A sky full of stars

Hi you.

It has been a long 4 years, and life has been hard and a trying one.

Something in me tingled to search my own blogspot tonight. I never forgot this place, but never found the time to wind down and write my reflections. Guess what I applied on page 1, 4th search result.

Life has been tough with many scratches, scars and dents which cannot be easily bleached away. I've been having this decomposition feel over the past few years and never got around to bother how to address it. Call it depression, call it the way that life changes you when your level of social needs fall down to almost zero. The recent launch of the Joker movie woke up the demon inside of me and the reality of life. I don't have the pseudobulbar affect condition of uncontrollable laughter or crying but after watching this movie; it showed me how depressed I can be if all had were negative thoughts.

As I decompose every year, I pull myself back from social needs and the constant pursuit of monetary factors. I don't know what has society done to us that somethings in life can be forgotten or foregone for the sake of money. I used to have friends, supportive friends but with all saying goes; if you want to go fast, you have to travel alone. As to how far I've gone, I don't know if such phrases apply. As you climb higher, the light gets darker, the path gets rockier and who can you trust anymore? Mountains shift, and the next thing you know you are stranded in the middle. 

Another thing that woke in me recently, is the lack of music in my life. The title of this post was a song played in my Dinner & Dance yesterday. The decomposition broke loss as this song played, and the trance uplifted me and for once I realized that my life had been slowly lacking in music. These days I tear very often with a heavy heart of the consequences in life, and often anger fills me up with insomnia and worry of competition. It was just a month ago that I had to resort to alcohol 5.5% to really get some good sleep. My self-awareness in me has slowly notified me that things are not really doing very well in my life. Sometimes I smile, but I'm not happy.

Have you ever smiled to make others happy or make others think that you are happy?

I'm not happy. I'm confused.

I do not know where I am heading right now, but certainty I need to find a way out. What mess have I gotten myself into? Or is it just me and not the job? Is my life really cracking down or am I emotionally not cut out for this? Recovery only buries what is residing in my soul. Last month, I sought God's words for answers, hoping to feel better. It certainly felt better, but the pain is still there. The soul is still dark, my heart is still as heavy as ever. I still hate the same way as I do, and I still hate in the same intensity as when I first hated.

It is not instant cure, that I know, God. But, where are the answers to my life questions? Where am I heading to? Is the pursuit all wrong or it is just me too weak to face the realities of life? As I get up everyday, I sought to find answers where they cannot be found easily; I live life riskier than ever, and I can't find that meaning in life, apart from the pursuit of monetary benefits.

And over the past few years, I see people find happiness. 

I said to myself that I don't need someone, but actually I do need that special one.

I dedicate my love to my work, my animals and plants.

And through this, I hope that I could find some sort of peace in my life.

But, has that worked out for me?

In fact, I might have gone down a heartless route more than it benefits me.

Death to me is a norm, and replacement is inevitable.

The people around me finding happiness, has made me envious and happy for them.

This year 2019, I made a pact to myself that I would avoid weddings.

Something deep triggers inside me when I think about the loneliness. 

I would use my finger nails to press hard on my skin to numb this dreadful feeling of being lonely in life, while putting on a smile to show the world that I'm strong and I'm independent. But, deep inside; I burst in envy and confused by the doubts in my life that this existence is all about me and entangling another individual in my life would not mutually benefit. Is this my upbringing or how this decomposition has affected me over the past few years?

And as I looked up high in the sky, last month I spoke to him, God. Thank you for seeing me through. I am a pre-believer, but I do not let others say that what you have done for me; is a mere coincidence.

And as I looked up last night, it was a sky full of stars. The song draws its meaning:

'Cause you're a sky, 'cause you're a sky full of stars

(because I am lost, and still am lost for many years - a lonely star in the ocean of stars)

I'm gonna give you my heart

(who can i give my heart to?)

'Cause you're a sky, 'cause you're a sky full of stars

(because I am so damaged, and worn out)

'Cause you light up the path

(cos I need someone to light this path up, i'm lost. i'm depressed, and my soul is lonely)

I don't care, go on and tear me apart

(I'm already torn apart, what do I have to lose?)

I don't care if you do ooh ooh

(many have torn me apart, what's one more tear?)

'Cause in a sky, 'cause in a sky full of stars

I think I saw you

(relying on distractions, replacements and short term kicks to maintain my sanity)

'Cause you're a sky, you're a sky full of stars

Such a heavenly view

You're such a heavenly view

(and when you appear; you will be my heavenly savior)

"A Lonely Dcomposition" - frostdude

A long time coming...

It's so fascinating that after everything, I still find a way to get back to this familiar ground.

Many years have passed since my last entry, and suddenly the itch came back to write something down. It's that feeling of something so truly personal to me, that even after many years, I return to read what I wrote; I just smile and say that "Wow that truly happened to me".

Mind blowing aside, things have been tough and rocky after Feb 2013. It was a truly path changing decision which I made that night, and I definitely am stronger in character and well aware that I have such capabilities of enduring what I went through up to that date, as well as capabilities of exiting from such endurance. Stamina really played a role in the whole process, and I guess after you leave, you don't look back and regret because the grass is truly greener on the other side, once you step on that grass and feel it.

And after Feb 2013, things took a big turn, and roads got darker and the hole was just too deep to come out from. You name it; girls, beer, late nights, distractions, waste of money, anger and everything just came pouring it. It was yet another rewarding experience because it showed me how far I was willing to go for a little distractions to prevent me from tipping over to the days back in 2012. Those months were worth the smile but yet I grew weary and somehow I wasn't much myself at times. Not sure whether I mentioned of my possible split personality those days, and how conflicting it was to exit something when a portion of me wanted to stay because some part of me felt it was worth holding on.

At the end of 2013, I had probably shaken myself up to know that the road ahead was simply too dark. I guess like 'Dexter' the serial killer show ended, it showed me that Ethos, Principles and Upbringing play a big part in character development. And for those values I held, I managed to exit the dark times and begin a much 'wary' journey ahead.

I have a friend to thank for that as well, well I would say an ex-friend because today he's no longer around.

In 2014, it was a year of a new entrepreneurial experience. Though it was all exciting, it just came a paper-exercise which did not materialize due to 1 main reason; lack of capital and risk. I had a great deal of enjoyment and that's probably the year which I really picked up myself in terms of independence and drive to seek new learning. It was also a year of silly romance of remembering my cyber-dating episode; yes you Michelle, and her red Adidas jacket.

It was also a year which I took back to my roots of 2012; to visit the life which I left behind. Yes, visitation of "The Life" rather than "The Person". It was definitely insightful because I visited places which I used to go, as a Couple - but this time only as a Single. Time spent there was only 24hours and the focus was about "Self" preservation.

To wrap up 2014, I believe it was a year of frequent travels to several countries. It was definitely a year which I was more willing to fork out the capital to travel, and explore countries which I usually went with the Family.

But the fun didn't really last that long because when realism stepped in, it wasn't all smiles and fun anymore. The start of 2015 was bumpy, not just for work but also for personal life. First business fallout happened at the start, close to the new year. It was a strange ending because of rashness, lack of patience, and rigid management. The only thing that left me wondering is whether was it a selfless act or a selfish one?

Nevertheless, life tried to sweep me by. It swept me in another odd direction; though the feeling is more towards a "early middle life crisis". I was on my way to publish a book. I managed to compile a list of chapters worth writing about, mainly regarding some of my dating encounters and experiences. I guess it didn't really work out, because I lost that drive after knowing how hard it is to get a publisher. Sigh.

I remember setting up my first fish tank aquarium in March 2015, which slowly grew into 4 tanks. Now it's probably taking up a fair bit of my time, till I've managed to save electricity for my family; lesser computer gaming and no more 24hr parking online for no reason. And lately, FISHING! not sure what is so exciting about it, but the feeling of catching a fish is intriguing.

I guess 2015 would more or less be this way! Haven't found the mood to date at all this year. I took a step back on my purchase of toys, statues and collectibles; and took more ownership on my Financial indicators and welfare. It's definitely been a slow year, and would probably stay that way till something/someone appears to magically rock the boat.

Yes, it has been a long time coming. Never thought I would have a chance to come back to pen some of these things down. Perhaps, for WHO - they could model my quality of life with such qualitative analyses :)

I'm still on Facebook. U know it.

"Ethos, Principles and Upbringing play a big part in character development" - frostdude

The aftermath of Judgment Day.

As I embarked on my journey towards the grand finale, I told myself that I had to do it - for the sake of happiness. Whether it is for short term or for the long haul, I made sure that it will be something which I will never live to regret.

I mean there are many issues in life which you thought perhaps if you had that level of maturity and resources back then, you would have done things differently. I told myself that if I'm not going to fight for this love, then I don't deserve to be happy at all. In the past, I gave up too easily because I wasn't serious enough, and I didn't have that sort of encourage and confidence to man up and do the right thing.

I would remember this effort for all my life, because this is the furthest I've gone for any girl in my life - depth of my pockets, anxiety and risk-taking, going the distance and doing my time. Despite all the thrills, my heart was at stake. I never felt this sure in my life and never had I put so much effort. But, one thing is certain - I never regret any intensive scenario planning done. I made sure I walked myself through every step of the way before living the real deal. It was a hassle I know, but i just had to make sure I will survive this.

The outcome from this Judgment Day, was positive, better than I had expected. I went on my knees begging please for her return, because it was heartfelt that I was certainly not going to give up on a love so strong, despite the distance. The letter to her, was fully genuine - with a spice of my proposal for how far we have come over the last few months. I know, I'm a sucker for memories - I remember things and they serve as my guide whenever I lose hope.

I felt the reconnection of love again, which made me feel warm and happy inside again. We laughed and snuggled for over an hour. The feeling was lovely. Despite her busy schedule, she came down on the exact Valentine's Day itself to have a meal with me. It was something which I thought was a good sign of an effort.

All in all, I know what thing for now is that I really have to thread lightly and keep things spicy - limit my distance, keep the conversation going or just leave it. Plans for March have begun, but I've yet to think of something interesting to do with her. 

Sad truth is that when you are in a blissful state, you want it to last forever. You don't plan for contingencies, nor do you lose hope. It is an addiction, I admit it. She's my obsession, I know it.

"I'm a sucker for memories" - frostdude

Sigh. 

Tomorrow is Judgment Day.

I managed to cry it out a little last night. It hurt a little lesser, but it became clearer that I can't bear to leave just yet. I understand the feeling now, when others say they are going through a tough time and heartbreak. Yes, it really hurts. Feels like your heart is unstable and very heavy inside. Your mood just drops and you feel moodless, loveless and simply hopeless. You can't do much, you eat lesser and you sleep more. Sleeping seems to relief you of your reality, but it haunts you even more in dreams, where sweet memories become a sign of denial of reality, leaving you awakening with much disappointment.

Over the past few days, I've really kept myself busy - doing mindless stuff and just trying to escape reality. I isolated myself from the world, just to shield my own pride and pain which I'm going through. The world shouldn't see me in this state, because I am a player - but now I'm being played. Karma you might say it, and sins that I have to repay. This pain is too much - it is too overwhelming. There are times when I can put the memories and thoughts aside, but when they come back to me - frowning is back, and I have to hide my face from the world.

I now know how hard is it for one to really let go, especially when you've invested too much into this. It is not an overnight initiative, nor a change in heart. I can't just call it quits overnight and resume a normal life without her. It is not that simple. It is a painful process, because you now know what you used to do with her, cannot be done with her anymore. I'm a soreful situation now because I don't even know what sparked her sudden lack of interest and tiresome. 

With the coming of 13th February, I lay out a grand finale plan, though with much thrill, but also with much uncertainty of the situation's outcome. In a movie, probably things will play out the way you want it to be. For reality, I might not be able to go ahead with it. A lot is at stake here, and I know I'm going to fall real badly. It must be done. I have to do something about it. This is how much and how far I will go for it. It is not something which you can call it quits and uninstall. 

My analytic brain is going crazy, just thinking about the many computations and scenarios that will play out tomorrow. I need to say my peace. That's what I really need to do. The rest of the world, you're on queue for now. 

"Laying out the grand finale" - frostdude

Argh. I swear this month this year, has been an emotional roller coaster for me.

I'm still trying to make sense of the timestamps and chain of events that led to this state. 29 January, 11.45pm - was the very last time she ever called me. It has been a bumpy road since then. It started to get real rocky over the 25-26 Jan weekend too, but I thought we got through that fairly ok.

It has been a very rough journey. I shake my head to that statement because it really has been one hell of a ride for me. I admit my faith has been shaken a little, but my stamina is still strong. The chain of events that happened were probably that Thursday, the room mate started to be very ca1cu1ative about the 50% 50% rental. I took side with the room mate a little because his argument was reasonable, but also took her side to say that he could have explained it way earlier. Pissed she was.

Friday, she went to fix her car - which probably cost a bomb. Partially due to my messages to her while she was driving, which led to an accident as she was texting while driving. Then came 2nd feb Saturday where angry fireworks burst into the night sky. Sunday, 3rd feb was cold war and plain disapproval just came out.

After days of cooling off, I tried again since yesterday 6 Feb. 7th Feb (today) was just another deep encounter where she repeatedly spoke of us only as friends. My heart cracked a little. I denied many times, but there's only so much you can do. And recently, she got caught for slacking off at work - which my advice was to really be careful and not do it too often. 

Probably, I should let it cool off again tonight. Tonight she spoke about "better options over there", which I just got real sour. Am I not good enough? Or is it the god damn money factor? Or the distance? I just can't understand for the factor that, "When I'm there, she shows little interest", "When I'm not around, she wants me to be around." It's very conflicting and it pains every part of me.

She tells me that she's bored of it all. It's only February. I have plans for the entire year, every month seriously. How do you define bored when the last time we saw each other was like 2 weeks ago? Long distance is just painful, I know that. I have 30$ worth of calling card, it is not about the money, but more of getting her back.

I'm so confused. I'm not sure what would be the response for the upcoming surprise. I might be surprised myself. I might not recover from this heartache.

"Heartbreak Warfare"

Yesterday, just yesterday I poured my heart out to her.

What I spoke were truth from the heart which I would never have said to another gender. It felt good to open up, rather than simply relying on written notes and texts. The perks of developing a heart is that these words said from the heart, really means something. And for the first time, it really spiked my heart, so much so that I actually teared up a little.

What I heard, from her were many things of which I do not have control of. Somehow, this is just too over-intensifying for me that I actually can't comprehend its impact on me. I guess being heartless over the last 10 years have made me realize how much I've actually missed out in my love life. But I must say that the loss of 10 years were not regretful as I've picked up bits of learning experiences along the way.

But with the realization of the 2nd paragraph, made me realize how much I can really do for a girl. I never knew I had that stamina in me, or is it because it is just an awakening, a burst of energy or a sudden rush of adrenaline. I'm not sure of which, but all I know is that the feeling is enlightening and exhilarating.

I told myself 2013 would be a year of greater openings and kinship. I guess it really takes a leap of lifestyle to make it work. I've been thinking of this for at least 3 years, since the time I was with my army boys. I kept bringing up the topic about change and taking the step forward. It takes awhile, but you can always speed up the process with a little risk taking and formulation.

There's so much more in 2013 which I can really carve out. I know this road will not be difficult, but I guess one interesting phrase that has been recurring in my eyes. That is, we have that autonomy to choose how we behave, choose our attitude and create impact on lives. That's something which I thought has been quite useful in my everyday life - that I can choose to be devious or I can create havoc. Take a deep breath and rethink again.

I'm not sad. I'm not pissed. In fact, I've said whatever I needed to say to her, and I mean it. 

And finally... qualities which I look forward in a female...

"Stability, Wholeheartedness, Attentive, Straightforward, Pleasant & Fun-loving" - frostdude

Reading back on my previous entry, I can probably say that this 1 week+ has been a very very rocky week for me.

Maybe, I'm just new to this whole relationship thingy. I have never experienced such a strong affection for someone, so much so that I will ever put myself in that position to fuck raw, pay for your meals or even consider marriage. For me, all these are just plain risk and expenses.

With her - I feel that the sky is no limit, and boundaries are meant to be broken. But, all these are going to change in a matter of 2 weeks. Watch out for my next few blog post after Valentine's Day. I myself don't even know what is coming up next.

As rocky as it has been, it has gotten worse. After much discussion, I've realized that this dual identity which I've adopted is indeed eating me alive. Both identities are the real me, but they seek different expectations and are willing to do different things. The intent of these identities were to actually protect me in the time of need, to safeguard my career and to ensure ease of escape. 

These identities however need to be rethink again, because of conflicting interests and agenda - I am unable to comprehend what is really required of me. I have carved out many sides, but all of which convergent into 2 main identities; "The Sane" and "The Insatiable".

I have always managed to keep my Insatiable at bay, because he is one who goes all out, to bring the joy in my life, to extend beyond risks and boundaries and to ensure that the boring me doesn't eat him alive. He has always been captive of the natural desires and pleasures such as sex, love, deceit, stalking and stealing.

After meeting this international love, he has been given that chance to let loose and occasionally takeover during nights of phone conversation, and even times where he is required to reply messages. Things are getting out of control. He is getting loose, eating inside of me. I can feel him creeping into my sanity, and yelling inside as to why I'm not doing anything about it. He pulls my skin in anger and frustration and just leaves me venting my anger. Even First-Person Shooters now can't help the situation, he is beyond me already. He steps out of my values and principles and behave recklessly.

If you have been following the posts, you would realise that the international love and I used to engage in endless conversation for the first 2 months. It was warm, it was good. I think I can never forget those times where we just spoke for 3hours, after hanging up - just calling each other again. It was perfect, it was the best time of my life. I never could comprehend the level of attention we were giving each other - that she was giving me. My attention never dropped.

Soon there was a time where we grew busy, and started to do periodic calls - 3 times a week. Then just recently, she commented the boredom of talking so often. I was quite devastated and shocked that we have already reduced the frequency of conversation. Sigh, I always feel that the backbone for a successful long distance relationship is communication and keeping the channel/feelings open. Like all other sort of relationships, communication is key. Once you shut someone out, there's no turning back.

So, I reluctantly agreed to just 1-2 times a week, or at best once in a blue moon. Little did I know, I was actually making the wrong mistake. We tried it for a week. The freedom felt good, but the stalking grew worse. In fact, how I'm feeling is that the more she pulls away, the more clingy/stalky I become. By the 10th day, she said she was like talking to a stranger. By the 13th day, the silence was killing me and she was suddenly out of words. 

Today, the 14th day she expressed her doubts about herself being able to hold on any longer. I asked if it was my fault and any recovery which I can fix or do. Her response was as I predicted, that she had shut me out of the picture. After bouncing many messages, she ended with a "Break Up La".

Confusedly, this isn't the first time she has threatened to leave me. Many angles that I will argue that I'm not at fault here, but I would also agree that it won't work out well - at least I was willing to give it a try for a year. I had it all worked out. The calendar, the flights and dates to meet her, the things we would do together and places we would have gone. But, how can I ever say that she didn't put in her best? I just could feel that after the 2nd month, she grew unappreciative, and inattentive of my presence, even with me sitting right in her face at the dinner table.

But times like these, I ask myself where would I ever get a girl just like her in my life, given the state of life which I'm in? She's all that I want in a girl, minus away the attitude, poor communication and maturity. I will give my last shot during V-day which is in 11 days time. As for the March air-tickets, if I pay now, it would be 91$, if I pay later then it will be 101$. The 10$ is probably something worth losing out. So March tickets, probably not yet.

"My life is in a mess. My dual identities are eating me away, and leaving me with a great emptiness which I've used to bury but is now exposed and giving me a heartache warfare. " - frostdude