Every lie has a truth to tell.

I know the people around me will not be able to accept this fallacy which I've brought upon myself. For now, even I can't accept my addiction to this international love. So, I do not need others telling me what won't take flight in this lifetime. So yes, if I have to live this lie, then let me live it for a little longer, until I can gain my footing to take my leave. 

But for now, I'm as weak as my days in BMT. Seeing myself in this state, it is not something which I can just train up physically, cos emotionally it will hurt as bad as falling down. And I'm afraid that when I meet this fall , I'm unable to pick myself up or perhaps it may take a longer time to recover from this pain. I don't want to be that heartless guy anymore. I want to experience this feeling, more frequently. Cos, I've tasted the blissful feeling, there's no turning back for now. It sucks, it really sucks.

The trick to a confident trickster is not how much he can remember, but how much he can lie in the most believable manner. That would mean telling the same story over and over again. They said that a lie told 100 times would become a truth one way or another. I laughed, but it turns out that I'm a living being of it. Should I write a book? 

Today, I penned down my 4th month on my own to that love forsaken place. It is always good to leave a trail of memory and documentation, be it for my safety, for my memory or for plain entertainment. I would do up slides for every trip, and objectives, lessons learnt and lately I've looked into process/workflow of my trip. I know I'm unable to keep up this lie of telling my parents that I'm going overseas every month with different people, especially with the new year dawning on us and not everyone would be free. She drove me to her new house, and I just had to really pay attention to the route. It is like the movie "Taken 2", where every landmark or sound is a reminder of where we are going. 

But as I see it. Things are looking up for me. I've lost my addiction and deep devotions for her, though the occasional messages and need to message her. I've managed to take my mind off her when I really want to. That's a deep success for me. Perhaps, it is a temporary measure, but at least its starting to work for me. It is so wrong of me, and god please punish me for the intentions of finding safety nets and spare tires. I don't mean to, but just for my own personal well-being, I'm not gonna crash and burn this time.

With Valentine's day approaching, my planning begins again. Work has been keeping me tired and busy, so that's good. I'm planning to do a short valentine with her, not because of romantic reasons but just to prove a point that I'm gonna be with her on valentine's day, so she can't be with other potential guys. Now you see, that's the funniest part of everything. I'm always fearful of her going out with other guys, despite us being together. I'm not even sure whether it is a culture or just a social animal thing. I'm not even going down that route, cos it just pains me to think of such scenario. Maybe, its a Singapore mentality, maybe it's just me.

"Behind every lie, is a man who wants to tell the truth but fears being judged." - frostdude