy, just thinking about the many computations and scenarios that will play out tomorrow. I need to say my peace. That's what I really need to do. The rest of the world, you're on queue for now. 

"Laying out the grand finale" - frostdude