A sky full of stars

Hi you.

It has been a long 4 years, and life has been hard and a trying one.

Something in me tingled to search my own blogspot tonight. I never forgot this place, but never found the time to wind down and write my reflections. Guess what I applied on page 1, 4th search result.

Life has been tough with many scratches, scars and dents which cannot be easily bleached away. I've been having this decomposition feel over the past few years and never got around to bother how to address it. Call it depression, call it the way that life changes you when your level of social needs fall down to almost zero. The recent launch of the Joker movie woke up the demon inside of me and the reality of life. I don't have the pseudobulbar affect condition of uncontrollable laughter or crying but after watching this movie; it showed me how depressed I can be if all had were negative thoughts.

As I decompose every year, I pull myself back from social needs and the constant pursuit of monetary factors. I don't know what has society done to us that somethings in life can be forgotten or foregone for the sake of money. I used to have friends, supportive friends but with all saying goes; if you want to go fast, you have to travel alone. As to how far I've gone, I don't know if such phrases apply. As you climb higher, the light gets darker, the path gets rockier and who can you trust anymore? Mountains shift, and the next thing you know you are stranded in the middle. 

Another thing that woke in me recently, is the lack of music in my life. The title of this post was a song played in my Dinner & Dance yesterday. The decomposition broke loss as this song played, and the trance uplifted me and for once I realized that my life had been slowly lacking in music. These days I tear very often with a heavy heart of the consequences in life, and often anger fills me up with insomnia and worry of competition. It was just a month ago that I had to resort to alcohol 5.5% to really get some good sleep. My self-awareness in me has slowly notified me that things are not really doing very well in my life. Sometimes I smile, but I'm not happy.

Have you ever smiled to make others happy or make others think that you are happy?

I'm not happy. I'm confused.

I do not know where I am heading right now, but certainty I need to find a way out. What mess have I gotten myself into? Or is it just me and not the job? Is my life really cracking down or am I emotionally not cut out for this? Recovery only buries what is residing in my soul. Last month, I sought God's words for answers, hoping to feel better. It certainly felt better, but the pain is still there. The soul is still dark, my heart is still as heavy as ever. I still hate the same way as I do, and I still hate in the same intensity as when I first hated.

It is not instant cure, that I know, God. But, where are the answers to my life questions? Where am I heading to? Is the pursuit all wrong or it is just me too weak to face the realities of life? As I get up everyday, I sought to find answers where they cannot be found easily; I live life riskier than ever, and I can't find that meaning in life, apart from the pursuit of monetary benefits.

And over the past few years, I see people find happiness. 

I said to myself that I don't need someone, but actually I do need that special one.

I dedicate my love to my work, my animals and plants.

And through this, I hope that I could find some sort of peace in my life.

But, has that worked out for me?

In fact, I might have gone down a heartless route more than it benefits me.

Death to me is a norm, and replacement is inevitable.

The people around me finding happiness, has made me envious and happy for them.

This year 2019, I made a pact to myself that I would avoid weddings.

Something deep triggers inside me when I think about the loneliness. 

I would use my finger nails to press hard on my skin to numb this dreadful feeling of being lonely in life, while putting on a smile to show the world that I'm strong and I'm independent. But, deep inside; I burst in envy and confused by the doubts in my life that this existence is all about me and entangling another individual in my life would not mutually benefit. Is this my upbringing or how this decomposition has affected me over the past few years?

And as I looked up high in the sky, last month I spoke to him, God. Thank you for seeing me through. I am a pre-believer, but I do not let others say that what you have done for me; is a mere coincidence.

And as I looked up last night, it was a sky full of stars. The song draws its meaning:

'Cause you're a sky, 'cause you're a sky full of stars

(because I am lost, and still am lost for many years - a lonely star in the ocean of stars)

I'm gonna give you my heart

(who can i give my heart to?)

'Cause you're a sky, 'cause you're a sky full of stars

(because I am so damaged, and worn out)

'Cause you light up the path

(cos I need someone to light this path up, i'm lost. i'm depressed, and my soul is lonely)

I don't care, go on and tear me apart

(I'm already torn apart, what do I have to lose?)

I don't care if you do ooh ooh

(many have torn me apart, what's one more tear?)

'Cause in a sky, 'cause in a sky full of stars

I think I saw you

(relying on distractions, replacements and short term kicks to maintain my sanity)

'Cause you're a sky, you're a sky full of stars

Such a heavenly view

You're such a heavenly view

(and when you appear; you will be my heavenly savior)

"A Lonely Dcomposition" - frostdude