Today probably marks the end of socialization for the month of September. The last few bloody weeks, my mind has been real empty and somewhat operating in a robotic manner.

The end of August stipulates a new found fact that sometimes you really need someone to bring you back on your feet. No one else can do it better than yourself. Words from someone so dearly can cripple a person's mental and personality, so much that you begin to lose that side of confidence. For me, these words which he spoke, shook me so badly that the few days after hearing it, it stirred up a side in me which froze my own personal self-esteem, rendering me mentally bed ridden.

Then come again, i pondered that these words meant nothing to me because I'm simply doing or exploring what i feel is of the right course. This is the price which one must pay in order to develop a creativity which no one else has ever done before, thus making it unique. People do not accept uniqueness that readily because its risky and nevertheless new out of the blue. I disregarded these words from this person because I am who I want to be. As things developed, it got better, much better. So if you're feeling down about whatever someone said to you, fuck it.

Apart from all these, socialization as i mentioned will come to an end for this particular month. I started off this month with a very very big bang on social needs. Somehow reality provides a point that there are times when one person needs social needs while other times, one can go without them. This would apply to the ERG theory about progression and regression along the human needs and wants.

Apparently, too much night loitering can cause eye dizziness in a way so distinctive that it causes me to drop into bed early. To end of my month of August, i met up with a good friend on the 29th of August. As promised, that whenever we gathered at each other's territory, we would treat a drink as a form of welcome. He got me the most expensive normal tea ever. It was totally amazing how we sat for an hour just zapping everybody we know in the bottoms. It was a good catchup, once in a while, probably because friends these days are hard to come by and they are often belonging to the "too little too much" list.

Thursday 2nd Sept was another big event which I attended. You know, birthday parties have never been on my attendance list but this time round, I kind of made it exceptional. Nah, probably because it was one of the times when I don't have to organize to bring my army mates together. Sometimes, i just feel that they can take for granted the things I do for them in a way which often goes unnoticed. But i don't blame them because I love the leadership role. The birthday party was a big bash because it was someone's 21st ;)

Friday 3rd Sept was a formal event which I actually wanted to give it a miss because the moment was wearing me down so badly. I was beginning to feel the social impact on myself and I could easily see my nights pass me like chasing cars. It was a formal business seminar which I attended. It was a somewhat eye opener and personality changing experience. Just like what the consultants there spoke, they said this seminar will change the way in which you see things around.

This seminar gave me an open eye into the deep labyrinth of the corporate world. Whatever the textbooks say, were playing themselves out in my mental state, with me constantly questioning the corporate system and environment. I could see that their organization culture was indeed beyond belief. They often say in textbooks that corporate culture such as family and team culture are often bullshit and happy environment. This particular organization was marketing itself so much so beautiful that no one could point out any flaws in the system. I bet their HR would have something more to say but nevertheless, all of the consultants or employees kept a very good impression of that place. It was fabulous, and I couldn't believe my eyes.

One thing is for sure is that such organization as explained, doesnt really suit my personality nor ethics. Perhaps, if you know me or read my entries, you would realize my personality can be often questionable in relation to this organization's culture. Won't go too much into details. I guess their crown jewel was as easy to identify as Singapore Airlines. I couldn't comment much but they were holy worshiping this particular person of the organization, which I thought was a little too intense and lack of succession planning.

Apart from that, on a personal side, I felt that this organization gave me a bigger view of what to expect in the corporate world. I've tried to make my mental state and perception fit the image of a true organization, through watching documentary, tv shows and other feedbacks. However, this time round, it dawned on me that my perspective or my expectations have in fact down graded me so much that I was looking in the wrong direction.

The corporate world, although as competitive as it sounds, allowed me to open my eyes to the fact that the people I've been trying to reach are of different class. One thing in reality is the world "social class" which everybody tries to blend it and make do with their destiny. Social class although doesnt make much difference from my country of origin, it symbolizes a status which can be seen as a level of acceptance or impression. As i said, i've been looking or seeking at the wrong social class, thus leaving me with a parallel yet narrow view of what I could actually receive or target.

The view of the corporate world, showed me that there are indeed other qualified fishes beyond my boundaries. There are new opportunities and networks which I thought they never existed. I always believe that network is key for every thing. With the right source and network, you can indeed shake up a big strategy which will undoubtedly work its way through success. The people I met, i cannot seem to describe them but somehow i feel that they are somewhat on par level with me. Somehow i feel that they are of more potential and superiority with their experience and knowledge, despite my inclined qualifications. They managed to induce something in me which brought greater hope and energy to me in new ways possible. They made me rethink my strategic seeks and somehow changed my perception over one night. What i take home, was not what they presented, but it was what I said which open my eyes to new networks, opportunities, social classes and an environment which cannot be seen through the media. One thing is for sure, I do not believe in their culture, because if i was there, I would have broken it.

Despite of a long Friday at this seminar, I gave in to another day of social outing on Saturday. It is/was the Comex Fair which is/* taking/took place (depending when you read this) at Suntec City. It was one of the last big gatherings which I will be organize because somehow the motivation has left me and I will be becoming extremely busy in the months to come.

I guess, with all the effort put in, I feel glad that I actually made it this far with my kind of leadership. I always believe that a leader must have something which can reward a positive behavior, thus allowing or encouraging others to repeat that behavior over time. For me, as a leader the only reward which I receive is the part when people who have not seen one another for such a long time, come together and mingle. That is the satisfaction and reward which I would/should receive. However, i guess people tend to not repeat that behavior of turning up for these activities, because they are not encouraged or motivated to. That can't be helped, because a wrong leadership style would only FORCE people to attend rather than ENCOURAGE.

I managed to resist the temptations of the purchase of electronics. It was difficult but essential because somehow I don't really know how people in my country of origin can constantly purchase new stuff every 3 months interval. It was outrageous because whatever that you needed would have been purchased first time round or perhaps subsequent times but somehow many people are still driving themselves to the fair. Perhaps, usage level or new product hypes would have caused this.

Lastly, today I did a gamble of luck. I guess if you are still reading this, you ought to be rewarded with a bright praise, so come message me! I did a very out-of-the-blue stunt today, probably you could say I was trying my luck. As the bus drove by, I pondered over the fact of "better trying than never". Somehow, without the regard of bus fare and distance payment, I dropped down from the bus after it traveled to its next stop.

I made a call, with hopes of delight that today might be the day which I could attempt again. It was a big gamble, and often like they say "high risks high returns". I thought by doing this, it could spark a little effort and value for the opposite party. I guess, i've been trying for over 2-4 years; it has not gotten tiring but more of a redundancy due to the fact that somehow these situations which i encounter with this opposite party, often are repeatedly happening and safely it's not me, but its you!

Hard to get? I gave the other party 3 sms and 3 calls with a probability of 35% rejection. It was a big step forward for me because somehow one never gets anywhere without an effort and a proper intention. The overall result was depressing but yet evidently obvious so the expected impact was on par with the actual impact, thus it somewhat neutralized the situation in a way that allows me to flip the situation by, without a need to suffer any emotional discomfort. I guess it was a gamble indeed.

Nevertheless, this impact or what humans call as "feelings", i guess i am trying my best to feel the shoes or perhaps trying to fill a glass which is leaking from its base. This battle is somewhat a never ending process or pursuit of happiness but I guess as time goes by or as the water leaks out from the glass, one can only imagine or perceive the degree of long term satisfaction one can receive from his actions. I guess it is really acceptable in the sense that, life is never a fairytale but a realistic bubble which needs to be carefully harness in a way as proven that "it takes two to clap."

"Trying to fill a glass which leaks from the base" - frostdude