Reading back on my previous entry, I can probably say that this 1 week+ has been a very very rocky week for me.

Maybe, I'm just new to this whole relationship thingy. I have never experienced such a strong affection for someone, so much so that I will ever put myself in that position to fuck raw, pay for your meals or even consider marriage. For me, all these are just plain risk and expenses.

With her - I feel that the sky is no limit, and boundaries are meant to be broken. But, all these are going to change in a matter of 2 weeks. Watch out for my next few blog post after Valentine's Day. I myself don't even know what is coming up next.

As rocky as it has been, it has gotten worse. After much discussion, I've realized that this dual identity which I've adopted is indeed eating me alive. Both identities are the real me, but they seek different expectations and are willing to do different things. The intent of these identities were to actually protect me in the time of need, to safeguard my career and to ensure ease of escape. 

These identities however need to be rethink again, because of conflicting interests and agenda - I am unable to comprehend what is really required of me. I have carved out many sides, but all of which convergent into 2 main identities; "The Sane" and "The Insatiable".

I have always managed to keep my Insatiable at bay, because he is one who goes all out, to bring the joy in my life, to extend beyond risks and boundaries and to ensure that the boring me doesn't eat him alive. He has always been captive of the natural desires and pleasures such as sex, love, deceit, stalking and stealing.

After meeting this international love, he has been given that chance to let loose and occasionally takeover during nights of phone conversation, and even times where he is required to reply messages. Things are getting out of control. He is getting loose, eating inside of me. I can feel him creeping into my sanity, and yelling inside as to why I'm not doing anything about it. He pulls my skin in anger and frustration and just leaves me venting my anger. Even First-Person Shooters now can't help the situation, he is beyond me already. He steps out of my values and principles and behave recklessly.

If you have been following the posts, you would realise that the international love and I used to engage in endless conversation for the first 2 months. It was warm, it was good. I think I can never forget those times where we just spoke for 3hours, after hanging up - just calling each other again. It was perfect, it was the best time of my life. I never could comprehend the level of attention we were giving each other - that she was giving me. My attention never dropped.

Soon there was a time where we grew busy, and started to do periodic calls - 3 times a week. Then just recently, she commented the boredom of talking so often. I was quite devastated and shocked that we have already reduced the frequency of conversation. Sigh, I always feel that the backbone for a successful long distance relationship is communication and keeping the channel/feelings open. Like all other sort of relationships, communication is key. Once you shut someone out, there's no turning back.

So, I reluctantly agreed to just 1-2 times a week, or at best once in a blue moon. Little did I know, I was actually making the wrong mistake. We tried it for a week. The freedom felt good, but the stalking grew worse. In fact, how I'm feeling is that the more she pulls away, the more clingy/stalky I become. By the 10th day, she said she was like talking to a stranger. By the 13th day, the silence was killing me and she was suddenly out of words. 

Today, the 14th day she expressed her doubts about herself being able to hold on any longer. I asked if it was my fault and any recovery which I can fix or do. Her response was as I predicted, that she had shut me out of the picture. After bouncing many messages, she ended with a "Break Up La".

Confusedly, this isn't the first time she has threatened to leave me. Many angles that I will argue that I'm not at fault here, but I would also agree that it won't work out well - at least I was willing to give it a try for a year. I had it all worked out. The calendar, the flights and dates to meet her, the things we would do together and places we would have gone. But, how can I ever say that she didn't put in her best? I just could feel that after the 2nd month, she grew unappreciative, and inattentive of my presence, even with me sitting right in her face at the dinner table.

But times like these, I ask myself where would I ever get a girl just like her in my life, given the state of life which I'm in? She's all that I want in a girl, minus away the attitude, poor communication and maturity. I will give my last shot during V-day which is in 11 days time. As for the March air-tickets, if I pay now, it would be 91$, if I pay later then it will be 101$. The 10$ is probably something worth losing out. So March tickets, probably not yet.

"My life is in a mess. My dual identities are eating me away, and leaving me with a great emptiness which I've used to bury but is now exposed and giving me a heartache warfare. " - frostdude