Sigh.

Not even sure how I should even start this entry. I don't normally blog unless I'm bothered with something. Now, I'm just floating with a very much lesser objective energy. In a way, I'm not exactly the goal-oriented guy whom I used to be. I see myself looking at short-term wins and just getting through the week. I might say this mentality is very much like in my army daze.

I find myself looking at minor dollars and cents; which in fact I should be looking at career progression and entrepreneurial envisions. The sad part about everything is that life has hit rock bottom. I'm seeing myself as a character played in a movie. The character wakes up, lives a normal life, works, goes home, sleeps and does these all over again the following day. I know I've constrained my life in such a way where much of it revolves around gaming, but that is because I don't have alternatives to choose from. It is not like I'm getting 4 invites and choosing to stay at home. In fact, I would prefer to have invites, but I'm simply using gaming as a time filler for things to come by.

But are things just going to come by? No, they won't. I understand that. But, what am I doing about it? It is not like I can just penetrate into a group that easily, in today's context. Today, everything is about you link i link. So it is not that I'm not trying, but it is the fact that penetrating new social circles tend to be of greater effort.

Somehow, work has been rather enjoyable. Though, I think I can safely say that this sort of work is probably not what my upcoming has prepared me for. In fact, I'm more of a revenue-dollars and cents person, and not a person who organizes events and consolidates data. Among the thoughts of how low these feel, I have but no choice to carry on these deeds, because they say you cant get far without getting your hands dirty.

It's quite disappointing, especially when expectations of success are set high; but the route to it seems so muddy and totally unpleasing. I know perhaps in time I have to leave, because as I stay on, I tend to develop this short term mentality with pleasuring myself with simple things in life. Although, we should all indulge in the simplicity of our world, we might need to sit back and think about how complex the world has become, compared the younger days of our lives. So yes, simplicity in life is only for the rich and famous.

It is partially got to do with the people. In fact, people who have settled down in this environment have managed to develop this perception of their ease of work, and the ability to delay the inevitable, or simply not competent enough to make decisions; because there are alot of ideologies of g0vernment job security. Hence, may not be my kind of environment.

I hate where I am now because it has made me think so swallow of life. It has made me become a person of short-term wins, and has blurred my vision of future success. I see the career progression as a simple time-reward system where the system rewards you for your long tenure, and not for your competency and excellence (though it is considered as well).

Not sure what I'm cut out for. At least I do know what thing, that mathematical scientific decisional making really interests me.

Think there's a lot revolving in my mind right now; issues about divorce, bosses, worklife balance, social endowment, and my take on what is to come.

"Although, we should all indulge in the simplicity of our world, we might need to sit back and think about how complex the world has become, compared the younger days of our lives." - frostdude