It hurts. It really hurts. Opening myself up to all the thorns, which I have managed to preserve myself from. Love hurts, and now I know. 

It isn't over, though as much as I want it to be over. I want this pain, this worry, this urge to always check my phone, and this uncertainty/distrust to be over. But, I just can't shake it off. I've invested too much, I've given up so much and I've opened up too much. Is it a matter of a male's pride to say that I won't call it quits so easily?

I'm prideful of my actions, because it took effort and it took courage. Simply walking away right now, just shows how much I don't care and that it is worth releasing from my care, because I still feel something for her. I'm actually at the weakest point of my life now, where the heart utterly is so soft, and it just feels so light heart now. 

There is a part of me which is said to be prideful, which will go all out for this international love. This side of me would just do whatever that matters, and rush up for all her needs. This part of me isn't thinking right, he's so clingy in his own ways, because the feeling is so great, that he just wants her all to himself, forever. He's such a jealous brat, and wants to know everything and every moment of her. He's such a stalker, and that's what scares me. He ignores the reality of things, and just wants to relive this blissful moment over and over again. He tortures me deeply, with fluctuations of emotional blasts and it's pain staking. He makes me throw my phone around, like it won't matter and it won't spoil. He makes me frustrated because he reminds me how much I want her by my side every moment. He reminds me of my insecurities, my imperfections and my flaws which other guys whom she is or isn't with, has. He reminds me of how much I need to improve and change for her. He's so bias that I have no say, and I'm compelled to follow. He kicks me to act, to do better and to plan ahead. He occupies my leisure time and keeps me on this love track. He makes me plan ahead for the next 3 months to the full year of flights ahead. He makes me want to see her, call her, text her and bomb her with love. I'm such a loser and sucker for all that love matters.

The other part of me is still alive, but being held back by the prideful one above. I know of the realities. I've spoken and received many inputs from others. I'm aware of the variables that are at stake, but this prideful one is eating me alive day by day. I can't stand it. I've lost my identity altogether. I'm no longer in control. I literally have to turn off my phone to suppress my obsession, to kick the habit and live my own life. But I know I can't. The other half of me would nudge me from time to time, with loss thoughts of silliness  though I may find them to be true. I trust, I trust and I trust, but that's what I say, but others are putting wild thoughts in my mind. How can I ignore them entirely? The reality side of me tells me to think wholesome, to identify contingencies, to make sense of my actions and bring myself back to reality. These thoughts are conflicting because her actions speak louder. I hate the moments where she doesn't reply, her wild nights, her drinking, her playful socialization, her leeching from other guys, and her lack of attention after the first 2 months. She blames it on work, but I just try to sweep it under the carpet. It is just too much to bear. I do my very best for her, but never would I ever ask her to change her ways unless she does so voluntarily. I bear with it, because that's who she is. There was one who questioned me that doing so much for her, is only a 1-way street worth of perception of value and love, but does she appreciate it? That's another topic altogether.

Now, comparing the 2 schools of thought (previous 2 paragraphs), this is where I stand right now - on a confused trail of pride versus reality. I'm suffering now because I care too much, and the prideful side is eating me away. The heart calls, the heart aches, the heart is beating weakly. I can't seem to find any grounds where I don't remind myself not to care. In this state, I don't feel like doing anything, and everything seems to just go wrong. Games are not helping me to distract or relief because they are not responding correctly after installation. 

"Love hurts, and now I know." - frostdude