Hey, you may think i have forgotten about you.. but it is not so..
It's been a year since I entered this realm, my safe haven. Consciously, I've been thinking that I do not really need someone to talk to, but considering the number of people I've tried to open up to in the past, they have never really truly understood my situation.
Keeping work aside, I have adventured into what many call "Love" again. I thought I would never find that love, maybe not true, but simply love that would seal my broken heart. The past few years, my heart has not been in the right place. Heartless, you may call it, I never really developed a fond memory or even a warm heart for anyone. Not that they do not deserve it, but whenever it ever starts to form, I find myself taking the hammer and shattering my heart; because I tell myself, "Let's not get our hopes up. What I'm referring to, is the level of receptivity and trust. I do admit I have trust issues. Insecurity and the lack of assurance in the other party, has gotten me into situations where I simply decide to turn away.
But I told myself that if ever that one fine girl comes along, that really does it right.. I'm going for her.
And so I did. Love finds you at the weirdest places, at the weirdest point in life, with the weirdest excuse for love, to love. Like as if a local relationship is already hard enough, I found myself an international girlfriend. Not to say that I've been really picky about the type of girlfriend I want, but I just couldnt find it in myself to put an extra effort for someone, some girl whom I cant bear myself to be around.
So, this international girlfriend, I would describe her as the wonders of my fondest memories - that no other lady in Singapore would provide me with. Well, not that I have exhaustively searched through the ladies in Singapore, but I don't see any in my reach right now.
Why is this international girlfriend so good? I tell myself that she has qualities that I look for in a lady. We started off as a very not-so-serious pace, like any other but I never knew she could be so much more. But if only she tried more, but for now she would have to do.
I speak of her as the lady of godness, the song that speaks to my soul, but she would be the one to break my darkest heart once again. Have you ever had a gf whom you miss so much, that your heart starts to tremble? That you spend your day and night, checking your phone, checking your Facebook, just to see if she's around - just to get her attention. That's how my heart is feeling right now.
When I'm with her, the sky is no limit. She treats me like I'm the only one. Her touch as her arms go around mine, sliding downwards to my hands, feeling her warm and sweaty palms. Her smile is all so captivating, but it is also so rare for her true smile comes out only with true happiness. Her eyes speak to me like verbal dialogue, but I do not hear a thing.
Alluring and intensified, she draws me closer with her strange heart. I find brilliance in the little acts she does, the subtle and uncommon way of expressing herself. Many say she has issues with expressing feelings. But I know what thing is true, is that she is receptive enough for me. It is all straight and lose-the-catch sort, where truth to be told, and you can really be yourself.
Being yourself is one thing. She makes you want to improve yourself voluntarily so. Is this the longness for an emotional attachment getting the worst of me? That I have not been ever loved so deeply before. Emotions are such a fragile thing.
But you may ask why am I feeling like this, when she's the better among the rest? I understand that the biggest variable is "distance". I thought I CAN do it, just 3 days with her, every month or bimonthly will do, but what is drawing me back to her? Even with 5 days away from seeing her, I just sense that I'm going to breakdown, that my heart is unable to take this feeling.
To add to her other reasons for imperfection, is her large group of GUY friends who are relatively more happening and somehow richer to bribe with gifts. They are local - they have all the time in the world with her, whereas I have only a bare 2.5 - 5 days. As time goes by, I feel the strain in my guts that I would become greedy and want her everyday.
I asked myself why am I so sensitive that she's around them? I don't know. I find their culture very much different. They somehow adopt an open culture that a guy and a girl can just go out on a very regular basis, with one guy trying to chase her, while she is in a relationship with another guy. I find it very odd. Local culture here, the female would just keep to her main guy, or either seek a group gathering instead of a 1on1.
"Envy has a way of pinching your deepest desires" - thats what I thought. When jealousy gets to you, there's no turning back. Even if I try to shut it out, I find myself at a zero-sum gain as I'm still battling it inside. No one really knows it. My parents do not see it, but in my mind, mentally I'm so drained out.
As selfish as I want to be, I really want her all to myself. Doesn't any guy want the same when he meets the right woman? Am I allowed to be this selfish? I told myself, if ever she settles to Singapore, I would marry her. This is the feeling of assurance where marriage is concerned. But, what is holding her back from coming here? It is something which goes down a long journey of conversation which may turn out rather unfavorable. If her best friend in Singapore is unable to convince her, who am I to do so too?
I have touched on many topics which have been on my mind lately. I hate this aching feeling in my heart. It shouldn't be there. Why have I grown this heart for her? Why can't I just leave? Do I really want my break to drop on the floor again? If it took me so long to recover, how long would it take again for me to love again?
Is it right for me to create contingencies? Do I need a backup plan? I promised her that argument aside, that this Long-Distance Relationship will work out. But in her mind, as well as mine, that we both agree there are many limitations and it is only a matter of time. When is the time? Sooner or later? Will time define the amplitude of emotional damage?
This entry... I'm barely finished. At least, it takes a load off my chest. My mind is still stirring with thoughts of how to deal with this. All that I know is that she's the one whom I'll love, but she's also the one to break my heart.
"Envy has a way of pinching your deepest desires" - frostdude
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