The Truth Makes a Better Man v5.3a

Summary of 2011

2011-12-31T10:19:00.000-08:00

The best part before starting a new year, 2012, is probably to look back at the entire year of 2011.

Well, the start of 2011 was a pretty tough and yet carefree life. I guess upon graduation, we all hope that we can go out and conquer the world. I was still not sure which industry to go into. I had high hopes of what I can do, but I guess not all organizations have that leap of confidence in me. That's quite sad, but real. I spent a decent 1 month, just spamming out my resumes, hoping for a response. I guess, my technique was quite a fantasy methodology; because I started of by looking at my favorite companies, followed by favorite industries, followed by competitor industries, and lastly towards geographical convenience. I know right, silly!

Strangely, what I realize was that for the first few favorites, I spent like hours; just to wrap a good summary, and then there were others which I just did a quickie and sent out. What you really want the most, you will try to do it well, but most of the time it doesnt turn out well, compared to those you really didn't expect.

By mid Feb, only 2 calls came in, after sending out like 40+ resumes. I was kind of glad that by March, i managed to secure myself a nice executive position. Well, the starting learning curve was quite tough on me, especially with the whole new culture shock (public sector mentality). I told myself that I would quit my "2nd life" because now I would be known as a public figure.

I took about 4 months to really induce myself into the workplace. I guess, in this current job, I really opened my eyes to what I'm really interested in; with reflections of a long lasting career progression. I guess I managed to understand myself a lot better, and I guess im a person who doesnt like to stick to a certain pathway for long. It is not that I'm not committed, but rather I seek more challenges, more changes and more creativity. I'm just built that way, where everything has to be at its fast pace. But sadly, public sector does not really offer that much velocity, because well, decisions of what to do are often made based on public administration directions.

Being inclined by such a slow environment after my settlement, my "2nd life" kicked back in. Perhaps, in a nut shell summary, this year I really failed dreadfully. I rushed things. I didn't plan it well, and it is not me. I did too much, or perhaps I just ran out of the skill. I didn't diversify, and got deceived by thrills of the imposition. Fooled by at least 3, misled by at least 5, no-show for about 4, and mistakenly ditched one for another; hence opportunistic greed killed me.

On another hindsight, this year has also opened me up to a new feeling. With age catching up, I'm growing towards the idea of having someone. It is a very small thought distribution, and no directions have been erected. I'm just working on a feeling, but you know; there must be a goal/objective in order for the feeling to materialize. That's probably gonna roll-over/out in this new year, 2012. It is rather opportunistic, and i would probably need to develop a roadmap of action plans.

Lastly, 2011 was a year to test friendship. Probably the best test, is always tiredness and interdependence. As what they say that, true colors reveal after a certain span of time, especially when the time is a prolonged period with no possible interval to rest. I won';t say 2011 was a great test result of friendship, but it has opened my eyes that diversification should take place.

With all that covered, 2012 is I would say another year. I've reborn with the loss of my 9 years streak. I have shamed much in 2011, because of my rash actions; but then again I see 2012 as another year to branch out beyond my existing routines and boundaries. It may all be just talks, with no materialization, but at least I would try to open up to these new possibilities in the months to come.

"With failure, comes a road to success" - frostdude

2011-11-20T07:42:00.000-08:00

Sigh.

Not even sure how I should even start this entry. I don't normally blog unless I'm bothered with something. Now, I'm just floating with a very much lesser objective energy. In a way, I'm not exactly the goal-oriented guy whom I used to be. I see myself looking at short-term wins and just getting through the week. I might say this mentality is very much like in my army daze.

I find myself looking at minor dollars and cents; which in fact I should be looking at career progression and entrepreneurial envisions. The sad part about everything is that life has hit rock bottom. I'm seeing myself as a character played in a movie. The character wakes up, lives a normal life, works, goes home, sleeps and does these all over again the following day. I know I've constrained my life in such a way where much of it revolves around gaming, but that is because I don't have alternatives to choose from. It is not like I'm getting 4 invites and choosing to stay at home. In fact, I would prefer to have invites, but I'm simply using gaming as a time filler for things to come by.

But are things just going to come by? No, they won't. I understand that. But, what am I doing about it? It is not like I can just penetrate into a group that easily, in today's context. Today, everything is about you link i link. So it is not that I'm not trying, but it is the fact that penetrating new social circles tend to be of greater effort.

Somehow, work has been rather enjoyable. Though, I think I can safely say that this sort of work is probably not what my upcoming has prepared me for. In fact, I'm more of a revenue-dollars and cents person, and not a person who organizes events and consolidates data. Among the thoughts of how low these feel, I have but no choice to carry on these deeds, because they say you cant get far without getting your hands dirty.

It's quite disappointing, especially when expectations of success are set high; but the route to it seems so muddy and totally unpleasing. I know perhaps in time I have to leave, because as I stay on, I tend to develop this short term mentality with pleasuring myself with simple things in life. Although, we should all indulge in the simplicity of our world, we might need to sit back and think about how complex the world has become, compared the younger days of our lives. So yes, simplicity in life is only for the rich and famous.

It is partially got to do with the people. In fact, people who have settled down in this environment have managed to develop this perception of their ease of work, and the ability to delay the inevitable, or simply not competent enough to make decisions; because there are alot of ideologies of g0vernment job security. Hence, may not be my kind of environment.

I hate where I am now because it has made me think so swallow of life. It has made me become a person of short-term wins, and has blurred my vision of future success. I see the career progression as a simple time-reward system where the system rewards you for your long tenure, and not for your competency and excellence (though it is considered as well).

Not sure what I'm cut out for. At least I do know what thing, that mathematical scientific decisional making really interests me.

Think there's a lot revolving in my mind right now; issues about divorce, bosses, worklife balance, social endowment, and my take on what is to come.

"Although, we should all indulge in the simplicity of our world, we might need to sit back and think about how complex the world has become, compared the younger days of our lives." - frostdude

2011-09-17T20:08:00.000-07:00

Running on a continuous dynamo can burn out even the most endured person. I pushed too hard, too soon. I'm able to go on this weekly routine for months, without a clue that time is passing me by. Routinely being there, and ensuring my top performance.

However, one thing felt amiss, was my identity. It was all about him, and all about her. Sometimes you just forget who you really are. I won't say a slave, but more robotic nature. Somehow, I believe this nature is also attributed to my condition. I can't seem to shake this painful nuisance.

It has been 6 months. It has been an odd ride for me. Happy times as well as times where I just want to drop it all. Working non-stop doesn't help as well, because there's no chance to even take your mind off it. I always cherish the necessity of being there, hence it has never occurred to me, that I can be absent. A friend told me that work still goes on with or without you, and there's no day when you can finish everything you're doing.

These 6 months have been real tough on myself. With my appraisal coming on stream tomorrow, I guess i could reflect a little before I say the wrong things tomorrow. I'm a man of great sources of preparation. Definitely, these 6 months of toughness has made me a little more emotionally robust, because the work environment requires a pinch of emotional touch. This is often what is lacking in my processes, because well one should not really plan with emotional context, because it clouds the judgment.

What I've learnt within this short period, is indeed a great resource for me. But moving ahead, things are becoming routine, non-realistic and awfully not challenging. How do I define challenging? Things which are achievable but difficult in nature, and things which can be resolved with scientific ideology. I've learnt recently that I'm being measured by a certain level of inequality and incompetency. Somehow, I just doubt that some hybrids are not as good as specialties. Regardless of the spearhead, I was chosen for a reason.

I know I've made a promise internally to endure the uncertain waves of duties, but I couldn't help myself. I had to venture out into the wild, and the wild has returned with responses. Would I really take that leap? What impressions do I want to leave behind?

The hunt has gotten really bad. Somehow, I must add to my ethics and standards that I have to seal the deal, rather than tempt the shark. But that's all just momentary and pure luck. I just want to emphasize on a great take away which business has taught me. Never put your eggs in one basket, and always look upon new horizons to diversify. But we humans get contented real quick, because we try to instill that level of confidence and loyalty. I mean, isn't that what reality has taught us? To be faithful to the cause.

I've indeed some mixed emotions flying about. Perhaps, the positive ones are coming from movies which I've been watching lately. I feel rather confident to say that love movies really do create some impact on a person's emotion to seek love. Humans feel that they too can be as blissful as what they see in movies. I don't blame them for it, but would it be too naive? Or am I too negative? Well, I don't really see myself in a blissful state in the near term. Not sure why so, either because it's a personal choice? no rightful within arms length? No specifics? Or just emotional baggage, which seriously what baggage?!

"Just the way we set our lives to be" - frostdude

2011-08-30T00:35:00.000-07:00

With this month coming to a close, I guess it is wise to reflect upon my progress.

For one, I would like to introduce the fact that a lone wolf being put into packs or teams; just simply doesn't cut it. I mean, working in teams and all; is all so easy and glorious but I just hate the fact that personal accountability becomes blurred in team-based efforts. I certainly hate relying on others to get work done, because I simply cannot get myself to count on another to help achieve success. Unless, the other person is driven and has the same intention of achieving success; or else it's really useless. Some people I know, they just lack this mentality when it comes to work; hence work to them is all about social needs, and putting together a happy team and having a good time. Come on, work is fun, but let's not be fooled by fun at work.

Next thing is about expectations. Human behavior is such a funny thing, that when feedback is given on the spot, humans tend to take them more seriously. Humans remember these feedback, even though you think these words are just plain reminders or small notices. I, for one take feedback very very utterly serious. For a fact, that it is not like I do not try my best, but sometimes things just messed up all at the wrong time. And when that happens, I do try to improvise, with moments after that I get scolded for taking initiative. They won't say that they scold you, but I take it seriously ya?

So if you've noticed, if I take initiative, I get scolded. If I don't take initiative, I literally wait for things to screw up; and just tell you in your face "oops, you didn't tell me". And I still get scolded anyway. So, yeah I really hate these two scenarios, because there is no form of understanding. Worse part is you take the initiative, and the higher order tells you "please try to anticipate proactive next time". But in fact, you really anticipated it, but constraint was just left out because i have to go through a higher order. How frustrating.

And back to the story about emotions and girls. So far, the assumption that "at work can find a girlfriend", has not really materialized. In fact, this has really proved to be a rather negative decision outcome; because somehow many as I, have created that level of distinction between work and social life. Many people define you, based on how you work. But when they do not have a starter plate to do so, they relate to your social life and deem you as such, because seriously who keeps a two-face mask? *raise hand*

"Anyway, a life without meaning, is not living a life." - frostdude

2011-08-06T01:35:00.000-07:00

Times when we put our trust and commitment on something, but it just didn't play out the way we wanted it to be. There are times when we told ourselves, that we should have look at alternatives. However, there are also times when we tell ourselves that we have to be dedicated to the cause, and that we have to develop an ascertain level of trust in the things we yearn.

There have been many moments which I disappoint myself, because I look back and ponder why wasn't I more observant and why did I even trust in the first place. Is it because I was human enough to reveal the side of me? I'm incomplete, damaged, filled with darkness, and a close step towards heartless, where emotions do not matter. I'm selfish, effectively spoken, while diligently bottling up.

I seek to change, but when it comes to self-development, I'm filled with the need to make a mistake before arising the need to change. Change for me, is a necessity but I've baggage. They keep me at bay, with knowledge of my failure and my inadequacies. I'm oblivious, but all the more challenged. I'm competitive, and cold hearted, with only a true sense of "I" and little belonging to "TEAM". As downfall draws closer, the soul turns towards deception and masking the truth.

Modern men have spoken the need to diversify. The whole logic of not putting all eggs into a basket, has already been created before my time. Diversification is all about mitigating risk and getting more. Isn't this a definite selfish attempt to uphold greed?

"A man of diversification" - frostdude

2011-08-02T05:43:00.000-07:00

It's been awhile since I pen down the road of my life. After several long silent months, I've finally managed to map out an outstanding matrix of what has been happening.

Perhaps one of the interesting facts, which I've noticed, is that you can never put your trust in someone until you really seen the full side of him. Even if, it means going to that extend of seeing the bad side of that particular person, so be it. That, I made a mistake many months ago, to put so much trust into a single soul, just because it was projecting an angelic aura. Mistakes for being fooled, and blinded by the visible thin layer of joy and happiness in the environment.

I do try to push out of the routines, but somehow it has gotten more tiring to even try. Progression is key, in theory but often very hard to achieve and sustain. But, life feels ever empty, something a midst, with much dark shortfalls begin. I'm carrying baggage, but who does it belong to? I'm leaving a trail of emotional residue, but who is it for?

All's well, but sometimes the closest person can stab you the deepest. It smiles. It questions, but sometimes I doubt its mental capabilities to understand that its words are conflicting.

"I didn't dare to judge, but I finally know" - frostdude

2011-06-25T09:10:00.000-07:00

Happiness. That's all, that is on my mind.

It is not questionable that everybody would like to have a slice of this happiness pie. I mean, the only thing keep us from this pie, is the fact that reality always strikes us so badly and truly that we become tougher in life. And as we become tougher, we become thicker and fall short of emotions. Once, we were once hurt, and now we have rebuilt. Those who have not been hurt before, do not know the true meaning of pain and what it actually takes to rebuild and pull one's self back on his feet.

How can we be happy if we always find a reason not to be? Because things in life are never enough, and can we say enough is enough? Even happiness would fall short one day because one can never be happy enough. I tell myself everyday, that I want to be happy. I want to feel like it is eternal and feel that greatest inner satisfaction. But then I tell myself, am I being too idealistic? The world is not what we know now, to be of simplicity and without worries.

As I watched another of my targets, get married. I cannot help but question myself with doubts of why cant that person be me? But then again, I think I would be selfish and dragging another contented soul with me down this road of unhappiness and selective personality. In my heart, I'm felt with dark emotions of anguish and envy. As sinned as I may be, I can't help but tell myself that my time would come, though in my eyes I would have minus one from my checklist.

The key take away would be the pain of not ever being loved. Perhaps of this self centered and competitive nature, which bind me to my composition of individuality. That I can never share an achievement which would involve parties obtaining a competitive edge, because my true intent would be to sustain power and control. Hence, the ideal would be that no one should be on par of this individual.

But then again, these would all neutralize the thought of happiness, because happiness involves the dynamics of bringing oneself to a level so closely balanced with another individual. And hope by this nature, both parties can compromise and accommodate to each other in times of doubts. Happiness is obtained even when one party gets the shorter end of the stick, or the worse side of the decision, or the need to spend a little more in order to obtain the overall positive intangible feeling.

Happiness, at the end of the day is how we make sense of it. It is a choice to be happy; to seek a selfless stage where we can agree on the level of joy and happiness which both parties can bring to each other's life. Happiness is in our hearts, if we live by people's feelings, rather than our own.

"Happiness is a choice. Make that decision today." - frostdude

2011-06-17T08:32:00.000-07:00

My mind's just blown to pieces. With an average 8 hours of sleep daily, why am i still so tiresome? People say its my active mind, while others just say perhaps I'm lacking sleep on the whole. Issues keep surfacing at the back of my mind, even when I sleep. It is like, they are bothering me or something. Or is it my mental aspect which keeps generating scenarios, ideas and solutions; because that is what my job expects from me. Somehow, I just can't shut it, because it's just build into me.

These dreams or perceptive scenarios, are simply outrageous. It's interesting how my brain is able to populate my dreams with the people, I see everyday. It is like it can form blur images of the crowd, and within them, are familiar faces who I've come across all my life. These faces are simply people who are just living their life; or perhaps its how I've formulated how they've been living their life. My brain would then play that formulation into a dream; hence making their presence so real and stunningly objective.

These people in the background are often people whom I've been thinking or came into contact with. The brain constructs this in such a way that every dream has a different scenario, being played out; hence the overall purpose or outcome of these dreams are highly ambiguous. Apart from the background people within the dream, the purpose would begin to play out. Often these dream "purposes" are triggered by my daily pressing issues, long term concerns and other regrets which I might have buried in my life. Can I say my brain is trying to piece a new scenario together? These dreams are awfully unorthodox and virtually interdependent in nature.

So, I would say that dreams which you wake up from, but don't remember; would actually signify the complexity of the scenario which the brain has put out. Perhaps, it could indicate that because these scenarios are highly out of this world, we may tend to forget the pieces of the dream and leave behind vague mental puzzles. In a way, that would become a so-called dejavu in the future, because the brain would remember that particular action taking place, but that would either be a voluntary norm or an action which you actually yield to do, in reality. It is a mental preparation before the physical action, as in a way that the brain is trying to form out a positive scenario and outcome, before performing that particular action.

And dreams which you can actually remember, are those that may have already happened. Reliving these dreams, is part and parcel of the brain trying to make more sense out of what had happened. This is of similar context to the formulation of regrets and also for the mind to seek out unanswered and unresolved doubts. Many things in reality go unsaid, but that does not mean the brain would eventually let it go. And through this manner, the brain is indirectly formulating what-if scenarios to acid test what-could-have-been.

Think of dreams, and try to create a theme out of it; because that would probably tell you what is troubling you. Think of dreams, as your personal goal or psychological satisfaction; your inner motivation towards a certain entity, which could be happiness, pleasure, guilt, fear and even worry.

Dreams can't be stopped, and should not be disregarded. In fact, dreams are the best points of analysis which help oneself to look deeper into his true satisfaction in life.

"Dreams do not come true. It is our actions that make these dreams a living tangible." - frostdude

2011-06-08T05:56:00.000-07:00

I shouldn't say this because it has only been a few handful of months. But i think i must say I've instilled some routines in my life; inclusive of work and leisure life. Are our lives suppose to be fully utilized and fulfilled to the max? The talk and intention about time allocation and maximization, but apart of me says that if i do it all too fast, what is there left to do?

I guess i'm in a transition again. I'm at a crossroads of decision making, where the heart says yes but the brain says "no not yet". A life of routines, is not a life at all, because life is suppose to be filled with uncertainties, surprises and things to look forward to. I've placed myself in a whirlpool of predictable events that what else can i venture into?

Much confusion along the way, as this is rather an exploratory idea in mind. As I said, entertainment is never free, and of course companionship is also another key factor. To take up a sport or to take on another "commitment" would require me to analyze and evaluate. All that hassle, just to pleasure one's life. I feel that I'm overdoing it, but I just don't like the idea of doing something and half way through just simply ditching it. Just a simple waste of effort, but they say "if you don't venture out of the comfort zone, you will never experience it".

So, how am I suppose to find a situation of "win-win" or "win-much". Perhaps, it is the slow pace which I don't really like, because its just not the way I am. Or is it just an ambitious part of me, yearning to spread the ample love to the world? I've indeed changed, in a way that maturity has gotten the best of me, and I find myself thinking too much ahead, and not living up to my age.

Many say I should appreciate my age before it's all over, and yes I always think back to my youth teen days and wonder why time and opportunities passed me by. But I guess, sometimes we work too hard and too much, that we forget to enjoy what we have in front of us; because humans are greedy and forever yearning to be satisfied with wealth and comfort. I mean, who doesn't? But, there should come a time, when we look upon departing from our routines, and be touched by something so unique and special; that would serve to brighten up our lives.

I fear, by the time that day comes... I would be "too old to enjoy my age".

"Should we live by our age or live with our environment?" - frostdude

2011-05-29T07:11:00.000-07:00

If you attempt to structure life, you will find out sooner enough that life is as meaningless as it can be. I mean, people find a life of uncertainty, very intriguing and exciting. It is like they want to be surprised so that they can react. And sometimes, I just feel that all these scenario planning and anticipation just spoil the favors in life. The luxury of putting on a truly remarkable shock face for the world to see, and the world seeing it in awe.

I find myself putting a tag on everything I see. They are variables of considerations, they contribute to the total impact of the experiment. But sometimes, I just find myself chasing my own tail. The need to always try to create a stage of logical and structured thinking platform, just so that I can portray myself as one who has been taught that way.

But scenarios are scenarios. One should be aware that the overall impression is made from several pieced scenarios which create a clearer mental perception of another's background. But, as humans, we tend to live along the short sighted theory because we love to, perhaps once in a while be surprised by environmental occurrences that have not been anticipated.

But then again, an unstructured person might find himself in a trial and error stage whereby he doesnt even know what he wants to find. Just as window-shopping, for an example, people love this leisure activity, because it opens up their mind to things which they did not thought of buying in the first place. Well, 80% of that goes to impulse buying and a handful of 20% are logical well thought of items which are worth purchasing.

Is life all but God's experiment? Seeing how we dig our own graves? Like a chess piece, being awaited to move by the two most superior entities in the world? Even, now they have an agenda for all of us. We say we write our own destiny, but that's only to a certain extent. These superior entities lead and tempt us to decision making. The gift of morale and wisdom, are not truly owned by one, but an issue by these entities; to see how we use them. This gift is immaterial, as they already know what is installed for us all.

"Is life all but God's experiment?"

2011-05-04T07:53:00.000-07:00

Work feels like Army all over again. Well, just that now has a little bit more room for request and open communication. But, I must say the rest are pretty much the same, in terms of style of work. Or maybe its the only real context which I can refer to.

I find myself in a position whereby I'm the driver, and information and decisions are the people crossing the road. I could simply bang them down, but that would just cause me to lose my license. Or, I could opt to be that driver who stops. As head strong as one can be sometimes, I took a much greater step back for the past few weaks and realize that if I played a role as the driver who bangs people down, I would find myself facing more than just difficulty tunneling through the forest. I would essentially face barricades; and that would not be very fruitful.

But apart from that, today finally for the first time; I managed to decide my strategic vision. I was asked a very personal question, which I guess only guys would just ask for leisure, and girls would ask if they are interested. And yes, I replied with a response which even I was very much shocked to say; "Career first." But, come on; the odds and ends of everything is that I barely have a dedicated utility time for myself; let alone I take on another headcount which requires attention and care like a tamagochi. So, I wonder how those colleagues of mine, have more than 3 headcount on their plate.

I feel sometimes my father would poison me at home; well not to that extend that leaves me lying on the floor. But more of the fact that he provides me with that extra boost of ideas. He's probably my neutral party in this whole opposition fight. He provides me with that "provision of doubt", even though I have thought about it. He just packages it in such a way that it may be right or it may be wrong after all. His views may occasionally put me back in my place, but at the same time awake me and remind me that I am in a place or this place I belong to; is of greater heights.

I'm a little short on words, especially when it comes to politics and other events happening outside the world of entertainment. Somehow, I understand why working adults tend to become very myopic because work as it is, is already packed; so let alone reading newspapers and books and articles are simply just too difficulty to squeeze in. And that is probably why my brother stopped watching Greys Anatomy, because working in a h3alt\c4re environment is just sufficient. There's really no need to come back home and watch a drama series that makes the workplace so wondrous. So, when I get back, I really would want to take my mind of work; but that seems to be the only thing which I can think / talk / discuss / comment about these days.

It's not actually that A*STAR working environment; like how books compliment 3M and Microsoft. It's actually a very slow-when-its-slow and fast-when-its-fast kind of thing. Well, right now I'm at the fast-like-its-so-damn fast, that time actually passes by faster than I even drink water. Hence, constipation is inevitable unless I really make an attempt to discipline myself.

I just feel that they have their doubts. But, it is not like one to have no doubts at all, but it is only about time.

"So you think, who confirm? Me loh" - frostdude

2011-04-24T04:09:00.000-07:00

I need a new hobby.

That's right. Well, what I really love, if you might ask? I love playing pool? Tennis? Badminton? But something that doesn't make me sweat from head to toe? Ok, perhaps pool. But, COME ON POOL these days are getting expensive, and you require another partner unless u want to look like those who plays pool by themselves. How emo; and I don't think I can afford or have space for a pool table.

Yes, I've realized that I might be required to take another proactive step in revitalizing my lifestyle. I'm not saying its not healthy, but in the long run; it would probably make me stagnant once again. You know, weekdays are spent at work and everything is left untouched over the weekends. Well, I try to discipline myself in that way. So yes, I might actually be required to look into new areas of interest, like golf per say?

Golfing? Expensive sport? I'll probably need to gauge how much I hope to achieve out of pursuing this new sport. If I'm just going to be a short distance 100cm kind of golfer, then probably it won't do much harm, but neither will that bring much benefit.

All I'm saying is that weekends need to be a little more well planned. Be it a new hobby, or even storing up media entertainments, are of top importance. But there's another part in me that says "Let's nua all the way". So I might need to generate that level of motivation to outweigh the direction towards nua-ing.

Short weekends can be overlooked, but I'm really talking about in the long term; like long weekends with holidays or even when I start to apply LEAVE. Of cos, entertainment has its price to pay but I'm such a cost-effective person that every cent means a thing.

But after all that I've said, do you think I'm just feeling that emotional itch to find companionship?

"Happiness is indeed contagious, because it spreads to others, and they hope to feel that same feeling in return, someday." - frostdude

2011-04-19T08:10:00.000-07:00

It's been over a month since I last updated. I find myself surviving through every week, just barely scrapping through the hours and making it to Friday. Just these two months, I've opened my eyes to just so many things which were simply restricted to me.

Although I can feel my daily routines setting in, I try to think of it as a pathway towards seeing something new. I don't mean working on monthly reports and stuff, but daily routines would include the habits and timings that I have to meet and look forward to.

And I swear every week, there will always be something new happening to me. And I would end my Friday with a big BAM, and leave everybody in a state of unease. Some people like it, because it sets them off their routines while others feel that these happenings are unnecessary.

I just have a big habit of stepping into boundaries which are not readily accessible. I guess, I would say I'm a big step risk taker in the sense that in order to achieve greatness, you would have to step out of the comfort zone and seek out new exploitable opportunities. Greatness does not just come just like that.

I find myself now, being stretched or at least my brain is really working its fats off. But I won't say stretched to the max, but I guess it is how we make breathing spaces in between our work. Lessons I learn every week, are although silly arrogance but they are as fruitful. But then again, should I let others shape my behavior, just because they were once shaped in this way, must I follow in their footsteps? Then again, comes my need for aggression.

I keep my desk as clean and empty to constantly remind myself of the need for discipline. I broke away from my weekly driving habits. I just feel the over-reliance on a vehicle, would require me to make a greater commitment. And, probably I can safely admit that commitment is one of the issues which I tend to step back from. I guess its a tough step to take, when it comes to uncertainty.

But my time in this new environment for about 2 months have made me realize a lot about myself. Especially, the constant social nudge to find affiliations among peers, which would develop into a possible long term relationship. I even manage to find myself someone whom I would like to marry, or commit to, but well not a particular someone now, but at least a vision of SOMEONE-TO-BE. We all impose a certain criteria in our lives. It's probably because we constantly need to remind ourselves of our succession in decision making, and provide us with that necessary direction in life.

And today, I took a glimpse at my horoscope because well I woke up feeling a little light headed and gullible in the fiction realm. Apparently, it stated my ease in emotional detachment. As I read it, it only provided me with great assurance as to what I really am. It's just some reality hitting at your face, early in the morning. How fascinating.

Well, like I said, in order to obtain greatness, one must go out of its ways to get them. And somewhere along the way, opportunities would arise and there is where you build life alongside your villagers.

"Choose your Love, Love your Choice" - David Seah

2011-03-27T08:17:00.000-07:00

Before my sunday ends, perhaps I would like to rattle some random thoughts which have been spinning in my head. After being all excited and expressive, I guess I'm gonna sit it out for a while. You know, this feeling I'm having is pretty much normal. Life isn't all about chasing the paper and dreaming to live the dream.

I always believe that after chasing the paper, life would get easier. In fact, after getting much of these papers, life just got even more complicated. After knowing what you know about the issue, the world and the detailed aspects, you just wished that sometimes you rather not be informed. I must say that experience really beats the paper.

Well, I'm not saying I entirely regret chasing the paper, but rather I'm just feeling kind of small. This is somewhat like how my country feels; small and insignificant. Thinking back, being small isn't all that bad, since expectations are often set below the bar. But a person like myself, dislikes having below-the-bar performance levels. Well, based on my personality wise I guess. However, there are of course the restricting constraints which bind me to a state of being chain to the ball.

My parents tell me, I'm just getting ahead of myself. For say, if the supply depot had issued me four ammunition clips, I would have finished them in a split second. I was very much wrong to even think that textbook ideas and textbook perceived organization visions were all about innovation, creativity and constant improvements. I'm not saying there are no such visionary initiatives, but I think it is always on everybody's mind and sometimes people tend to regard such things as plain general knowledge. I don't blame them. I'm new to the system.

One way or another, my over enthusiastic personality and approach may have caused several chains of mixed feelings, well mostly felt by myself for this moment. Many have told me to back down a notch and give them a rest, and be contented of my progression, and that I would be somewhere, someday with a management over some people.

But for now, I still detest being put down like that....

"Doing too much..." - frostdude

2011-03-21T07:53:00.000-07:00

Sometimes, it's just good to have a friend, especially one who is within walking distance. A friend who can provide that neutral stand. Though his presence may seem to cause a casual bias, but it's good to feel like there's someone on your side for once.

The whole new life going on for me, is just a whole lot of mess. Things that appear in textbooks, are merely 10% of the entire pie. There's a whole lot going on behind the scenes, and the problem of trust. Who can you really put your trust on? I mean when it comes down to talking about your problems and issues, who can you really trust that will not betray you by tell tailing you at the end of the day. Even the closest companion beside your desk, may have other agendas and intentions. All that is just plain part of life.

Anyway, today's frustration is all else, other than having a good friend in need. Someone I was graced by this friend's presence, and it was truly in the favor of Fate himself. Who knew that by missing an elevator floor would actually allow me to open up and talk about my problems? I was keeping it all bottled up in me, feeling the toughness of the journey, perhaps even not used to it. That's the whole issue about being the segmented newbie. People who have their coalitions tend to exert greater pressure, influences and impacts on your newbie life. All efforts to ice-break, somehow did not really matter anymore.

[Encoded]: On a general note, today's frustration is regarding the issue about individual acceptance and receptivity to creative thinking. Organizations are a silly bunch of twitters who often say A, but want B very much. And when you produce B, which is perceived as what they want, they tell you C! They say C will lead to A and of course C is of top crucial considerations. They talk about routines in life, but they don't see themselves as looking at C, as a routine, but more of a task at hand. People of a routine nature, would consider B has a threat as B is seen to be difficult, non-implementable and highly risky to even bring up.

[Encoded]: As such, although the overall organization wants B, there are some who hinder the process of acceptance, hence ideas are blocked. This can be understood, as it has been highlighted in textbooks. But just looking at the level of acceptance, just disgusts me dearly. To think they wanted new baked eyes and a fruity mindset, today I change my mind and tell myself, "perhaps...perhaps it's just not the right time, in the right place."

I don't know how else I should actually phrase this issue, but one thing is for sure. If I was issued four ammo magazine clips to fight a endless war, I would have doomed myself by switching my rifle to automatic, and firing it into the bushes.

"Who do you work for?" - frostdude

2011-03-14T07:32:00.001-07:00

Whatever textbooks say, they are simply wrong. It's never so easy and simple to say A is Apple and B is Banana. Perhaps, its the ideology of being a newbie that makes it even much worse. Is it a big culture shock to me? I guess, I would say that with comparison to textbook examples and theories, the ideas and what I've learnt have simply become blurred. Our brains try to find similarities in what we have learnt and been taught. And sometimes, they just don't sync.

Believing in the idea is just not enough. In all textbooks based, the ideas are very much conceptualized on paper. However, in this new context exposure, I'm thrown with the idea that conceptualization is just the pre-mature stage. In fact, they do look for more readily implementable concepts. But, being a newbie, it makes it all much harder than before. You can simply just submit a well-taught idea to your lecturer and get marks, but then again what if your lecturer asked you to GET IT DONE, that's another trouble altogether.

Don't get me wrong. My induction is still on its way. I'm not even going to touch on job satisfaction just yet because I'm still at a stage of pre-mature growth. It gets worse when I'm seated where the brain requires wrecking of the understanding of the overall complexity of the overall entity. And all the new terminologies, just make it unbearable.

I shouldn't make assumptions, not yet I suppose. I'm just at a point in my induction that I feel I'm reading endlessly without a bigger understood purpose. It is like researching on a dissertation topic without putting the ideas down into use. So, eventually it becomes plain recreational reading.

Perhaps its the greater excitement catching on to me to really make good use of my skills. This excitement however, is intensively backfiring on me because I'm kind of creating trouble when there's no need to investigate. Perhaps, I too pictured myself a different way, so I'm getting a bigger shock.

This is indeed a new stage which I'm in. I'm starting to feel the lifelessness in my days. My friends say I need to expand the existing network via upgrade or penetration. But it seems like a conflicting ideology that people at work cannot wait to get away from your presence. It is not your fault nor theirs, but at the end of the day, people realize that have that little time left for adequate socialization with themselves and their own network.

Another thing to note is the realization of dissimilar core values and personalities among my existing crowd. But then again, I think it's just me, transiting into a period where I begin to wonder who I really am? The words I speak need to enter a stage of quality assurance and validity before they sip from my mouth. Is it me or are they all alike? And why can't I be like them? Perhaps upbringing? or just intrinsic personality that needs to evolve in order to sustain my presence in my existing foothold? That still remains unsaid and unforeseen.

But then again, everyone has to start somewhere; somewhere small and comfy and slowly reach for the next hand grip. And along the way, when you slip off, just be sure that there are always safety nets around you.

"Dissonance in Values, Attributes and Personalities" - frostdude

Brain & Heartcare

2011-03-12T06:57:00.000-08:00

As mental choices and decisions set in motion, I can't help but feel a little mentally overwhelmed. Well, if you might have guessed, these decisions that have led me to this path, are rather difficult, oddly unethical and strangely irrelevant to even think about it.

You know, you can have the best reactions, the best attractions, the best mental capabilities or the best state of senses, but nothing can stand in the way of the HEART. At times, we encounter a moment in our lives that our brain and heart can never agree upon a particular decision. The brain tells you it's so wrong, but the heart is not sync in the decision making. The brain tells you it is not ethical and it is just a fallacy; a moment of agony and disparity. But the heart fonder as the entity or intent approaches.

The brain lays out the pros and cons, the implications, the consequences and the dreadful considerations of public relations. Our brain, if put to good use, has the ability to provide us with a ten seconds strategic cause-effect mental mind map, right before our eyes, before we actually make a particular decision. But the heart is one, whereby it beats and sometimes skips a beat. Your eyes tunnels at a lower angle, in which one can almost see his nose. Then that's the time where you believe in "gut-feeling", "hope", "luck", "faith" and "fate". But are those essentially reliable and conclusive? ...And you follow through with that decision...

I'm not exactly confused, nor am I at a state whereby everything is alright. But, more like a state of let-go and better-try-next-time. A friend asked me last week, "why..?". My answer to him was a very practiced kind of reply. I know my habits have been pushing crates into distances, but somehow I just feel that conceptual contexts seem to be a greater influence over the humanistic side of things. And that is probably due to such greater influences, that I don't have any..., at the end of the day.

There's always this unavailability residing beneath the skin. And when there is the slightest residue of hope, things start to get piled and buried away. Sometimes because of the bad timing, the existing arrangements and often because of ethical issues. And I will simply smile and tell myself, "Perhaps...perhaps another time". Can I say that because of such prolong lost of purpose and unavailability, that it has become a norm to react and behave in such a forgetting manner? That I can simply press delete and forget about this humanistic warm entity inside of me? And let my brain process it as "Just not your luck".

PS: Some deep rattles which I've given much thoughts about. Could have been summarized in a paragraph but if you do understand, then cheers.

"Can a new environment cause a resurrection in a person's heart?" - frostdude

Forging a First

2011-03-07T03:02:00.000-08:00

This is one milestone which I would like to remember. Perhaps in 6 months or a years time, I would look back at this very day and smile, remembering that I managed to create a shift in life routines.

Today marks the first day of my new work. I must say this change in my life is rather drastic and quantum. This shift in my balance is still under way and often very disruptive. One of the odd change is the change in biological body movement, clock and mental energy being exerted.

Well, as you guys may be aware of, I went through the transitional orientation from being a student to a working corporate citizen. As a student, I did not really prepare for this transition, hence the transition was rather slow. But hey, come on, as a student, I looked only at what is to come, what is going to be due and how I can really excel in my upcoming schedules. And after it all, I really hit a point blank moment in my life where you wake up with no goals in mind, no objectives at hand, and no duties to accomplish.

And during that period, it was heavenly for a month or two. Just waking up and doing the things you want to do. It is like living the life of a millionaire or perhaps even Bill Gates, just without the spending ability. This feeling lasted for about two months, and after that life started to become stagnant. And then is the time where you start to wonder if you should have prepared earlier for this transition from a student to a working entity.

I clocked about four months in this transition period. Well, if you considered the amount of spare time, that would come up to about five months, seeing that I finished my FYP around mid november. The hunt for a job is equally tough and demoralizing. Well, being a person who has been on the education route for so long and continuous, there's no room for any acquisition of unique experiences. But, think about it now, I'm entering earlier than most of them.

The job market as I know it now at March 2011, is rather "on-the-ball" whereby jobs are constantly being dished out into the public. And if you monitor the Classified Ads and Recruit newspapers, you can really see that some companies are seriously unable to find talent despite their weekly job advertisements. Are they picky? Yes. Are candidates picky? Yes. But, everyone wants to get their dream job.

For me, I had that mentality during my transitional awakening. I wanted to get into that particular organization or industry that I banged really hard on it. It is indeed depressing if I had waited till the month of March for this company/industry, because they did not even get back to me since December! Not even a single reply or notification. Just silently hiring people and closing the status of their jobs. And like I will find the time to open up their job portal everyday and check if the job status is still active or not.

And one day, I decided to give other companies a try. And I got in.

This organization I'm in, well its only the first day. I cant comment, but can only brag about how good it has been, for my first day. I won't say "I'm at work", because I have not been issued my workspace and working tools, but just being in this work environment, really opens up my eyes. Well firstly, this organization doesn't really look about bottom-line and sales, but its more of a caring organization which takes into an account of a greater customer-centric business model.

First day at orientation, they really let you mingle with the rest of the organization. Regardless of what level/job status/job scope you are in, they really try to fit you into the system. The brilliant part is everyone has a part to play in this process, rather than a soloist department or team within the same department. It's so big and complex, that I don't think I want to even solo it, where lives may be at stake too.

But all in all, today's first day orientation was great. Though I thought it would be awkward, NO it wasn't. I met people of different class, race and job specializations. j0s3ph, l!s4, d3br4, n3ls0n, 3dw4rd, zh1y1, and many names which I can't remember.

"Implementing Strategic Change in Our Lives - frostdude"

How would this change me?

2011-02-24T12:16:00.000-08:00

I guess many of us tend to ask ourselves, "How can I change my future?" or questions that emphasize on self capabilities for future success. I've decided to take another stand, with this new question today about "How would this change me?" instead.

The future as we know it, is often dynamic and uncertain so when life throws us a curveball, we do not always react in a all passive manner. So how can I change my future, would be highly fluctuating and the results are often not acceptable.

This new question of "How would this change me?" involve looking at the flip side of the hour glass. Think back, five to ten years ago, your personality, character, habits and emotions; and compare them with the today's you, and you would find that you have emerged as a different and much more matured person. We do not always know how we want to change our future, because unexpected incidents happen. And if you know how to change your future, you would do it even better since you have the power of foresight. But you don't.

We have this much of information and knowledge about our surroundings. And knowing that this incident is going to happen, why not ask yourself this question "How would this incident change me?". Perhaps in 3 months, 9 months or a year. By setting a time frame, you would be able to monitor your actualized change and at the same time, believe that progress has been made.

With this knowledge of how you will be changed, you will be able to know how you can change your future! That's through the learning of new skills, the past, networks and of course.. your true self.

"Making full use of what is on your plate, rather than seeking a golden goose to fill this platter" - frostdude

Life In Transition

2011-02-17T00:10:00.000-08:00

I must say, I started this year 2011, with a very empty start. For one, I started this year with ambiguous goals and objectives and somehow this year I have not really thought it through. Well, things like what I'm going to do, where I'm intending to go and how I want to improve my life.

My father said this is the transitional stage from the "after school life" to the "working phase". I would say its my entry to "reality" but all these while it has been real for me. I was pretty offended by words from a person a few days or a week ago where it said words like "good luck and it is about time you enter reality". Like I'm living in a fantasy? I've traveled to places and handled different cultures. Anyway, I guess I need to give it the benefit of doubt that it may not possess the state-of-the-art language.

With the rumors going around saying that the rabbit year is going to be a slow year, I guess I'm feeling the effects already. The news on job hunt has been very demoralizing but then again I don't blame them, because I have friends who stay unemployed for over a year. And it is all bull stockings, when they say EMPLOYERS ARE HIRING. Like hell, NO. It is more like employers are being picky!

The idea behind fresh graduates is to give them an opportunity to learn and excel in their job positions. If you are advertising and desperate to hire, can't you settle for fresh graduates, rather than hoping for people who have work experience? If you don't give fresh graduates a try, these graduates will never get to that level of work experience. So in other words, are you trying to tell me that fresh graduates should apply for low level entry jobs and employers would take this opportunity to exploit them by giving them lower wages? So are you saying fresh graduates should settle for lower wages? Where is the point, market value and returns for pursuing higher education? Then comes back to the idea that, the po1itica1 g0vern4nc3 is encouraging people to upgrade their skills and knowledge, and yet there's a conflicting element of graduates being exploited after their studies.

Anyway, half of my frustration has gone to these paragraphs. Argh. I'm not frustrated, not desperate but then again I just feel things could get a little faster already. Or perhaps I'm just feeling restless...

"Life in Transition" - frostdude

Accompanying Age

2011-01-29T13:36:00.000-08:00

Accompanied by age, comes a whole new reflection of personal traits and characteristics. When we were young, we often judge many books by its cover. Probably because we do not understand, or perhaps its the fact that we could not cope with so many variables in life yet.

After today's gathering, I just felt a seemingly visible change in everybody and perhaps even myself. I just feel that somehow everybody has developed positively. I remember back then, we were all judgmental, group minded, comprehensive and maybe even competitive in our own nature. Back then, words, gossips, grapevines and rumors spread like wild fire and people believe what they hear, which resulted in a developed behavior. This often developed into a negative groupthink, which led to hostility and separation.

But as years went by, I could feel that people begin to put their differences aside and somewhat accept one another for who they are. People simply remove that judgmental ideology and enjoy the efforts made to create socialization and improvement of relationship bonds. I mean every effort counts, to make an attempt to regroup and reconnect. Nevertheless, thankfully there are those who provide the necessary linkages.

Once again, I believe that what I saw and experienced tonight, was the state-of-the-art brilliance of social acceptance among groups. And somehow, we have managed to put our differences aside and learn to accept other's flaws, habits, personalities and behaviors. Though some may be undesirable, I feel that today instead of being judgmental, these people work around it and perhaps excel a "you-are-who-I-might/or-not-care" attitude. Nevertheless, I've seen some who made an effort to convince one another to change.

For such, I've seen that a person who used to be so hurtful in ITS words, would become more wise in the choice of words. I've seen today that a person who used to be as PROUD, has become a sort that listens attentively. I've seen that a needy fellowship, become a motherly independent individual. And lastly, I've seen that some people stay who they are for a long time, because they are who they are.

Those are simply examples, but I believe that time does change a person - whether incrementally or a quantum leap approach is another point of reference. So people do change, but I guess credits would have to go to the change agents (friends) who are open and honest to help out in the change process.

And comparing myself back then and now, I find myself going under into secrecy and often choosing the right words to use. For one, being too informative often has led to many misunderstandings and the loss of conversational excite. And latter, people tend to have a selective element to the listening process and they associate and react differently to various words used. Then again, there comes the matter of understanding one another and their backgrounds.

"Accompanying age comes a better fellowship" - frostdude

Whose fault is it?

2011-01-07T12:09:00.001-08:00

Lately, I've been thinking that some mistakes are not entirely one's fault. So, why do we decide to carry the burden and feel that we have made countless mistakes and regrets in our lives? This idea resides along the fact that many have come fore with the need for reasons to believe that they need improvement in their ways of life.

Then, I would ponder and ask "Why is there a need for improvement?", because change requires a big step and the need to realize the change or else the change would not have much of an effect on the person who yearns change. And most of the time, this person would say he requires change because his efforts have grown ineffective or his experience has become too shallow to face the dynamic forces of today's world.

But then, looking upon his techniques and strategies in life, they seem like what a normal person would do. And in his distress, he feels that he has become inadequate in the satisfaction and achievement of his goals. And after careful considerations, we would see that there are in fact other contributions and forces that influence the nature and behavior of this person.

And sometimes, it can be believed that it is not that person's fault after all, but its the opposite party who is making all the trouble. And that is what I want to put through that, sometimes we do not have to blame ourselves for every unsuccessful attempt in life. It is just that sometimes other people have grown a habit of "selective attention", thus causing them to choose who to regard and who to ignore.

Well, regard and ignore are the two extremes of the equation but I'm sure not all fall in those extreme categories. But then again, selective attention is now a common element in one's life, since many options and opportunities have revealed.

So, should we blame ourselves for every mistake? No. We should understand that perhaps the other party is not responsive to the technique that you have been using. And instead of blaming yourself, you should seek to change or perhaps understand the other party better before making any adjustments.

But, now we come to another issue regarding change. How should we change? To change to meet one's standards or to adjust to another. There have been many conflicting theories and human reasoning saying that we should all respect our individualism and disregard the need to cater to another's beliefs.

Now, let's think again if everyone has "selective attention", would individualism be destroyed? And if you were to stand as a notorious individual, and, each and everyone does that, will there be any gain? And with selective attention, do you even stand a chance in making an impression? The person who practices selective attention, would essentially limit you from the equation, rendering your presence close to zero.

So, to change to meet whose standard? Both. Adjust to accommodate, but not to the extent of compensating your own individualism for another. That's slavery. I believe, each and everyone should engage in selective attention, so that they can be DIFFERENTIATED, and NOTICED, in the crowd of ordinary men. And for that, that is how you would actually gain a stepping stone or a "COMPETITIVE ADVANTAGE", so that you would at least be selected for attention.

"You must be the change you wish to see in the world." - Mohandas Karamchand Gandhi

2010-12-28T11:41:00.000-08:00

One of the last few entries before this year, 2010 comes to a close. How would i sum my year up? This year has been equally fair to me. You would know this if you recall the number of good times and the number of bad times. But then you think again, the occurrence and intensity of these good times outweigh the bad times, and somehow you tell yourself that perhaps you can actually afford to incur these bad times. Well, since you can't have everything in life, we should just settle for the simple things in life which put a smile on our faces.

The poorly developed times of 2010, are:

Car mishaps
Failed IPPT
Flawed family ties
Degrading sibling relationship issues
Social network reducing...again.
Blinded by love - Counter [Twice]
Pride issues
Loss of road confidence
Monetary impaired
Almost feeling the way I did in 2006-2007.

The many good times I had this year, were:

A good romance at the start of the year
Had a 2010 valentine to spend with, though it was for the sake of satisfying the presence of a valentine
Good exam results
Passed my driving test
Managed to prove my fitness is still at that level of 11.59mins; though I did not really pass my entire IPPT
Got a new computer
Confessed to a deadly romance in the 3rd quarter of this fiscal year
Visited several countries such as Vietnam, Shen Zhen, Johor, London
Greater realization of one's self and abilities

I guess every story has a beginning and mine has yet to fully unfold. I've shown myself to the exit many times this year. Somehow, this intellect is I swear a double edge sword. I confessed to a very close friend a few nights back. It was imperative to really get those words of my chest that night, and I guess only those who really bother to care, actually sit through a "listening ear" convincingly. There are those who try very hard to listen and care but in fact what they are doing is simply impression management, and trying to gather the appropriate intel.

The lessons that I've learnt this year are mainly regarding the issues of dealing with humans. I find that these specific creatures are so dynamic that the matter at hand is not really important compared to dealing with the dynamics of human behavior. That is one of the difficulties and challenges when getting things done. The people who need to act on these tasks, make it difficult, simply difficult.

Before i bid farewell to 2010, I know my time is almost up. Emotionally prepared, but mentally still not willing to lose. Perhaps its the music, but perhaps I'm becoming more human.

"Embraced by the many brilliance and uncertainties that life brings along" - frostdude

2010-12-24T21:52:00.000-08:00

I woke up with a different mindset today. It was the independent me, for I've experienced the the departure of 2 valued human assets this week. Their roles in my current state of position are interestingly unsettling nor did they play a significant layout in my grand strategy. But their influence have brought me to another level. You know when times are tough, someone having their support and approval made things a little comfortable and easier.

I sent my farewells with the curtained despair in the form of a joyous celebration of food related products and perhaps that were my wishes for their new journey ahead. But then again, they will never know how truly missed they will be when they leave my environment.

Farewell.

"Gone with the winds, but unsaid among kins" - frostdude

Older by Another Year

2010-12-20T14:27:00.000-08:00

Today, as the clock strikes 12, I age by another year. It seems yesterday since I was young and clueless about making proper decisions. Somehow, life has gotten ahead of all of us and as time goes by, age doesn't seem to be a main concern. In fact, many of us wished that we did not wish to be older.

I guess, when we were young, we always wanted to grow a little bit older, just so that we can make our own decisions and manage our own time and having the necessary responsibilities. But as we grow older, people demand more from us and our abilities. Its a way of compensating age and experiences with greater and wiser outputs.

I'm still deciding which age to really wish to be in because every yearly cycle i go through seems to be different and indeed a challenge. The past year has been very studious moment for me, with the race against time and having loads of it at the end of the year. I guess 2010 has one of the most events in my life. The many leap of faith that i've taken and the many tests i've sat through, and not to mention to several disappointments. These are simply just too priceless to even say I want to forget about it.

One of the thoughts that strike me the most is the apparent leap of responsibilities, duties and roles that i might have to play in the future. With age catching up on me, I see myself in the next 3-6 months with a load on my back. Time being stolen from me, with the race to earn big bucks, only leaves me wondering what a life I've been enjoying for the past 2 months.

I won't say as we grow older, we tend to be wiser because everybody grows old, and they too become wiser. So measuring up to capacity, those who are wiser, tend to stay wiser over others, despite the age increment. So the idea of "older means wiser", actually doesn't really cut it, since everybody at the end of the year, grows older and maybe wiser (or just a saying).

I've never found the celebration of a singular day, any special than other days. I'm more of a man who gives than receives, so the anticipation of receiving on this very special day, doesn't really seem to create an impression of whether I do receive anything or not. In fact, I feel the need to reject such appreciations, because somehow, getting them seems ethically wrong though non-sensible.

Being a man who gives more than receives, the idea of presents or treats just seem redundant and often may seem a little degrading. But nevertheless, the rationale of festive giving is all about the heart and effort. And i guess the best present that one can ever receive, is the gift of time. Taking the trouble and effort to avoid the need for monetary gifts, and just incur a simple amount of time, normally has a greater impression.

Well, the rest have spoken. Today, is just another day, but its the start of another new year, with newer opportunities, challenges and possible room for the attainment of eternal happiness.

"My 21st' of December 20XX" - frostdude

Anger strikes back

2010-12-14T20:42:00.001-08:00

Furious, just utterly furious. I can never seem to maintain this neutral or positive image with him. I see and envy other families who have that kind of close intimacy with their siblings, and I just wonder why is mine so equally behaving like a complete moron.

With the age gap being leap over two different generations, I find myself in difficulty even communicating with him. Somehow, I just find his every word spoken like a whining clock and whining should be left to the parents, and not done on behalf. Apart from the endless whining, he takes pleasure in assuming that I'm a complete green horn with no prior reality experience at all while he believes he is blessed by the gods of knowledge. And even him, he can't even get his 30 years of life together, and he sticks his pointy smelly nose into mine. If you're going to set an example, at least do it right at your end, before teaching others how to live theirs.

Then again comes to disgusting part where he tries to win your approval. Seeing even his words can do so much dismay, he turns to the use of money. And even money, seems so unbearable to even receive from him, because every dollar seems to be a burden or a favor which I owe him in the future.

Just yesterday, a simple lending of his bicycle to cycle to a destination, created a perfect opportunity for him to exercise his brilliant competency in consultation and advisory. And he ended the argument with, "Do you not understand? I told you not to ride my bicycle." Kiddy and childish as it sounds, I took it completely to heart. He actually played the "DON'T TOUCH MY PROPERTY" context strategy which straight away created an internal W-T-F surge in my nerves.

And you see why you are not on my LIKE list? Just another reason for you to be on my UNLIKE list. His presence just completely irritates me and I see other siblings are more supportive of one another. Somehow, his lack of approval or disagreements often hold me back from what I actually can do or want to do. Yes, I know you can't cycle for nuts, but at least do not deprive others of their talents, just because you perceive the issues of safety problems.

This cycling issue is just the layer of iced arguments, which I'm referring to. There are other times when negotiation seems too tiring, just because he has his own opinions and I've mine. So that is why, sometimes I don't even speak, because knowing his answers and opinions, I just don't wanna tire myself with his nonsenses.

"Next time you give me anything, I'm gonna throw it back at you, because it is YOUR PROPERTY" - frostdude

TRAP A TRAP.

2010-12-12T05:42:00.000-08:00

First question that we must ask ourselves, is "Is our environment as friendly, kind and caring as you think it is?".

I guess, I would say that life isn't always as perfect and safe as it should be. As time and generation passes, the complexity of the human race has grown immensely. Well, we can't blame society and its rapid development, but only become more wary of the dangers that lurk at every corner. In the older days or perhaps older generations, issues and incidents take place with little complexity, probably due to the lack of distractions, modern technologies and electronic communications. People in those days, are equipped with much better human skills compared to people of our generation 2010.

As we advance in today's technology age, we tend to appear to be hiding or communicating behind a liquid crystal display, with fingers stabbing away on phone keypads. As such, due to such long term exposure, we have forced ourselves to become more technologically skilled but at the same time compromising on our human skills.

But that's not all. Because of such lack of human skills, uncertainty grows among our decisions. Uncertainty can be used as an advantage but also a tool for evil deeds and unkindly actions. Playing on environmental uncertainties, we often try to create a delusional figure which appear more attractive in the eyes of the watchers. This perceptive image is often intentional and of false pretenses but honestly it is what someone wants to see in order to promote greater acceptance. Once again, because of the fact that uncertainty falls into the picture, many are uncertain of the level of acceptance, hence the need to promote a greater positive image. This is known as a trap.

Well, it can be a trap, and it can also be a a humble attempt. But most of the time, it does not pay to be humble, as often being humble requires one to degrade himself to a certain level which appears to be somewhat pitiful and disgraceful and yet hoping that by falling short, the opposite party would appreciate. Nevertheless, that's often not that case, since many often regard human flaws as weaknesses and points of breaches.

Besides the humble attempt, there is what i've illustrated to be a "TRAP". A trap is a socially embedded platform which allows one to reap the intentional benefits from the opposite party who seeks out the perceptive positive image portrayed by another. Well, one can also call this "a well-deserved lesson" but not many people learn from such deception because many do not really know when they have triggered a trap until its too late. Often, by being too engrossed with other details, they often miss out what lies beneath their noses.

Now, it has come to my attention that one can trap a trap using a trap. In strategic planning, we call this forward planning or strategic foresight. Somewhat like minority report, one should always be a few step forward in terms of planning, so as to figure a contingent plan. This is because due to great uncertainty, one can never be guaranteed implementation success.

However, this theory is no longer an advantage since many are also adopting this strategy. By being equipped with greater knowledge and abilities to foresee and plan for the future, one can in fact create traps to trap the trapper. Knowing the trapper who has laid the trap, a trap can be laid behind the trapper's trap, thus trapping the trapper when he traps the "trapee". It is complicated but try to keep up.

Click THE PICTURE to enlarge!

But i guess, this whole idea is all about the time advantage, the effectiveness of each trap and of course the ability to withstand the mental complexity of trying to keep up. This whole entry illustrates the idea of mental trapping and perhaps indications of how to avoid the traps which some have set for you. There are other considerations which need to be taken into account, such as the level of comprehensiveness, skills and experiences of the trapper.

There are many comprehensions to the identification of traps but when it comes down to it in reality. Suspecting another often requires a lot of poor morality and human ethics. So, choose wisely before setting traps for the ones whom you dearly know because once these mental traps are set. The triggering effects are often unknown and poorly judged. I believe one might call this "mind bombs" which in fact "mind fuck" another, at the time where he least expects it.

"How to trap a trapper" - frostdude

2010-11-29T01:36:00.000-08:00

As the month draws to a close, I can't help but think about how November passed and the events which took place in this very month. For one cent, let's think about the social peripherals that have attributed to my very descent.

The phrase "Why can't we all just live together in peace?", has knocked me over. Perhaps, its personal upbringing or some sort, but i just can't put my finger on it as to how the society attempts to believe that they can work in harmony while also keeping a side of hatred, envious, jealousy and disappointment. This is a side where many are aware of but just do not simply admit their awareness. You can say its fake, but both parties are keeping it real, and when you say they are being fake, they tell you that its outrageous acquisitions.

But seeing how these social animals bond together for a common cause, makes me wonder why individuals like myself do not share such an instance where differences can be put aside and for once, we can live in a moment where it is perfectly false but realistically acceptable. But, back to reality, I do not share such similarities because of my indefinite nature to sort before i get sorted out.

And thinking about it, just made me voluntarily smile for just a while, thinking that sometimes we can just put our differences aside, and live a day where we do not think about our hatred for one another. Seeing how these animals celebrate in joy and take in the festivity only made me realize, that there's a great gap in my existence or perhaps in my hierarchy of needs. It is always good to regress down to satisfy a particular social need, but realizing the need to do all that, only shows my need to constantly seek out a source to replenish these needs.

Then again, we all can't have everything in life and sometimes what we really want most, may not be what we actually need. But then again, what do we really need in life? All that glamor and success but faced with life's shortcomings? A sense of attachment but no real achievement of social satisfaction?

"What I lack, may not be what I really need. So what do we really need?" - frostdude

An Opportunity

2010-11-19T10:10:00.000-08:00

Grasping on an opportunity but is it always viable to do so?

We define opportunity as a positive chance to make changes in our lives or plans. What drives opportunity is the belief in taking the leap of faith. Believing in that new change or something extraordinary, helps us to embrace the opportunity. It is believed that every opportunity is golden and we should always make a consistent effort to ensure that we live up to our perceived expectations and outcomes of the opportunity.

Opportunism has a twist in everything. Many fear that an opportunity may not actually be an opportunity in the first place. Well, the opinion defers. Somehow like always, by being too pessimistic, we often regard or disregard in fact, all opportunities in life because we have already created a mental block or barrier which tells us that whatever we do, may have a negative effect on us.

But the opinion still stands that in every change lies a new gateway of opportunity. Well, even though if an opportunity's expectation does not meet its perceived standards, as always new opportunities often bring new changes to one's life. So as such, even if that opportunity expectation does not come true, new changes will take place, thus stimulating new opportunities in the process. Like what my friend pointed out "If you always do what you always did, you'll always get what you always got" (Jerome, 2010).

So, there's no need to fear a perceived opportunity but in fact, we should embrace new opportunities because they tend to create new changes in our lives, which opens NEW DOORS to other possible outcomes. For instance, take a guy who always drive to and from work, the opportunity or probability rate of meeting an old friend, is close to zero. Whereas, ask this guy who drives, to take public transport, it creates new opportunities and an increased probability of meeting this old friend.

So when life gives you an opportunity, you should take a step back and think. Don't think about the possible rewards and achievements, because these sort of thinking are often short-term considerations. But, one should look at the holistic pictorial view, and identify the possible future outcomes, rewards, impacts and influences that one can reap from.

One element that one must possess, is the presence of optimism. It is only through positive thinking that we can fully reap the benefits of an opportunity. Common resistances include resistances to change and poor adaptiveness to new environmental changes. One may become too "stuck-in-time" that trying to move on, may seem to be taking a big risk leap. Such behavior would indicate that this person's personality is often easily-contented and lack of forward vision.

The gifts, hopes and wishes that we yield, are always present, but dwelling on the past and holding too dearly on the present, would essentially cause one to forgo the greater happiness in life. Such illustration is known as the opportunity cost.

So, have you embraced that opportunity in life yet?

"If you always do what you always did, you’ll always get what you always got " - Jerome Wei Jie (2010)

2010-11-13T11:21:00.000-08:00

I'm just clueless of what to blog but somehow i feel the great need to pour my heart out. Its an intangible unspoken feeling which just needs to be released from captivity. I feel once again that I'm standing at the edge of the building, with a moment of truce and a lifelong of temptation and regrets.

What really strikes a blow in life is not the actions that we do, but it is the implications, impacts, influences and consequences that we have to deal with. Initiating strategic actions are as simple as getting up from bed and going to work, but somehow no matter how insignificant these actions are, we all live to see another day, and just feel responsible and remorse over what had happened.

I'm not just referring to my recent vehicle mishap, but i'm in fact giving reference to the many parts of my life which are still as dark and behind closed doors. There are places which even my parents nor I, have ever ventured to. Some emotional boundaries are simply too abstract and even disgraceful. I guess, everyone has their own safe haven where they do not receive any condemnation.

Everybody keeps secrets and search hard enough in their cardboards, you'll bound to find their skeletons. Occasional look backs at the many what-ifs in life, and somehow no matter how many what-ifs there are, it'll never get as close as what I have today. It is always going to be something more for something lesser today. This poor illustration of discounted value, only indicates that living in the present, is not easy and sometimes it could become pretentious but we all have to work with what we have.

The mask that we put on everyday, for the world to see, only identifies that we are fake and we have a dark and grey area which we do not want others to see. Living in this world, the norm would be to always be true to yourself. But being true to others, may only indicate that you might have to incur a trade off. Is this trade off an affordable loss for an extra of a positive gratitude or image? That is still left unsaid.

I mean, "just the way you are", is never the same from the beginning. After the passing of the phrase "the truth will set you free", many times based on other situations have shown otherwise. The power of the truth has a way of creating spikes of agony which often lead to mixed emotions. There are risks, there are always risks but is the truth worth changing the situation now? From being safe, to being risky for a price that has yet to be evaluated.

I guess today, something emerged inside of me. Proximity, propensity and capacity are the few evaluative variables which struck me hard. And being true to myself, I told myself that going through with it, will eventually lead to a false direction and the occurrence of unnecessary risks. After all, the real test is none other than, Life.

"If Life is a test, who has the authority to grade your progression?" - frostdude

2010-11-07T08:41:00.000-08:00

I must say November is one of the lowest point this year. It's silly how taboo backfires on you. Some things should not have been said, and sometimes retribution accumulates. The first week of November has been really a hell gateway for me. Though November blessed us with a good long weekend, it was an opportunity for things to go wrong, really wrong.

Somehow today I'm feeling the lost of words. The words to describe my thoughts but today I just figured I needed to write something down on this web space. I guess when things screw up, everything just goes haywire. Come to think of it, I should have gotten a ticket to India with my friends to celebrate divali??? Everything would have been saved.

But its all a wreck now. Tomorrow, I'm going to find out the repair costs of the vehicle. I hate this feeling of uncertainty. And even though my father intends to pay for it all, I just feel the need to repay in full, regardless if the insurance covers it or not. I mean, it is not like I don't have the money, but I just feel the lost of pride in this sense. And not forgetting, I hate being the spoilt one in the family, and since I've solely caused the damages, I think I should take more responsibility than just brooding over it.

Furthermore, if I pay for it, I feel the ache, and I feel better. Though it doesn't make sense, but I just want to feel the pay and ache of it, and let others know that I've paid my dues for my damages, rather than simply presenting an emotionally distress in this period of time. And perhaps after paying for it, I can just forget about it. It was really a screwed up situation.

Just one mistake, has caused another new chain of actions which would not have been triggered. I've stayed home for the past few days during the long weekend, and completed my main objective. And now, it seems what i rejected a few weeks back, I have no choice but to accept it again. I'm doing it for the money, and its not because I need to pay for this bill, but its also because I have other priorities which my capital was set out for. And now seeing that extra unnecessary outflow I have incurred, what more can I say? We are all financially motivated on one or another.

As such, I promise myself that I will not be touching the wheel till 2011; MANDATORY. Beyond that year and date, it's subjected again to further confirmation, but most likely I'm going to stick to public transport once again. I mean comparing mobile vehicle versus public transport, it would seem that both form of transport clocks an approximate same timing, so what's the point of incurring this extra risk? And probably, extra cost. Just for a little bit more aircon, comfort and luxury of sending people and ferrying them around.

I just feel really depressed with myself lately. It seems like one of the darkest pit to fall into. And I really hope this undesirable month of November only falls on the first week of November and not chain combo to other weeks of this month.

And for the first time, there's no quote for this entry.

"Sincerely, stop." - frostdude

My First Car Mishap

2010-11-05T13:37:00.000-07:00

I don't really know where to start, or who to blame, but somehow I always blame myself for whatever mistakes or shortcomings which I exert against the surroundings of my endangered world.

One of the painful things which do not happen to me, is a car mishap. Notice that I used the word "mishap" rather than "accident" because an accident would evidently involve casualties or a great physical damage. What actually happened, in fact could have been avoided. And here goes another story of my life.

Just two months in the graduation from driving school, my life couldn't get any better. Accompanied with two years of driving military trucks, I'm sad to report that today I've really met with a situation that really caused me to once again doubt my driving abilities. God damn, I think its really a taboo to laugh at others' poor driving skills.

I mean sometimes, its just really not your day. In fact, I woke up today feeling restless and cumbersome that the world is on my shoulder once again and I'm still resting for my final ordure with my IPPT this coming weak. Let's not go into IPPT, because it will make this entry really really freaking long.

I've gotten an invitation to head out. In fact, it was an invitation which came so sudden and the destination was indeed uncertain and I was very clueless and may be even the possible lack of confidence to drive into uncharted locations of Singapore. The invitation inspired me to take on my driving which I've put on hold for the past 3 weeks. I din't know why I did not really drive for those 3 weeks but strangely, it just did not occur to me that I needed to be on wheels.

As such, after a 3 weeks break from the wheel, I touched it once again and felt a little weird. At first, i thought it needed to get used to again, then i started to realize that I've not done alot of things such as checking before i turn and sort, like as if something had gone wrong!! Nevertheless, i recorrected myself at that point of time when I dashed out of the slip road without checking.

If I've known, I would have picked an easier route to drive to CCK. But instead, I took the worst route ever which was under great renovation and construction. The roads were crazy and filled with sharp bends and unmarked roads. And this car mishap of mine, happened after i cleared all these road obstacles. I guess i was pretty much about to give a happy PHEW, before it really happened. I mean my turn was just on the next traffic light, but things had to happen.

I hate this taboo situation, I seriously do. So this is the part where I go greater into details. So there i was at the traffic light with three lanes in front of me. One was the inner fast overtaking lane, the center lane and the left slow lane. After the traffic light, I was in the queue in the center lane. Upon seeing the left slow lane which was so empty, I was pondering like how interesting it was that no body was in that particular lane. I mean bus lane does not take effect on a public holiday, so yeah, NO BODY?

I decided that queuing for another 5 minutes was a waste of my time. AND YES for your information, I was not even in a hurry to reach my destination, just that this inner emotion surfaced in front of me, telling me.. "Like hey? Left lane is empty yo?". So yeah, i changed lane for the left outer slow lane and continued at 60km/h.

It was great, there was no car in front, there was nothing! In fact, it was like a straight horse race where everything just seems so smooth. And yes, life isn't as smooth. Shit happened. I mean what i saw at that point in time was 3 lanes, and I was in a lane which seemed rather narrow. I was approaching this scenario at 60km/h, with little time to think. On the left of my car, was a kerb, near a shop house. On the right of my car, was the middle lane where cars were queuing crazily.

I had a split 5 seconds to make a decision, 3 decisions in total:

Decision 1: Stop my vehicle by jamming brake, because I doubt the kerb?

Decision 2: Carry on and try to squeeze through that narrow road, because it looks fine

Decision 3: Move a little into the middle lane, and rush hitting the taxi at the side.

Ok Decision one seems like what others would do. I did think of that, but then i realized what's the use of stopping when there's nothing infront of me. There was no hazard, just a plain harmless looking kerb. The road looks narrow, but I thought judgment that roads on construction are always looking real narrow.

Decision 3 is totally out of the topic. Decision 2 was what i chose, because decision 1 was over ruled due to the lack of presence of any harmful hazard. I saw the kerb like maybe a few inch away. But I think I really made a bad decision at that point in time. I literally drove and mount the kerb at 60. The shock was intense, and both left front and rear wheels went up the kerb and poof, all is lost.

I managed to drag my car all the way to my old army camp. Just freaking excellent. I cleared up the mess and made a god damn guilty story. And I guess that is the end of my driving for this whole damn year. I need to pay off my debts.

There's nothing much to say about this whole incident. I went home and checked out Google Map and realized that that road i was travelling on was a merging road. I did not see a single sign probably because I was too happy and engrossed at the "straight horse run". The lane which i was travelling on was a 0.5 lane, not meant for driving through. It was simply for the shop houses to park their bikes. And it is a motorshop too! If it wasn't peak hour or a public holiday, I would have seen different, but naturally, shit happens at the wrong time, and as usual it started to drizzle. How more emo can this get?

Tow truck came in 45 minutes, drizzling and the estimated cost is about 700$. Though the insurance is going to cover it, I'm still going to work my ass off to pay for this shit. Its because I'm too guilty of my lie, a necessary lie to continue driving on my own. The only issue is that I feel I'm having the lack of practice, and my parents are not giving me the proper guidances to gain my confidence in driving, as such i have to sought to driving secretly on my own or just driving out alone on my own with their knowledge but not their approval. The strangest thing is that my father wanted me to learn driving, so yeah I got my license, but the control of the car seems to be restrictive.

But I can't blame him either. I feel terrible now after the lie, but I guess there are many take-homes for today, and I'm definitely not touching the vehicle till next year.

"There is always a reason why some road lanes are empty, its because regular drivers know what shit is up ahead, thus they tend to keep to another lane for safety" - frostdude

Death Spank - NEW RPG :)

2010-11-02T10:35:00.003-07:00

::: MY REVIEW ON GAMESPOT ::

Firstly, if you're a big fan of role playing games, you should definitely give this game a try. The gameplay is relatively simple and you don't need to worry about armors, character stats. This game works on a notion whereby new armors basically increase your base health, while defense remains a constant, thus basically you just have to tank the damage. If you don't want to tank the damage, you can learn the precision of using your shield.

The storyline is awesomely cute. There are hints along the way if you are uncertain of what to do. Death Spank operates like a sandbox kind of RPG and basically you can explore side quests or just rush through the main quests. But interestingly, once you finish exploring the entire map, you'll probably be near the max level of... =)

One thing that this game really lacks, is the customization of weapons and the discovery of rare items. But anyway, if these were included, it would become like another Fate or Torchlight RPG game. - frostdude

I guess what one of the most interesting element of this game is the hilarious narration of the characters especially the main character; Death Spank. Another new interesting game component is the "item grinder" which allows you to turn useless items into gold which can be spend to buy potions and stuff. But most of the time, you do not really need to get into the hassle of exploring for new items, as they will eventually appear on your doorstep if you're hunting the right enemies.

Although the graphics cannot beat Torchlight or Dragon Age, this new gaming experience being introduced by Electronic Arts Entertainment, really stirs a new flavor in role play games.

So yeah, I recommend you give this game a try :). Available on Steam.

frostdude

Realization is key for planned change and intrinsic renewal

2010-10-21T07:49:00.000-07:00

In life, we fear changes. Its part of our nature because deviation from our routines and perceptions will lead us into a grey area which we often cannot comprehend. In addition, the fear of making mistakes and exposing our true self often lead us to believe that we may be making a fool of ourselves, thus being too ashamed.

The painful aspects of change is that we know about the alternatives but weighing the benefits and costs, are often separate tasks. The difficult part is identifying the best route to take, because we live in a great fish bowl of uncertainty. What's more, is the fact that new opportunities and challenges emerge as we embrace the decisions in our lives, and somehow we need to live with our decisions, especially the ones we have made in the past.

Those who promote and embrace change, tell or perhaps push for change especially against the resistors of change. These resistors are people who take incremental steps in life, because they fear of big planned change, and generally because big change may become complicated and complication drives the hassle of cleaning up a big mess if anything goes wrong. Well, if every change goes right, it would be paradise and our state of technology will be as awesome as the 31st century.

Sometimes, I'm those who promote change while other times i'm those who resist them. But one thing is certain, without true realization, no one actually changes their way of life, no matter how much they try. A true realization will allow one to really experience the nature of a change, although that would mean a strike 1 for bad experience, but sometimes people have to learn it the hard way.

One thing i've realized is that no one entirely change their ways even under great fire of pressure. The change is rather temporary and often we adjust our ways even after change has been retained. So yes, maybe this time round we listen to the instructions that 500ml of water is needed, but later on we tend to increase or decrease it, due to human complacency. The realization of the need for change, has its kicks and drawbacks. But it would serve as a reminder for future changes in life, but the offer still stands that realization is always needed to prove the theory that 1 plus 1 is 2.

Putting this into reality perspective, is my recent realization of the need for change. Being so static and stagnant in life, only stalls you at one corner, while the world moves forward, leaving you behind. You dun feel it at first but after 6 months or so, you feel that you've lost connection with the world. While ignorance is bliss, carrying on this arrogant attitude, will only lead on to a deadly end where choices are limited and you feel a greater resistance to risk and change.

I've been anchored down, yes that's the right word to use; anchored down into a situation where i set my binoculars to a particular objective that it has caused me to develop a tunnel vision and a simple lack of direction. I anchored for over 3-4 years, with the nature of "ignorance is bliss". My recent realization has caused me to develop a new ideology towards change.

Well, as disgusted as I can be, I can only conclude that an early realization is the key driver towards a planned change and intrinsic renewal. And like always, change happens from within, rather than from external drivers, because external drivers often create temporal changes which humans respond to as "extrinsic motivation" whereas an internal drive for change, often lasts for a much longer or permanent perspective.

"Realization is key for planned change and intrinsic renewal." - frostdude

2010-10-03T00:34:00.000-07:00

If we ever meet again?

Yes we did. Often, we get haunted by the past because of some unfortunate deed or miscalculation of decision making. And although time moves on, we still keep a memory of our mistakes and fill ourselves with a sense of regret. We often leave things unsettled and unsaid as we proceed on in our lives, and hope that bygones can remain as bygones. Frankly, I'm a person who takes things at heart, and often they do not just go away overnight.

I had to start somewhere to wash away the dirts of the past. It could have started from the root of the problem but somehow my roots have taken a separate direction which would not matter anymore because it has already developed a new life, a new personality and a new future. Thus, my words nor my actions would not really matter or change the course of nature. It would seem that my actions could have been one of the contributing factors to a chain reaction leading to its new life development. Notice, that I've used the word "it" as a representation for your substitution.

I stopped for the next best thing which could have happened to me in the past. As mentioned before on September 26th's entry, I'm those who often seek contention and satisfaction, thus find it difficult to keep up with the base line of happiness. What i am today, was based on a decision 7 years ago. The momentary split second choice of not competing with a rival, has caused me to further escalate to where i am, and what i am today.

I had my chance of making ends meet this week. Well, although people have moved on, I have not. This week was the best opportunity to take a leap of faith into a new change. I felt nervous, so I asked a friend along. He was unaware of my historical relationship with the opposition. It felt awkward seeing the opposition, besides the fact that it was been 4-5 years since we last met. I tried to break the ice, make amends and cover my "emotional holes" as much as possible. But after it all, who wouldn't die to go back in the past and make the right decision? I'm just happy I've finally gotten the chance to redeem myself for my bad decisions in the past, especially when it involved the opposition.

It felt right and it felt selfish, but it had to be done. I had to seal a 7 years ago damage into a capsule which would allow me to set aside any misdeeds in the past. It was not right, because I did not bring up the issue over dinner. It was not right, because i did not confront the opposition about the past, but seeing how elated it was now with its current life, why spoil it? Perhaps, it is all gone with the winds for it now.

"A chance at redemption; 7 years's of regret - would it have been different?" - frostdude

2010-09-29T01:15:00.001-07:00

Today's topic is about Porn! <--- Highlight.

Yes, finally I've come out with a entry which can be filled with substantial length to make a note of. Say, 90% out of the population or sample size, would have come across or viewed such material regardless of whatever they admit it or not. Well, those do denies such actions, would most likely rate themselves as too publically shy to announce or undoubtfully unable to accept the realistic comments.

And out of these 90% of the population who watches them, they can be further divided into 2 main categories based on my opinion. There are those leisure and frequent viewers.

Leisure viewers watch based on the availability. The availability would spark the motivation to take a sneak peak into these materials' contents. Most of the time, this is how it actually starts of, as an early adopter stage and depending on the availability of such materials, would further develop or induce the behavior, thus becoming more frequent viewers. Leisure viewers often take little interest in quality or content, but rather the excitement of the material on hand. These excitements are often short lived and neglible.

Unlike leisure viewers, frequent viewers take a more in depth approach on such contents and materials for the fact that they may pursue a several niche segment or entertainment pleasure. I've actually devised a 3-stage process in which frequent viewers take in the processing of quality materials.

1. Video Checking Stage

Well, the first stage would be "video checking". It takes into account content, quality, positions, passion, storyline, facial recognitions, dressing and other styles. Time becomes immaterial for the fact that in order to get the best quality which suits the personal desire, one would need to engage in heavy quality checking. Often these checkings would initially take 5-10 minutes per material, but in view of the learning curve effect, these checking would reduce to perhaps 1-2 minutes; with simply 8 clicks on the movie timeline.

2. Audio Checking Stage

The second stage would be "Audio checking". Well, the difference between first and second stage is basically the idea of convenience. Imagine, it would be rather stressful, tiring to engage in both audio and video at the same time. Apart from the possible prolonging of adrenaline rush, quality checking via VIDEO first, helps to narrow down the checking process, thus making the "Audio Checking" stage much easier.

The "Audio Checking" stage evidently confirms the validity and quality of the materials checked in the first stage. Some audio may irritate us and cause us to be turned off. For an example, some materials may produce sounds similar to what you experience in reality which are unpleasant. One example of that is the sound a person emits when he is having a constipation. As such, "Audio Checking" is one of the key underlying stages because it becomes the first pitstop of confirmation for the particular media or material in the hard disk.

3. Final/Transfer Stage

The final stage which is the "Final or Transfer" stage entails the idea of realistic space constraints. It also reviews the materials checked in the previous 2 stages. Notice that, a human's needs, behavior and desires are dynamic and everchanging, thus a material or media liked once before, may not contain similar positive amplitudes. For an example, Sora Aoi was good then, maybe good now, but not as good as others now too, thus she may have to get into the recycling bin.

Why is the final stage the "Transfer" stage? It's because of the idea of space limitation which causes one to look further into his portfolio and remove/update his assets, thus keeping it in sync with his dynamic desires.

Summary

Well, in conclusion, these stages are very progressive and generic. Most prefer to do stage 1 and 2 together while others do not prefer to keep a collection or evidence of their materials. However, what is really common is what people especially frequent viewers look for in these materials. They often look at the quality of content; in terms of passion, styles, storyline (maybe) and of course video dimensions.

Publication

" frostdude (2010), Total Quality Management in Porn & Other Media Materials, 1st Edition, Blogspot, Singapore "

2010-09-26T23:05:00.000-07:00

How can we always be contented with what we have? When we truly are satisfied, means we will not have anymore existence of purpose or self motivation. Humans strive for goals, achievements; be it academic, social, monetary or physical needs. I would argue that one's needs are truly imperative to their actions, behaviors and reactions. There's no one best way of saying or doing it but there are times when we stray away from the likelihood of long term happiness, satisfaction and deliverance of togetherness.

There are also times in which we move forward in the game, only to step back. The sudden realization of a truly eventful outcome; be it negative or positive, often brings us to a dilemma of exerting an effort to get things done. Knowing that there's so much to lose and yet if successful there's so much to gain, the decision would most likely to fall back to "stepping back" because it seems like the safest way to curb or avoid any possible conflicts.

In addition to backing down, there are other instances whereby the act of a decision or an idea is greatly outweighed by the possibility of any outcome. It can be concluded that perhaps it is the fear of losing or the tiredness of exerting an effort which has received a late reaction from the other opposition. Perhaps, sometimes it may have been blunt, or too blunt or too safe, thus resulting in a late realization by others. Nevertheless, it would have seemed as though there was a leakage in the internal morale and personality which has led to the discontinuation of a specific behavior or an action. And as a result, one would most likely back out of an intention in due of these predetermined circumstances.

Most of the time, this would happen and like what cats do, they would often stray away from their crown jewel and only come back regretting.

"A blunt but safe effort would result in nothing more than a late emergence of realization" - frostdude

2010-09-25T06:15:00.000-07:00

As memorable and lovely the UK pictures are, this trip has proven several meanings and perspectives. There's much to be grateful for bringing the family together but this trip has also shown how torn up each of us are inside. I guess the pictures only show the happiness that smiles for the purpose of camera taking, but needless to say the trip has its ups and downs. Well, mostly downs due to the nature and accidental fate that arranged how the events played out.

My father spoke of this particular statement which I will never forget, and somewhat I take it to great heart. There was once a local dinner which we had, and it went all wrong, thus getting on everybody's nerves. He spoke this statement, "The four of us, can never go out as a family". Sadly, it is often very true that even a local dinner outing, of say 2 hours; sparks would fly and arguments tend to arise.

BeingAs memorable and lovely the UK pictures are, this trip has proven several meanings and perspectives. There's much to be grateful for bringing the family together but this trip has also shown how torn up each of us are inside.

The oldAs memorable and lovely the UK pictures are, this trip has proven several meanings and perspectives. There's much to be grateful for bringing the family together but this trip has also shown how torn up each of us are inside.

My parents, being the oldest often have the perception of negativity which they tend to express and impose on us. Their expressive concerns often cause unnecessary stress to one another, and not to mention their raised vocal tones do not really help to calm the situation down. My father, who has said to gone through thick and thin, always worries the most, thus he spreads such concerns downwards to all of us. Sometimes, these concerns may prove to be right, but most of the time, they are just very exaggerated emotions which we younger people can handle it more effectively.

My tolerance level over these family conditions has not been very helpful because of my perception and belief that their unnecessary stress has always hindered me from performing my best due to so much discouragement and cautiousness. I'm often very ticked off by how I'm being treated, especially by my elder brother. His treatment is often pretentious and assumptive in a way that he thinks badly and stupidly of you, by giving you unnecessary implied advises.

My elder brother has a personality that fits into a storybook; where the world is kind and war-free. His personality fits his career like a fairytale but put it into a practical perspective on today's realistic world, he often faces great fallouts as many exploit his weak personality and lack of aggression. He believes he can export his 5 years in UK mindset, and influence the rest of the world, but someway somehow, he has failed in such implementation.

Well, knowing these 3 paragraphs of different personality, and putting them on the same plane and holiday, will only lead to bigger disputes and disagreements. My parents' past concerns and over predication led to heavier emotional and physical baggage while my brother grew over confident of the place, direction and accommodations.

His words to my parents' concerns were "Don't worry", "Whatever you want", "Do whatever you like". These words were unnecessary to calm the situation, but in fact what it did was caused us, especially me to grow doubts and silent disregards which soon exploded during the trip. I mean his way of trying to act as the GOOD GUY during the trip failed desperately.

We often did things separately and went different ways. The only problem with this was that, meeting punctually back at the same place was difficult and much as it was stated that it was a family trip, it wasn't exactly one. Perhaps it is due to the different agenda and the poor nature of the trip, that caused alot of arguments.

I always believe that every team can only have 1 leader in position. The leader of this trip was informally appointed due to his overconfidence. I, being fond of leading, had to relax my muscles to give way to new leadership. I was not a big fan but i really tried to control from flaring due to his incompetencies in leadership and human intelligence.

This entire trip has its peaks and its downfalls but given another opportunity to go through it again, i think I would probably pass it off. The entire holiday seemed more like a test of tolerance and a role of a "follower". On the 3rd day of the trip, I already looked forward and counted down to coming home. I won't say I missed home, but i missed having personal time with myself and not being bossed around by the informal leader.

Day 1 & 2.

The trip was crazy and overloaded, over-packed and all-so-tiring. The first 2 days we went down to Winderm3re, to check out this L4ke distr!ct which everyone was talking about. My first impression was "why was this town filled with old folks and the life pace of that place was so slow?" It turned out that place was like filled with retired people, seeking to get away from the town central area.

Our first argument happened in the drizzling rain where we couldn't find a taxi, and we were lost and pressurized to get to our "bed-and-br3akf4st" motel. My folks were pissed because it was cold, there wasn't any taxi and we were getting drenched in the drizzling rain. My bro was too confident and yet trying to be resourceful at the wrong time at the wrong place. My absentminded parents wanted to just board a random bus, while the other guy tried to make ends meet.

My bro held us back from any shopping done, because he feared the idea of carrying too much. THus, we delayed most of our grocery shopping to the last minute, which in the end i got so pissed and lazy and that i din't even get any grocery shopping done. I mean it is better to over-buy than under consume, and feel the impacts of poverty.

We went to see water, trees, vegetation, water, boats and more water. It felt like Tek0ng all over again, just that I'm just more well dressed and not carrying anything heavy. It was a waste of time, but ya, really there isn't much to do than just sight see like an ordinary tourist. The pictures which I took, turned out to look real great, after seeing everybody's comments on FB.

Day 3 - 6.

We left the bed-n-bre4kfast motel and headed towards L0ndon. We pit-stopped at L4ncaster Univers!ty, because my dad wanted to show me how a real university looks like. It was awesomely huge but sadly because it is the term break, there was no one insight.

The next few days we went to see Big B3n, Parliam3nt House, L0nd0n Bridge, some castles, 0xf0rd street, F0yles, W4terst0nes, a famous 150 years toy shop called Haml3ys, din0saur mus3um, reg3nt street, and even watched an 0pera; m4m4 m!a. I must say the tickets for this 0pera is like 66 over pounds. It was a bomb, and my parents were nagging away that "You know how to spend, but don't know how to earn". Sigh, when faced with a dead lock, my parents often use the impact of monetary currency to spoil everything and rule the argument. I mean if you really worry so much about monetary issues, then perhaps we shouldn't have come on this holiday trip; which is estimated to cost about $2k x 4 tickets.

"A test of tolerance on this trip filled with disputes and disagreements; NEVER AGAIN." - frostdude

The Decision

2010-09-16T22:47:00.000-07:00

It poured like the sea was leaking from the skies. I was still on my daily dosage of confusion and dissatisfaction. I was up and adams about it and was about to shake out the dust off my shoulder. Carrying these weights have only brought me an everlasting emotional baggage and life long contemporary regrets!

I'll be leaving soon, just real soon. Just the thought about running away and getting away from the reality I'm facing in my country of origin, has brought me many troubles. Though they are not that serious, they cant be solved easily with words and simple ligations. I've decided that in order to have a clean slate, I would need to make an effort to ensure that I do not regress any further. Perhaps, this year has played its role and purpose, and I would have to look upon the following years in order to get me out of my distress. Reasons why people fall out of their progress, is because of the lack of progression and the failure to embrace new opportunities due to personal resistance.

"Diagnosed with a natural illness of disparity" - frostdude

Expectancy Theory

2010-09-16T08:30:00.000-07:00

Theoretical Background

Sigh. Somehow, we tell ourselves what we want to hear, because it simply makes us feel better and continue to believe the words ringing in our mind that sometimes we can make movies into reality. The way of life, is how we see it, and at times we refuse to look at the bigger picture because it haunts us and we often fear the results of failure and rejections.

The calling of the Vroom's expectancy theory of motivation indicates to us that we should constantly adjust our personal perceived expectations so that we can continue to live in a more realistic society. Say, having a higher expectation of something, would greatly increase the motivator's effort and interest but however, it may cause heavier downfall implications when the expectations are not met dearly.

Expectation should be probably calibrated in view of the various user analysis. It is often important to analyze the situation and try to link the society into a nice puzzle which maps out the entire decision making process. One of the best indicator is probably the analysis of historical influences and events. Although they are often lagged indicators, they serve as ways in which one can understand the situational or personal behavior, thus expectations can be further calibrated accurately. Once expectations are well adjusted, the impact of the results would most likely be less harmful and somewhat predictable.

Application Perspective

Yes, in theory, expectation adjustments are said to be really easy but there are situations whereby you can become too immense in a situation, that you tend to focus on the failure pillars and overlook the bigger picture.

In my case, I've been on this relationship road for over 4 years and going to 5. I never knew what hindered me from achieving the goal, until today. I guess, I was talking it out, like what men should do, rather than be all shy and enclosed about. This is what differentiates men from women. Women have always formed a good coalition with one another, thus improving themselves greatly and thus gaining greater power and stronger bonds. Unlike women, men do not stick to networks or groups, due to the belief of personal shyness, pride issues or even the risk of personal power. That's all true, and yes it has become a norm, so can we ever break this ideology?

As I was saying, after analyzing my situation, it became a little clearer to me, especially after I had laid the points out on the table. It became crystal clear that there was a social class dissonance in motion here and I had overlooked it. I guess reviewing the opposition's past relations, have made me realize a trend (trend analysis), that the opposition's target was of a lower standard social class, and I for one, being on par/ or higher class is perceived to be out of the picture or even threatening. Being natures of the wild, we often wish to dominate or control a particular situation to meet our favor or even feel intrinsically better.

I feel rather disgusted by this fact, but since its a fact, it is only acceptable that I shift my personal expectations to meet such circumstances. One of the biggest threats in life is often fatal attractions and somehow you have to sit back and tell yourself that sometimes not everything can be controlled or acquired under your possession, but rather think about how shallow you and the opposition have become in a way that creates unnecessary barriers for one another.

I'm not saying I'm easy on giving things up but yes 5 years, is enough to confirm my intention. Somehow, I've adjusted my expectations so much that it has become pointless to even make an impression since effort is put in but personally the inner mentality expects nothing less than a failed attempt, so the question is why do I even bother trying?

Other Evaluations

The pursuit for love and affection has gotten me so far, and yet so out of the way in search of a desirable light which hopefully would shine back on me when the time comes. Nevertheless, perhaps the expectation theory may be wrong. Seeing that expectations often result in the adjustment of personal behavior, it creates unnecessary change in mindset and perceptions which normally is shaped around assumptions and other biasness.

A theory put in practice, only shows its validity but its reliability is often uncertain. I guess sometimes its good to keep an open-mind about situations in which promises good expectations while risky situations, its often best to adjust to a level which does not create heavy disappointments on one's morale.

To sum it up, my efforts for these 5 years have been messed up. I guess its the improper judgment from my side with the lack of effort to strive to show a visible effort to the opposition, so that it will actually take my effort seriously. My on-and-off presence has indicated the lack of commitment and poor timely response to the opposition's needs, thus leaving me with the shorter end of the stick and a note saying..."Nice try!".

"Expectations shape the perceived end results, the actual disappointment levels, the behavior and as well as the level of effort exerted." - frostdude

Traffic Police Test

2010-09-14T12:04:00.000-07:00

This is one of those days which you won't forget to blog.

As of today, I'm ready to drive on the road once more, without the need for a vehicle commander by my side. I'm now a SAF and civilian driver. It is about time, I must say. Somehow, it did not occur to me when I was bloody 17 to actually take up driving. Probably in those years of mine, I was busy with games, naive things and of course the pursuit of my degree course. It was pretty much my innocence but nevertheless here I am.

I took (notice that I'm using past tense), my driving lessons at Bukit Batok Driving Center. Yes I'm sure some guy will google this name. Well, school by far is of course a lot of administrative policies and step by step irritant but they sure managed to get 90% passing rate for a reason. Started of with basic theory evaluation and test, I won't forget those days when I failed my basic theory evaluation 4 times in a row in one day. I still remembered feeling darn emotional when I failed all the lessons for the day and had to come back the next day to resit for the next evaluation. It was pathetic, because the bus ride was a tremendous and painful 40 minutes ride.

I still remember those days when i sat at the hallway, awaiting time to pass me by. I remember reading the theory books and going crazy over nothing, just because of silly numbers which they make us memorize, but needless to say they do stick in your brains.

School can be a little more expensive but they really accomplish a purpose that makes the learner realize the different techniques and stages. And of course, learning through school gives u instant access to the circuit. I guess circuit really plays a big role in the entire driiving lessons because 60% of the test is within the circuit. Private learners have to book the circuit and they only get to try it out like a few times. No wonder most of my pals who took private, often have difficulty in passing.

Nevertheless, once you complete your basic theory test, you can start booking driving lessons while awaiting the next test; which is your final theory test. I urge that you finish up all your theory first because taking up these driving lessons. I guess its always better to do one thing at a time, and just take your mind of it. What was what I did. Once i finished my final theory test, which again requires you to take an evaluation which I failed 3 times. But, at the end of the day, i finished my final theory test within 10 minutes. It was a joke seeing everybody so tensed up and i passed it within 10 minutes, with the rest of them still recking their brains out at the 15th question.

Oh yes, final theory test will expire within 2 years but basic theory test lasts forever. So if you don't intend to clear your driving that soon, you shouldn't take up your final theory test that soon so that you can maximize the full 2 years. But hey, I got my driving license within 3 months.

Another reason why you should try to clear all your theory is also to maximize the expiry date of your provision driving license. As you know, you will be required to pay $25 for a 6 month provisional license. I guess you would want to give yourself ample time within that 6 months to clear your traffic police test. The extra allowance will act as a buffer, just in case you might need to retake the test again. So, within that 6 months, you can actually hope to take up 2 tests back to back, thus saving and maximizing your $25.

Well, I'm no newbie driver. I've been driving in the army for over a year with overseas driving experience in Taiwan. So, it isn't that bad and my learning curve is pretty steep and speedy. On my Stage 1.02, I was gladly allowed to move out of the circuit and loiter around the roads of Bukit Batok. Unknowingly, the instructors were actually bringing me along the test routes and just circling round and round. I know it was really boring, but hey there's a quota and timing to meet. In army, we need to clock the mileage, but in civilian, we need to clock the lessons and stages.

I guess, when they said book 25 lessons to ensure you have enough, is really too much. But, i guess for newbie drivers, 25 is all good enough. I had a great opportunity to block out an entire week to really learn driving. I'm serious, you should not do 2 x 100 minutes in a day, because it is really tiring. Within a week's worth of 9 lessons, I managed to clear Stage 3.

Never get discouraged by people who believe in the norm. Many instructors tend to tell you that when you hit Stage 3, you can only clear 1 or 2 lessons. Well, they are wrong. I managed to clear 3-4 per lesson, thus speeding up the entire process. I guess you just need to prove to them that you can really do it. And not just memorize, but actually learn the correct steps and remember.

Well, once you finished your Stage 2, you can actually go ahead and book your Traffic Police Test! Due to its really busy schedule which the school has, you would find your test really out of the way, like 1-2 months down the road. So you really have to plan it out. Stage 4 has 4 lessons and Stage 5 has 1 lesson. So that's a total of 5 lessons.

Stage 4 is basically the teaching of all the test routes. There's no point really to memorize the test routes. I've tried doing it but it turns out, it's just going round and round in circles. Sometimes the tester would even cut short the route, because of time constraint. This is especially true with you sign up for a TP timing that is at Session 9; the last session of the day. Those testers really just want to knock off and get da hell out of there. This can be an advantage and also a disadvantage because they tend to rush you in your driving, thus you may make mistakes.

The trick is to simulate your test timing. Means to say, if your TP is at 4.30pm, you should try to get used to the traffic from 3 - 5 pm. Thus you should expect yourself to book training slots such as 14.10 - 15.50 or 16.00 - 17.50. Simulation is everything so that on that day of your TP, you will find yourself in a good situation and as such won't panic.

Simulation is the best part of my learning process. We humans, after we learn something, we often try to tweak the situation, and we often remember these situations especially when it doesn't go wrong. As such, the turning point which you've been thought, may be different on that day. Therefore, there must be some room for flexibility. One of the big mistakes which many learners encounter is the lack of flexibility and they tend to follow that status quo, which often results in major faults. I, too suffered that problem, but thanks to 2 revision lessons, I passed my TP on the first attempt. I guess the revision was a way of recapping my right ways again.

I made several instructors do a simulation of what could happen on that day. They made me park and move in a funny way, and asked me to do the necessary adjustments. One of which was the parallel parking. He made me park so close to the left side that there was no room to move out. Another guy simulated the entire test from the beginning. 4-S Course, parking or 3-38 parallel.

Well, how was my TP? I was so nervous that I couldn't sleep the day before. I mean, come on exams always make people nervous. I just hate exams which have two extremes; PASS or FAIL. As such, there is not much room for major errors, and that would mean you have to be completely perfect. I got real nervous that i banged the ramp so hard, thus giving me 4 points. And there was a situation when I forgot to release my handbrake after parking, thus 2 points (I KNOW, WHAT DA HELL RIGHT). There was another situation, coming out of some room, I guess wrong judgment or what, so another 4 points. And lastly, like i said, today was so nervously screewed up that my parallel parking went out of the position, I did some stationary turning, thus 2 points. So, total 12 points. HECK! PASSED.

These are the instructors which I would like to thank! 6374 (Mr Wong), 5738, 6341, 6354, 6377, 6342, 6305, 6345, 6342, 6355, 5872, 6352, 5844, 5845, 6376, 6342.

6376 and 6342 were the best, because they gave me a great simulation of the TP day's event. 6342 lives near me, but I can't remember his name :)

And... thank you BBDC for the good memorable driving experience. It is a place to graduate from but won't be nice to go back again.

"Scenario Planning, helps one to react more promptly to situations through contingent strategies" - frostdude

2010-09-12T01:35:00.000-07:00

Out of plain sight, and out of the blue, I just happened to think about you. I had this dream, its not the person you think I dreamt of. It was a strange scenario of how things played out. I visualized myself at the tip of the question and only at that split second, I changed it. It was a big mess, it was a terrible moment but when i was at that tip, her size grew smaller and further as she began to fade away which only resembled the perceptual distance which I'm aware of in reality.

Her smile became a dark frown, and her eyes had much disregard and disagreement to my words, as if she knew the scripts of my moments. Somehow somewhat predictable, she too tried to come clean with her question, but only to get stalled and then the dream simply came to an end. It was too immense and intense, for even in the dream world, we have a part to play in the emotion process.

Laughter like a clown on stage, laughter like a hilarious misfit and laughter like a silly attempt. There, they stood, on the bench, giggling away because of a silly attempt to make ends meet. These laughter mattered because they had their chances with her. And for silly 5 years, I blame it on the moments which I did not try as hard and I'm comparing that 5 years ago and now, the amount of effort still remains the same, with hopes of obtaining something in return, without taking into account that satisfaction in the last 5 years, is not satisfaction today.

She left the scene.

"The mind dreams what the dreamer wants in reality"

2010-09-04T06:05:00.000-07:00

Today probably marks the end of socialization for the month of September. The last few bloody weeks, my mind has been real empty and somewhat operating in a robotic manner.

The end of August stipulates a new found fact that sometimes you really need someone to bring you back on your feet. No one else can do it better than yourself. Words from someone so dearly can cripple a person's mental and personality, so much that you begin to lose that side of confidence. For me, these words which he spoke, shook me so badly that the few days after hearing it, it stirred up a side in me which froze my own personal self-esteem, rendering me mentally bed ridden.

Then come again, i pondered that these words meant nothing to me because I'm simply doing or exploring what i feel is of the right course. This is the price which one must pay in order to develop a creativity which no one else has ever done before, thus making it unique. People do not accept uniqueness that readily because its risky and nevertheless new out of the blue. I disregarded these words from this person because I am who I want to be. As things developed, it got better, much better. So if you're feeling down about whatever someone said to you, fuck it.

Apart from all these, socialization as i mentioned will come to an end for this particular month. I started off this month with a very very big bang on social needs. Somehow reality provides a point that there are times when one person needs social needs while other times, one can go without them. This would apply to the ERG theory about progression and regression along the human needs and wants.

Apparently, too much night loitering can cause eye dizziness in a way so distinctive that it causes me to drop into bed early. To end of my month of August, i met up with a good friend on the 29th of August. As promised, that whenever we gathered at each other's territory, we would treat a drink as a form of welcome. He got me the most expensive normal tea ever. It was totally amazing how we sat for an hour just zapping everybody we know in the bottoms. It was a good catchup, once in a while, probably because friends these days are hard to come by and they are often belonging to the "too little too much" list.

Thursday 2nd Sept was another big event which I attended. You know, birthday parties have never been on my attendance list but this time round, I kind of made it exceptional. Nah, probably because it was one of the times when I don't have to organize to bring my army mates together. Sometimes, i just feel that they can take for granted the things I do for them in a way which often goes unnoticed. But i don't blame them because I love the leadership role. The birthday party was a big bash because it was someone's 21st ;)

Friday 3rd Sept was a formal event which I actually wanted to give it a miss because the moment was wearing me down so badly. I was beginning to feel the social impact on myself and I could easily see my nights pass me like chasing cars. It was a formal business seminar which I attended. It was a somewhat eye opener and personality changing experience. Just like what the consultants there spoke, they said this seminar will change the way in which you see things around.

This seminar gave me an open eye into the deep labyrinth of the corporate world. Whatever the textbooks say, were playing themselves out in my mental state, with me constantly questioning the corporate system and environment. I could see that their organization culture was indeed beyond belief. They often say in textbooks that corporate culture such as family and team culture are often bullshit and happy environment. This particular organization was marketing itself so much so beautiful that no one could point out any flaws in the system. I bet their HR would have something more to say but nevertheless, all of the consultants or employees kept a very good impression of that place. It was fabulous, and I couldn't believe my eyes.

One thing is for sure is that such organization as explained, doesnt really suit my personality nor ethics. Perhaps, if you know me or read my entries, you would realize my personality can be often questionable in relation to this organization's culture. Won't go too much into details. I guess their crown jewel was as easy to identify as Singapore Airlines. I couldn't comment much but they were holy worshiping this particular person of the organization, which I thought was a little too intense and lack of succession planning.

Apart from that, on a personal side, I felt that this organization gave me a bigger view of what to expect in the corporate world. I've tried to make my mental state and perception fit the image of a true organization, through watching documentary, tv shows and other feedbacks. However, this time round, it dawned on me that my perspective or my expectations have in fact down graded me so much that I was looking in the wrong direction.

The corporate world, although as competitive as it sounds, allowed me to open my eyes to the fact that the people I've been trying to reach are of different class. One thing in reality is the world "social class" which everybody tries to blend it and make do with their destiny. Social class although doesnt make much difference from my country of origin, it symbolizes a status which can be seen as a level of acceptance or impression. As i said, i've been looking or seeking at the wrong social class, thus leaving me with a parallel yet narrow view of what I could actually receive or target.

The view of the corporate world, showed me that there are indeed other qualified fishes beyond my boundaries. There are new opportunities and networks which I thought they never existed. I always believe that network is key for every thing. With the right source and network, you can indeed shake up a big strategy which will undoubtedly work its way through success. The people I met, i cannot seem to describe them but somehow i feel that they are somewhat on par level with me. Somehow i feel that they are of more potential and superiority with their experience and knowledge, despite my inclined qualifications. They managed to induce something in me which brought greater hope and energy to me in new ways possible. They made me rethink my strategic seeks and somehow changed my perception over one night. What i take home, was not what they presented, but it was what I said which open my eyes to new networks, opportunities, social classes and an environment which cannot be seen through the media. One thing is for sure, I do not believe in their culture, because if i was there, I would have broken it.

Despite of a long Friday at this seminar, I gave in to another day of social outing on Saturday. It is/was the Comex Fair which is/* taking/took place (depending when you read this) at Suntec City. It was one of the last big gatherings which I will be organize because somehow the motivation has left me and I will be becoming extremely busy in the months to come.

I guess, with all the effort put in, I feel glad that I actually made it this far with my kind of leadership. I always believe that a leader must have something which can reward a positive behavior, thus allowing or encouraging others to repeat that behavior over time. For me, as a leader the only reward which I receive is the part when people who have not seen one another for such a long time, come together and mingle. That is the satisfaction and reward which I would/should receive. However, i guess people tend to not repeat that behavior of turning up for these activities, because they are not encouraged or motivated to. That can't be helped, because a wrong leadership style would only FORCE people to attend rather than ENCOURAGE.

I managed to resist the temptations of the purchase of electronics. It was difficult but essential because somehow I don't really know how people in my country of origin can constantly purchase new stuff every 3 months interval. It was outrageous because whatever that you needed would have been purchased first time round or perhaps subsequent times but somehow many people are still driving themselves to the fair. Perhaps, usage level or new product hypes would have caused this.

Lastly, today I did a gamble of luck. I guess if you are still reading this, you ought to be rewarded with a bright praise, so come message me! I did a very out-of-the-blue stunt today, probably you could say I was trying my luck. As the bus drove by, I pondered over the fact of "better trying than never". Somehow, without the regard of bus fare and distance payment, I dropped down from the bus after it traveled to its next stop.

I made a call, with hopes of delight that today might be the day which I could attempt again. It was a big gamble, and often like they say "high risks high returns". I thought by doing this, it could spark a little effort and value for the opposite party. I guess, i've been trying for over 2-4 years; it has not gotten tiring but more of a redundancy due to the fact that somehow these situations which i encounter with this opposite party, often are repeatedly happening and safely it's not me, but its you!

Hard to get? I gave the other party 3 sms and 3 calls with a probability of 35% rejection. It was a big step forward for me because somehow one never gets anywhere without an effort and a proper intention. The overall result was depressing but yet evidently obvious so the expected impact was on par with the actual impact, thus it somewhat neutralized the situation in a way that allows me to flip the situation by, without a need to suffer any emotional discomfort. I guess it was a gamble indeed.

Nevertheless, this impact or what humans call as "feelings", i guess i am trying my best to feel the shoes or perhaps trying to fill a glass which is leaking from its base. This battle is somewhat a never ending process or pursuit of happiness but I guess as time goes by or as the water leaks out from the glass, one can only imagine or perceive the degree of long term satisfaction one can receive from his actions. I guess it is really acceptable in the sense that, life is never a fairytale but a realistic bubble which needs to be carefully harness in a way as proven that "it takes two to clap."

"Trying to fill a glass which leaks from the base" - frostdude

2010-08-26T03:29:00.000-07:00

We are but a package of the entire grand plan. We associate ourselves with the eternal surroundings, in hopes of trying to fit in with the crowd, so that we do not become different. We fear the difference that may surround us, distinguishing us from what many people call the norm. We evidently tell ourselves things have to be done in this nature of norm, because we believe it is the only best way of doing it. We are creatures of habit, we see a change in routine as a mere discourse and a conflict to our lives. We love being spoken to in a certain way, while discarding those who we believe are in line to endanger our well being.

We grow emotional attachments to what we own and have been using for some time because it has brought us luck, achievement or even savior. Be it biological or mechanical, emotional attachments and baggages are what we hold on to, to make us feel more human everyday. But to that extent, we hold ourselves from making key critical decisions because of our emotional judgment, for that are we doing the right thing?

We let people know of our emotional attachments, as though we have trust in others that they would help us carry on the legacy as they move on in their life. We let people be known to our emotional weaknesses just because they are of closer nature to us all. But personality is an element of inner pride which when tempered with, only gets no one any further than the starting line. Then comes internal retaliation and emotional conflict once again. That's normal, that's the way of our lives, so if you wish to avoid it, you should attempt to extensively conform to what the other party believes in, rather than trying to change a mentality, just because it is superior to you.

That is the problem today. Many people have different ideologies and everybody is trying to influence others one way or another. I guess it is the method of conveying it rather than trying to force it upon another, hoping that your age and seniority will make a difference. Things change, and sometimes a pre-mental personality is often falsely built on, probably due to personal encounters and mistaken experiences that would cause one to develop a tough rambo image of what is to be. In fact, things are rather simpler than what was imagined. Stop and think about how many times you've tried to convince someone about your personal encounters, but in time to come, that very person came back and told you; "hey, it isn't that bad after all".

My brother's emotional attachment to the home vehicle cannot be further elaborated but if one were to say or speak their mind about his unorthodox yet complicated obsession about retaining this fixed asset, it would not go anywhere because he has this personality which no one can easily shape or influence. He believes that his superiority and toughness faced in reality has gotten him that degree of respect which he deserves. Yet, I would say his life has never been any easier due to his lack of emotional quo. He has gotten the very worse of everything parcel in life, which has caused him to become a pessimistic fellow of his age with no network relationships.

I kind of feel for him, in a way that sometimes i hesitate to even open my mouth. You know the most difficult part in every conversation is not about speaking your mind, is about NOT trying to speak your mind. You have this burst of energy and ideas that you would like to share with the whole bloody world but come to think of it again, what are the consequences if you speak your mind? That has always stopped me from trying to continue a conversation with him because i feel his perception of knowledge superiority will eventually outrage me and thus leaving me with the shorter end of the stick. No one loves to get the shorter end, we are all but beings of the society who learns by association and past behaviors. Our disagreements have always been there since young, and he still had the guts to call the police on me. That is something which I will never forget, even in the face of countless monetary transactions.

Thus, I often just agree to his deceptive mind while retaining that bit of my own sanity. For a person who has made many mistakes in life, he has yet to change his way of mentality. If your information is always of superiority, but why do you still make that many mistakes in life? The lack of emotional negotiation and stress management have always been his issue in life, thus a weakness which many would easily access and conquer.

I cannot stress any further on his emotional baggage with this vehicle at home but I guess, I don't really even want to start on the cost-benefit analysis. Let's leave it as it is and maybe someday when frostdude becomes famous, he can read this and finally understand how/what i actually think about him.

"Do we all attach ourself emotionally to the things around us? That does make us a little bit more human after all." - frostdude

2010-08-20T12:05:00.000-07:00

Hmm, today i learn that i actually do have a wide network of online friends. Based on my survey questions in a day, there is close to about 100 respondents from my friends through the use of direct marketing techniques. Its really awesome. I can really forget about the usage of forums and emails because they are not as effective as one-to-one and referral marketing.

I guess relationship management is really important and not just the use of human assets or body parts as a means of getting what you want from someone. Though it can be very tiring to maintain relationship, the survey which i'm doing online now really helps me to link up with everybody at once. Though it might seem as if they are doing me a favor, i really feel that even after the survey has been done, our relationship has been revitalize in a sense that i actually feel that we have made progress or perhaps even caught up with old times.

The past brings out the memories which we hold in our deepest thoughts. Somehow, memories of the past, not only bring people closer but also help them to evaluate their actions. That is probably what is lacking in today's world, as people often are too busy with their life that they do not look back and what the past has to offer. Many literatures say that the past is simply a vivid mistake or happening which would not happen again and rendering yourself in the past, often do not bring any good. Somehow, it goes both ways that some changes can take place when you look back at the past.

The blaming game, which everybody is talking about. One of the major factors in the blame game is people tend to blame everybody but themselves in the process, due to whatever reason such as pride and self-ownership. I, for one feel that people should stop blaming others and think about their actions which have been taken. As always, actions led to a reaction and an implication of different circumstances. If we had not made that particular decision or action, it would have resulted in a different format of results and fate. So the idea here is not to blame oneself, but seem to criticize one's past actions and look at how he can use that knowledge to shape the future which he holds in his hands. Avoid the self-prophecy fulfilling concept, and take matters into your own hands.

Today's survey was very effective as even though it was the first day of its opening, i managed to get 100 samples :) Thanks to all who contributed.

"Blame yourself, before blaming others." - frostdude

2010-08-19T06:32:00.000-07:00

Its the first setback of the month. I'm feeling that it got me quite hard in the weak spots where it really hurts. The soreness is like a hard boil which only aches when you temper with it and so this is how it feels. The every step or moment that I think about it, somehow it only draws me back to the loss which i have incurred.

I've been really distracted lately because of the evident environment which surrounds me, making it a little not conducive. It is not the weather this time round, but it is the general task at hand. There has always been a platform which we can start off with, just say introduction or perhaps data research. But i've hit a point where i'm in the motion but my motivation is somewhere else. I'm having a big stacking going on and there's really so many places to begin yet none seem to have begun yet. It is about juggling the prioritizes that one ought to do but which one is more important because every part of it is interlink and hold so much importance.

With time running like a race to December, the pressure is on yet the self says it can be done slowly but surely. Yes, that is true but putting the puzzles together is never easy. In fact, nothing is easy. I hold a severe curfew on the timing in which work should be delivered, and that I hope will make the progression seem more of meeting objectives rather than simply catching the train.

"Is life simply about catching the train, or we are worth taking the time to wait for the next?" frostdude

2010-08-15T12:03:00.001-07:00

2010-08-13T05:51:00.000-07:00

What a week it has been. Tiring as it may seem, how do we actually make full use of a day's worth of time? Lately, I've been going beyond that threshold and trying to reach a potential 48 hours a day kind of life. There comes a peak moment in your 24 hours that you tell yourself, should it be a routine? Should I make it a point to sleep at 10pm, even if I'm not ready to hit the sacks? Parents have been grooming that idea in our minds since young that we must have enough sleep.

Somehow, sleep to me, is or has become a secondary issue unless there is really a need to shut down for awhile. If you ever notice, there is a slack period just before and after the sleeping period. Say, many would relax an hour or 2 before sleeping and idle around an hour or so after they have awaken. So if you were to calculate the amount of slack time, it would come up to 4 hours if a person sleeps. I mean its a general idea but somehow I've been feeling it these days. By the time, i really settle down, I would have realized that time had passed me by 2 hours.

To make matters worse, for lazy people like myself, sleep doesn't come as an ON and OFF switch. I tend to leave the ON button even when i'm awake after I've awaken. And I would realize that I would continuously feel sleepy or even feel the temptation to sleep even more than I should.

Lately, the sleep deprivation has been caused by the alarming incidence of meeting timely deadlines. I kind of underestimated my concentration level, but i guess it is picking up the pace by the days now. Like they say, the relax mode is hard to deactivate when it has been activated for such a long period of time. It is the momentum that one needs to kick start the engine. I guess the maximum i went on this roadrage, was about 20 over hours without sleep and just purely focusing on getting the job done.

"I"m so frustrated, I'm so reckless but I don't regret the decision" - frostdude

2010-08-09T09:30:00.000-07:00

Dilemmas often take place when one has the right ambitions but lack the ability to withdraw from the battle. Often, this dilemma catches us off guard because we believe that the perceptive mind outweighs the existing. One of the most powerful setback which I've faced recently was the ability to take back and pull out of a situation, thus the results were gloriously outnumbered.

There was this time when I hit that peak of my selfish youth days whereby the island was as self sustaining as it could ever be. It took no chains nor hooks to hold this fellow down, as it voyage around the seven seas, in search of the perfect antidote for the dying legacy. The push for such selfish means, had caused many unspoken circumstances which only I could be held responsible for. Those days, the perceptive measures often over-ruled the individual characteristics and traits. After all, no man is an island, only to have surfaced during the past few years.

On a bigger note, I for one am confused with the way of life, but nevertheless one can only force itself to understand what it disagrees. I've begin to accept the many disagreements which I've made for myself over the passing years. I guess one of the most crucial understanding is the fact that whatever we disagree, are often because we discard them from our minds due to the lack of acceptance of perhaps culture, history or facts.

My confusion of this new era of generation which I'm in, only states one thing that things change and those that do not adapt as quickly, often get left behind. I was one of those who had this resistance to proceed on, due to the traditional legacy issues which I've built around myself over the past few years. The new generations among us are but bold creatures who have absorbed the failures of our generations, and implemented new techniques to overcome older generations and their perceptive discomfort. I find that awefully helpful but there's something which I've been lacking; a good understanding of the new generation because I'm still clouded by my own legacy that sometimes these things just do not follow through.

Lastly, the biggest dilemma I'm facing is the progress of my last project. I won't say it is my EVER last project but one of the last academic projects ever. The starting begins with an ambitious and yet foresight thought of the future, which apparently I'm trying to influence by acquiring a subject which is complicated and yet, somehow I distrust my doubts of having the right abilities to handle it. Somehow, I'm being overwhelmed by a sort of uneasy feeling, thus resulting in the lack of progress or motion. The effort is terrible, probably due to the poor sleep schedules which I've been undertaking recently. Nevertheless, it is still not within my mouth reach to confirm the final review of my decision, despite many attempts by external consultants.

"Learn to agree to disagree; for there will be one day when you might have to disagree with others in order to agree." - frostdude

2010-08-08T13:20:00.000-07:00

Sigh. There are times when words cant seem to describe a feeling which one might have. I'm having this discontinuous feeling, which floats within me, which tells me of the many fears that I've tried to avoid. Many fears of failure, many fears of rejects and many other fears of the unknown. We are all human or we can be as human as we want to be from time to time.

I drew up this time line in my mind regarding my progression of consistent pursuit of happiness. It never ends well, nor did it ever start well. Perhaps, it is the lack of network that resides around me. I was telling a friend that perhaps one day if i were to write a book or consult or give advices, I would tell people that no one should ever get satisfied with their existing network, because opportunities are at every turn. And when you really hit a dead end, there's no turning back, because other networks would have moved on away from you, leaving you behind. But what can we all say? Humans get satisfied too easily with short term measures of performance, happiness and interests. I guess, one step at a time has a price to pay one day.

Well, many people have it the easy way because of perhaps fate, or perhaps the right stroke of luck, while others simply sit and wait for the next opportunity eclipse to take its course. I for one, have never been that lucky for clinch on a passing opportunity because every opportunity that comes to me, seems to have a faster product obsolete time, whereby competitors from all sorts anticipate and take the kill, like a prowling eagle.

I blame myself for times when i hesitate. However, they are of the right reasons. Somehow, in today's digital society, it is never a one-way easy course where we can all live happily ever after. I'm sure you would have evaluated that to be true, and just hope that things could go as simple as it should. Most people under such simplicity and naive influence, normally do not end well, given the course of time. And when the curtains do fall off, skeletons are shown and we are all to be blamed for being too unjustified at the start. Love is blind, and so are we.

I believe in today's raging suspicious world, network is key. No matter, how much I've been bragging about reality, one thing still remains that a wider circle of network will definitely get you further in your course of actions in life. Somehow, I've taken on that influence recently, due to the sudden realization of how impaired my circle has become. And as I've mentioned, yes paragraph 2 would slowly but surely apply to my situation in a sub context without any proper examples.

Would I say its too late? Perhaps.. but perhaps not. I guess the many among us do seek to expand their range, but through different and yet obvious measures. I mean is paying money for a stroke of luck in network entry, worth the trouble? Or perhaps the need for investment of intangible source of time? That still remains uncertain but one thing is still as keen, is the need to exert the right moment of effort. Effort at the wrong moment, seems as though it has not been exerted nor seen in the eyes of the receiver. We all believe that we have put in our effort but many of us, are simply distrustful in the sense that effort must be seen in the form of result or an attempt to make progress. If not, we are but...wasting our time.

"Effort at the wrong moment, seems as though it has not been exerted nor seen in the eyes of the receiver" - frostdude

2010-08-04T23:53:00.000-07:00

Lately, I've been busy running up and down with the whole driving thing. I din't know that it will only take me about 1 week to complete 80% of the entire driving session. It was interesting just being there at BB-DC, the experience was a pain but the process is a must. The painful part of it all is that the center has created a safely measure to avoid you from booking subsequent lessons, thus you have to wait in between each lessons for like 2 hours. The pain is finding something to do within that area because it is such a deserted place.

With all that 80% done, I'm doing driving on a weekly basis now, lol pretty rusty once again. That goes to show that driving has to be done every day or else mistakes are bound to happen, nevertheless I do try my best to remember the steps and sequences when doing say... parking? I'm quite nervous but in fact who isn't nervous when taking a test or going for an exam?

I've been looking up on my final year project, pretty lengthy stuff going on. Time's moving pretty fast when it comes to day and night, start to end of the week. Lately, life has been a chore and a routine for me, seeing the same stuff everyday and hoping for miracles when all i do is the same routine. I hope the next few weeks would grow a little more exciting, though my motivation levels to anticipate excitement is of a lower level compared to previous months. August seem like one of those lower months in which I keep a lower profile and stick to what I really do best.

"Sanctuary of momentary occurrence" - frostdude

2010-08-04T23:47:00.000-07:00

You know after everything that has happened in the world today. One perception never fails to pull through in life. Sometimes people are made to be only good in certain things which they try to specialize in, while other qualities of them are simply a flaw seen by many and often not accepted by them.

We have our points of parity and differentiations in life, but it is only a matter of how we utilize them in a way that people see them as a benefit rather than a feature which can be simply pinned on the board and noted for further remembrance. I don't like to generalize at times but this time round perhaps because I'm really pissed or simply because i'm just envious of the fact that the grapes are too high up in the tree that I think they are just sour anyway.

Yes, like i said...Perhaps it is a generalization but i'm gonna come out clean anyway. Beauty and muscles do not mean brains nor cash. Somehow, faced with a few similar incidents, the beauty thinks that its all fleshy that there is an overwhelming void of bad attitude, perhaps even without it knowing that it actually exists. Beauty looks for muscles, coz that is what complements it in a way that they come as a pair.

"Beauty is in the eyes of the beholder, that's why I'm not gonna be stupid enough to behold~ " - frostdude

2010-07-23T21:38:00.000-07:00

Busy? Well, kind of. With all the chaos going around, i can never find the time to login to Blogger. Firstly, I must say sometimes the weather is such a torture. When I have to rush out to get work done, it always seems to pour down on me, especially when I do not have a freaking umbrella. However, when it is time to relax and enjoy myself, it never fails to shine and heat up the entire place, causing me to feel all sticky and fizzy.

I've been wrecking myself with the long bus rides and 100 minutes of torture on the road. Since 16th to 23 July, I've been going back and fore from home to Buk1t Bat0k Dr1ving Center. It is a painful way of killing time. What's worse is that the waiting time is longer than the travelling time, bloody frustrating. I managed to clear up to stage 4 in 11 lessons. I kind of found it a little exciting, due to the need to relearn fast and try to meet as little lessons as possible. I was pretty disappointed when one instructor only passed me for 1 stage for the entire day. Nevertheless, I made up for it on the next lesson. There was one day, I think last Monday when i totally stoned on the wheel, with myself just feeling so emotionally impaired.

I should be pacing myself from next week onwards with just one lesson per week. Just think 200 minutes was tiring enough for me, as i had 3 days of 200 minutes and it is no joke. The kind of mental shagness cannot be described. During the drive, you won't feel a thing but when you calm yourself down and sit at a corner, you will just FAINT and SHUTDOWN. That's what i did everytime when i got home, so that would explain why I took 4-5 hours to complete 1 movie at night.

I've been drawn back to my roots; DOTA. I never knew that I would bring myself back to this game. Although I left this game like many years ago, somehow the game still has this attractive force that brings me back to my seat and ensures that i sit through a 60 minutes game.

Oh yes, ever since last week, school has begun. I always wonder how people do cope with driving as a part-time thing accompanying their work/school/whatever things they do have to do. For me, i've decided to take on driving as a full-time thing so I managed to clear it in a week's worth. But for others, gosh it must be even more painful for them to travel to BBDC for just a lesson, especially those who take night driving lessons.

I met up with my project supervisor and we spoke about the research proposal. I'm still feeling a little uncertain and vague about the topic which I'm gonna pull up of my sleeve. Come to think of it, it is rather fascinating how time passed so fast; so fast that I've received the IPPT reminder by MINDEF. Darn, when i saw that message, i felt totally weak in the knees. I've yet to complete a 2.4km in months. I've been doing speed training for 1.2km which I must say the timing is good but after 1.2km, I feel like I'm gonna faint.

Life for me now is all so random and unknown. I can simply change my entire day's schedule because of a new driving lesson slot being available. Sigh. Hot-Tub Time Machine, the movie has showed me a valuable lesson that as you grow older, and become attached and even married, you tend to become dependent on your spouse for human relationship that you actually lose grasp of networks of friends and other important personal commitments.

My independence over this week has been sound and quiet. With my parents overseas for the entire week, I've seen a quieter sight of the surroundings and in fact the peace is rather satisfying. Nevertheless, it is a mixed feeling as to such evaluation because sometimes not having anyone to talk to the entire day seemly kicks you back into a state of loneliness and unhappiness.

"A dream after another, putting myself in different scenarios with different action possibilities; but one thing still remains the same; Me." - frostdude

2010-07-12T02:49:00.000-07:00

I swear I'm only blogging once a week these days. I promise to update more often in the weeks to come, as i turn my life back to what it used to be, just plain books and typing and arranging of ideas.

After that unfortunate mishap incident last Tuesday, i still feel that things could have been better but come to think about it again, it was better off that way coz perhaps the things which i chose to leave out, might actually shock you to that extent. Anyway, that Tuesday, i took the Wednesday off, to actually try and cool my ends down, and probably rethink the strategy which needed to be implemented. Wednesday was a pretty much slow day which did not have much happenings, because i seriously don't remember what i did last Wednesday. You know, somehow, you live your days everyday but if someone asked you what you really did last weak, you may need to ponder abit, especially when everyday seems so routine.

Thursday was a very fruitful day for myself. I organized a small get-together with the army boys and actually did some catching up. Somehow, among all my organizing of events, i kind of prefer smaller outings because i guess it is much easier to coordinate, integrate and accommodate. Although large groups can promote better cohesion and meaning, they serve as a hinder to decision making, accommodation and activity planning. Just imagine a large group outing of say 20 people, eating at places will become a problem. Nevertheless, if a large group is say sub-divided into different managing roles and leadership, the rewards that one may reap from a large group is undoubtedly amazing.

Thursday, I met up with my old PC; Kenneth and friends; Teck Beng and Daryl. I guess the plan went as i planned it out especially with Daryl's troublesome techniques and the peak hour rush. Knowing Kenneth has always been tight at his wallet, we were pretty much constrained to fast food rather than fine dining or restaurant style. I guess you can say super budget of him to do so but really no choice when he is around. We searched high and low until we came back to Carl's Jr. It was quite sickening because he pretended to "look for alternatives" by "look see look see", but well in fact the cheapest places to eat at Kopi Tiam; but seriously you come from Tanah Merah to Jurong Point to eat chicken rice???

We played LAN without Daryl as he was still having lessons. Somehow, once again facing with Kenneth's constrains of "not-a-lan-gamer", I somehow managed to convince him to play for 30 minutes which was extended to an hour; i guess it was group power which exerted a force on him to continue playing. Daryl, as usual, another late comer but nevertheless, he still made it down just in time. If i'm not wrong, we watched Predator. Not a very fancyful movie I must say, but I guess now, there's more predator action than the first series. We departed at around 10pm, after exchanging some opinions about sociology and behavioral study. Somehow, their questions got me intrigued to process and evaluate clearly.

After a big day on Thursday, I took Friday off to eat at home with the people at home. I find my brother to be a little annoying in situations. Well I know it is in good will that he tries to make conversation but there are times when his questions become so generic that the answers to his questions, are already known to him, but he is simply asking for the sake of asking. Imagine this, you are all dressed up, and your parents ask you this; "You going out ah?". The answer is straight forward but, like duh? Before the exams, I've been locked up at home like a prisoner and my parents are like "Let's go out and do something". Now, i'm going out almost every alternate day and they are complaining that I'm going out too many times. How ironic.

My brother, at his age; you would expect him to be a little on the ball and experienced in his own ways seeing that he too studied for quite sometime overseas. Despite these knowledge, he is still faced with a "mid-life crisis", because I believe he is suffering the effects of a shrinking social circle and network that he is unable to trust others around him, other than his family. He gets so paranoid about his social security and distrusts others and brand them as a menace to the society. What annoys me is that he is bloody becoming like a "boy-friend", always being so sticky around me and providing insistent promises of money, gifts and food outing. I know free things are always good shit and we should all cherish them but there comes to some point when everybody needs that sort of personal space; that is why secondary school kids often show their temper and act of freedom. I'm not saying i should be like them but seriously gosh i'm really trying to act like my age here and be nice, so that i do not have to throw temper to get you off my back. He's like a sticky girlfriend which I'm not a fan of, but what can i say? I'm with him under the same roof 24/7.

He seriously needs to get a girl-friend or more friends. Girl-friend he tried, but really got tricked real bad. I mean for his age, he would have seen this type of trickster girls coming, but apparently, he got played like a fool. Or issit perhaps i'm just more aware of such tricksters? More friends, he really needs to enter social circles and gain greater public image and trust. His character has a big role to play but he lacks the resistance to change as he believes that it will require too much effort and energy and given his line of work; he believes such personal life can be put on hold. For his age, i think he should look at changing and evaluating his life soon, so as to avoid creating greater gaps in his life. That's all I can really say to make him a better person.

Saturday was also another massive weird day as i woke up and realized half of the day was already gone down the drain. There were plans of going out to eat but apparently my brother came home with a bad temper and thus saying "Some people have to work you know, we don't have all the time in the world". Well, it was his idea to make a commitment to eat but somehow he brings home his daily problems, hoping to vent it out. People, like my parents have stood in his line of fire and got it real bad. My father vent back and said, "Fine, tomorrow we shall eat in! Better that way".

Sunday, I already had plans to suntan with Zach and Darius. However, my brother woke up with a WOW-SUNSHINE-FEELING and said "let's go for dinner!". I rolled my eyes and carried on with my daily routines. I left for the outing with my buddies, but was confronted by my mother who requested me to cancel on them and head for dinner. So now, wow..my time and plan seem to be flexible ah? Nevertheless, i strolled off.

Those bastard whom I related to them as buddies, made me wait a stinging 45 minutes. Darius was pissed with his girlfriend, but we went to eat Tang Yuan. One of my few favorites which i've been yearning to grab a bite on. Zach came close to 5pm, which I stared at him, because it was his idea to swim. After which, we headed for a 2 match DOTA lan gaming. I must say I'm still as good as before, and if only the mouse was better, I could have done something better =X

We headed for Botak Jones and made an impulse decision to catch the movie; Triple Tap. I did not know there was a continuation from Double Tap, but nevertheless we still watched it, leaving me puzzled for the first 45 minutes. We strolled around Jurong Point at 11.20pm, and headed home. We were thinking of making some overseas plans in the month of September October. I believe this group of people will make a good overseas buddy tour as they are very much used to my planning and they also take the initiative to plan and yet be flexible to changes.

In spite of my proactive Sunday, I was asked to plan up a Monday outing; which is today. My friend had a once in a blue moon, off day today which required me to really spend time with him. I guess it was a way of diverging the social bonds and ties so that we can still reconnect with one another. Once again, I find myself back at Jurong Point eating Swensens Lunch 1-for-1. We went LAN again, at SAFRA and headed for "Despicable Me" the movie, which I must say is a lovely show to watch. I totally laughed my top off, seeing how cute those yellow figurines are.

Anyway, I'm heading for Vietnam; Ho Chin Minh City tonight and will be back on Thursday. I'm still thinking whether to shut down or leave it running; preferably I'm thinking to shut down to save on electricity. My cost and cash outflow from July 1st till now is about $150 on outing activities and $200 on making a new pair of glasses. I hope to register my PDL on Thursday and perhaps really start working on my driving in the days to come. I fear my plans for achieving driving may spill over into the new year 2011. Goddamnit.

"It is not what we do, eat or walk that counts, but it is how we capture the moment and make it in a way that it stays memorable for a long time" - frostdude

2010-07-06T09:17:00.000-07:00

I... am so pissed at how Destiny and Fate both have their own plans and sometimes when they don't share it with you, but instead they try to ruin the plans you have set in motion. I will get to this later in this entry.

After Saturday's tour around Bugis, it left me with a small plate of regret because apparently i chose the wrong day to go to Bugis. Yes apparently, although it is always best to go when there's crowd and people around, it is not advisable to shop around Bugis on weekends especially when everybody has the time to shop before watching World Cup at night. Saturday's tour around Bugis was premature because i was in fact trying to avoid the human traffic flows, thus shopping was not all that enjoyable.

After the 3 days of eventful memories, I decided to take shelter to avoid anymore dodging of raindrops. I just feel that getting hit by another major illness will only slow me down to a point in time when i become my weak old self once again. Apparently, my optimistic self misjudged my ability to relief my holiday moods.

It was in advance, that i decided to book for the basic and final theory LESSON for driving in 2 consecutive days. I thought it would not be a big problem because i'm just gonna show face and make my presence known. It was in fact, too rush, so i kind of sacrificed my Sunday and Monday at BBDC. 4 hours per day worth of lessons, just keep nagging away, those teachers were.

On Monday, I went to celebrate Zach's birthday with Darius. We had this prata craving and boy, did we order alot more than usual. Mutton Soup, Egg Prata, RotiJohn, Mutabark Mutton etc! We spoke about the good old days and how we have actually grown up. Well, stories being told over supper always seems to create a greater vibe of friendship and cohesiveness. I've found their company to be once again, revitalized in a sense that there has been many new developments and perhaps i'm beginning to see changes in them; good changes.

Tuesday, today was the start of a period where my plan did not really cover that far. Apparently, my mental planning over made sure that the first 4-5 days after the exams were well covered for and entertainment had been included. Tuesday was the start of a time when I would begin to feel ambiguity in how to spend my time wisely; thus most likely this holiday would go to a waste again.

Tuesday, I stumbled across a sudden impulse decision to adhere to another person's judgmental mental accommodations. I was reluctant as the opposite party was however, not as convincing and reassuring to develop my sense of confidence. Nevertheless, opportunity is an opportunity whether one sees it or not.

All i can summarize this Tuesday was, I had a ball of fun but how it ended was envisioning myself running up and down staircases in search of what they call the lack of Fate and Destiny. That is all a load of bullshit, because it could have been prevented but apparently I over-estimated that person's ability to plan and make judgments in fact, i could have done better myself if that person did not put me in such a bad circumstance. It was a new bang for this half of the year, however, it was not as great as i hoped it would be. Painful as it sounds, i regret not knowing better or having that level of patience.

Lesson learnt; always turn off things which you are not using, to avoid misunderstandings, especially when that particular person tries to communicate with you and perceived that you ditched it.

"No matter how confident or far as we go, we should always have a contingency plan..." - frostdude

A day as a Tourist in Singapore

2010-07-03T10:25:00.000-07:00

Last thursday, 1st July marked another crucial day in this year. Somehow after this very day, exams for me is just a floating avenue for me to express my thoughts and my ability to memorize like a fool.

Well, it seemed like so long since last thursday but it has only been 3 passing days and all in which i managed to successfully get myself caught in the rain, thus feeling very feverish when i get back home. Perhaps, i'm worried about the probability of another 1 weak of lying in... CHOY.

Well, on that very Thursday night, somehow i believe plans do not always go where i want them to. I can't really take the full blame for it because some people are simply not committed to being committed to what they promise and somehow these people take greater priority to those who come in with a so-called emergency; thus they are willing to sacrifice whatever they promise by telling the host that they really have to take a rain-check but little did they know that they bloody screwed up the planning process and the host may have to take some form of emotional responsibility and accountability when others enquire why that particular person is not present.

Somehow, sometimes people do not appreciate my planning and accomodation or perhaps its because it has become a norm that i take the role as the planner that i am undoubtfully supposed to be better than others at it. If you don't start, how can you ever get better at it? And if you do not want to take the trouble to plan and organize, don't grumble about other people's flaws in planning, coz it will not do the organizer any good.

Anyway, Thursday night i spent it in my comfy room. I did up a major sweep of my study from top to bottom, by packing up my handy notes up into thick green files. I believe filing has become an important culture in my study life because somehow there is a recollection process especially when i'm doing modules of the same nature in different terms and different stages of education. Somehow i'm able to leverage on these pre-prepares notes as a form of ease in research.

Friday was indeed a messed up day, because everything seemed to go wrong on that day. It rained terribly and many interferences got in the way; especially when it comes to handphone batteries and all. Even my hand phone was running low and i had to conserve to meet up with Zach. Friday I met up with a long awaited but however-still-lack of-trust friend; GARY. Infer it, don't paste it to me! Anyway, i did not know he was that kind of on-the-ball straight-for-the-purchase vulture kind of purchasing behavior, or else i would have planned a bigger and more safer route of execution.

I met up with him at 1545. He bought his shoe at 1615. The next time to meet was around 1815 with Zach, whom I have alot of history with. I guess things change from time to time. And perhaps, it was time to let go of some hateful baggage which I've been holding on for over a year and a half. As Gary had his purchase too prematurely and happily, we had to figure something out. The rain was pouring and i was in a distress as there was a time gap of 2 hours which we really needed to kill.

Fortunately, this fellow is not as picky and flexible kind of person, thus we decided to take a stroll from AnchorPoint to IKEA and back and fore. We camped back at Mcdonalds again and seriously it was my first time having a Ice-cream Sundae. It was awesome, so much that it tasted better than its cost price of $1.50. Zach came along and we sat for a scrumptious dinner of fish and chips, cheeese cakes, chicken wings and pasta!

Blacked out and was awaken by the Saturday morning thunderstorm! I was frustrated at first because of all the days, it had to rain on the day which i was going to be a tourist at Bugis. Nevertheless, i had to meet my appointment to make specs at 1330. Embraced the rain and tried to dodge the rain drops, however so inevitably failed but it was a way of comforting myself in an effort to not get drenched in the rain for unnecessary reasons unless i'm back in the army which would actually mean i could get a good MC if anything inappropriate were to happen.

Gosh, did you know i rely on my right eye to see? Well apparently, my left eye only increased by 50 whereas my right eye went up by 150. It was a holly load of "CLEAR", "BLURRY", "CANT SEE", "RED", "GREEN" experience for me in that chair for a holly 60 minutes. Well, the price of the specs is indeed brilliantly outrageous but how do you reject someone's pricing if you have been accepting his services for the past 50 over minutes? It came up to $3....8....0.

I left for Bugis at 1410. The weather was impressively taken a turn in a way that it was bright and sunny again, how fascinating. I strolled up and down Sim Lim Square for over an hour or so, before finally picking out the right product. I believe last time when i actually looked for my keyboard purchases, i never really take into an account my typing habits, the positioning of the keys and the functions i really need to pay for. There are some keyboards which are really that awesome but I'm paying like another 10$ more for just a few more functions like key binding, internet browsing keys and what not. I searched high and low for the most appropriate one! And it turned out to be Microsoft. Well, apparently i did not look at the first level Pasa Malam, or else i could have reached my purchasing decision in minutes! The keyboard at the first level was selling at $24.90 without the mouse. The purchase i made was $29.90 with a Microsoft mouse. I guess, i paid $5 bucks for this silly mouse; which in the end i gave it to my mother!

I had some spare time to venture around to look at Netbooks, speakers and basically some peripherals. I believe the sale of calculators is become extinct. I seriously was hoping to get a change of my existing calculator or basically to replace it with a similar model but apparently, these days calculator shops do not really survive and even when i found one shop that did, my model was already obsolete like 10 years ago! So dread! I walked off.

I went down to Bugis street market and boy it was good to check out the finger food. I bought 3kg worth of cranberries back, coz it was so damn sweettt! It would definitely make a good match for my corn flakes. I got myself a few dark colored shirts - say i'm a tourist already. Before i left Bugis, i got myself a box of dohnuts from dohnut factory! It was totally worth the wait even though i'm not a fan of queues butt....

I went back to Clementi and grabbed myself a delightful dinner with Mcdonalds cheesburger filet oh fish, some tang-yuans, popiahs and prata~. What? You can't blame me for trying to recover back my energy from all that walking, coz seriously gosh it has been so long since i actually walked more than 3km.

Ha, that sums up probably the most fruitful and eventful days of this July. After next weak, I'll probably not become so adventurous anymore. :)~

"I believe its me. I am the resistant and I am the cause but it is because of the effects that i am who I am today" - frostdude

2010-06-29T12:33:00.000-07:00

Ok, i've let this stretch over a long week or so. Life for me, has taken a steer down a road where i believe to be another crossroad which actually determines how far i actually penetrate a corporate entity and climb the ladder. The pressure is good but somehow uncertainty still knocks at my doors.... for now.

Anyway, say its because i've not been through the system but seriously local universities are having so much time for extra social activities. Well, in the sense there is all that sort of social gathering, orientation camp and competition and what not? Perhaps, i've not been induced in this local university system before, but seriously?? YES seriously, they have so much time to plan and do these out of the world time consuming stuff, and yet they complain grades are not as good. Or perhaps, i'm simply envious of what they have going on, because in my education route, i din't really have that luxury of engaging in such intensive social events such as clubs, communities, and camps. It was more of a study-only kind of environment for me. Something worth thinking about.

Well, thursday is the last exam paper which i'll ever sit for, so far. The feeling is pretty much brilliant, knowing how much i've journey through in the MDIS system. I'm literally the building blocks of the MDIS education route, right from certificate. You can say i'm the living example of their visual summary of the education route. But nevertheless, i'm definitely not gonna complete their remaining two more building blocks. This is as far as I go... for now.

I guess, these few exams have shown me that learning and experience curve really do exist in our world. I never knew I would have that chance to experience it but apparently the feeling is good. The only success story I would share is, sometimes we should simply do what we are good at, and leave the rest to outsiders. Of course, it is always advisable to start from a new disciplinary but it is better to start fresh than to start at a level which requires the state-of-the-art requirements. If i were to go into engineering, definitely i would see myself at the base of the building blocks once more; certificate. But all these, is just one step too far for me, for now...

My calender or what they might call "time table" has always brought me a sense of direction from time to time. Many people rely on a mental model to keep themselves updated of what is to come and what they might need to do. However, mental model risks a chance of a person's need to procrastinate and mentally tell himself that it can be done on another day. By actually having a proper time table, it serves as a written agreement of oneself to be committed to the time table and provides a proper overview of what is needed to be done in the day to come.

Speaking of my calender, I should be heading down to Bugis during the weekends. With a good cash in hand, I'm just gonna be a tourist and shop around for basically everything and anything which can be possibly unnecessary for me. I've always ogled at Bugis market's finger food but never had a chance to really look up close and try, due to such a busy hectic life of me. I'm gonna just spend like never before and probably enjoy the day away. I guess I'll start with Bugis market, followed by Sim Lim Square and to Paco Bugis to end it off. I guess it is a day where i actually pamper myself for what is worth, thus the need to engage in greater exercise activities this week.

And also another point to note, today I've finally let go of a personal hatred which was going on for about a year and a half. I don't know but sometimes I can't seem to let go of what is apparent to me. I'm used to carry this weight with me so much that forgiving and forgetting are never in my priority list. I guess when we are cornered, we make full use of a bad situation, using what we really got in hand; lemonade. When life gives you lemon, make lemonade.

I've been really tempted these days. Many have asked where am i heading and it seems that i've gone from bad to worse. I'm leaving this paragraph ambiguous for other readers to evaluate but somehow these days i'm chewing more than what i can actaully eat. I've gone across that thin line many times, so much that I begin to wonder if i should have ever done it. Perhaps, many would say curiousity made the cat tempted, but I see it as a breach of personal boundaries and internal coherence. The idea of ethics and grey areas cannot begin to describe the negative explorations which I've been attempting.

Of course, when i really get a new keyboard, you will hear from me much more often. Typing on this new old keyboard, has never been better. In fact, i'm beginning to get used to this keyboard which i shouldn't!! My table is clustered up with 2 keyboards!! The one which i was itchy handedly plugging keys and cleaning and of course this keyboard. I'm using the spoilt keyboard as my media center for mute and volume, super interesting from my perspective!!

I should be doing another mega spring cleaning, seeing that much of this term's study notes were actually based on previous educational level modules in which I've prepared intensively for. these previous educational notes have actually sped up my exam preparation this term, thus the need for lesser note creations. I can foresee my library of files erecting up on the shelves behind me!! I'm also thinking of getting a pet fish? Y/N?

Other than all this, the next lovely post should be about the Bugis day out! It's gonna be fabulous!!! For now, it's 4:00 am and I'm so deadmeat!!

"There are those who run the race, only to find themselves running from the naked eye of time." - frostdude

2010-06-23T10:33:00.000-07:00

Yes to my secret readers, yes again, i am still alive though it has been sometime since i last updated. Apparently, i feel impaired now even when i do the slightest chatting or typing of a sentence. This pain of typing has grown upon me and seriously sometimes it doesnt pay to be clean!

My keyboard gave way on sunday after i did my major spring cleaning. Evidently i found another old new keyboard which somehow does not replace the existing keyboard which i have grown so fond of. I don't really know why this is the case but somehow i love the media keys as well as the broadly spaced out position of the keys and somehow i've grown to like it so much that i've become more efficient on that other keyboard.

Keeping this entry short, i've just cleared two out of five exam papers. Well, the first two were the killer ones because it required alot of intuitive understanding of the subject which somehow i'm not quite familiar with as its my first time learning it. The rest of the other modules, have been something which i've sat for many times, so they do not worry me that much in terms of basic understanding of the overall module.

A dearest friend of mine has ended up in the hospital. I wish her a good get well soon, and hope to see her alive and walking in the days to come. I've been taking up baking lessons on Facebook. How disgraceful but gosh i'm getting hooked back onto Facebook games. I guess Facebook has that tendency to inspire users to be entrepreneurs in their own way by setting up an online business, managing a farm, a bakery and what not? People do not know it yet, but come to think of it, Facebook is promoting entrepreneurship whether you believe it or not.

The rest are just mambo jumbo, which my fingers find it irritating to type of this new keyboard. I hope to get another somewhat similar one in July, but till then, you will see little of me here!

"Bake a memory that sticks forever" - frostdude

2010-06-20T05:21:00.000-07:00

Tomorrow will be another great milestone for me, as i will be sitting for perhaps one of the last few exams of my life. Persistence is key and these days, I've been aware that my productivity has greatly touched the bottom of the Pacific Ocean.

After my beard challenge, it was time to call it quits. It was growing like Osama's and it was getting annoying. I did a little spring cleaning today. Somehow I believe the things which I use, needs a little appreciation sometimes for their durability. I did up a final spring clean after two whole weeks of sweaty endurance.

I just came across that my keyboard was getting a little unhygienic. I flipped open one of the keys and guess what? The dirt was seriously as if it looked like dandruff on a person's head. There was hair everywhere and to make matters worse, i kind of sprayed water of my keyboard. The water soaked up all the dirt and the sight was far worse than you can imagine. My dropped hair due to exam frustrations were soaked up and collected at a location.

If you were me, the sight would have instantly told you to just kill yourself. As i flipped the keyboard over, the color of the water turned to dark brownish as it dripped out of the keyboard. Gosh!! Could i just close 1 eye and forget about this? I grabbed a pair of scissors and manually snapped out each of the keys. It was terrible as the keys flew across the room. The water which settled in between the keys, not to mention dirty water in it, came flicking out onto my chest and face. It was horrible.

I did a major head-to-toe clean up as well. School's about to begin tomorrow and frankly, even guys need to clean up and make up once in a while. I'm talking about the need to tidy up my dressing and those army implementation. My bearings were all messed up. With the beard and all coming along, there was really a need to remove the excessive hairs.

The rest of the day was wasted; for i tried to readjust back to a normal human being's lifestyle and really turn back the hands of time. My head grew enormously painful and i fell into temptation to knock myself out.

July, for me.. I believe i've planned it out quite smoothly, though sometimes the plans do not really fall into place like i want to. I intend to get the fullest out of July, like catch up on old contacts of mine. I don't know, but i think its partially the key to any full blown social circle. The idea behind the social circle is not to try and enhance it all the time but to really appreciate the existing and more will come along. All this time, I always wondered how people have such a kick load of big chucks of friends but it turns out; they are just a synergy of older friends with newer ones.

And somehow, it made me wonder...

"have people moved on with their life or have i moved on from them?" - frostdude

2010-06-17T08:26:00.000-07:00

Somehow, sometimes I feel its the emotional barrier which keeps me out of the loop. It is not something which is a big problem, but it's something which just needs to be addressed on a daily issue which many try to avoid one way or another. I feel sometimes the world is on my shoulder, though my felt significance is under-value and under-appreciated. The world sees a different side of me, from their view of their perception and their past failures.

Such propositions, only cause one the tendency to become what they think i should be instead of what i'm already. A lifetime's worth of retention and reshaping only to get blown away by a major setback. Somehow the only barrier is this setback, and it caused a big chain of reaction which affected the many routes i've taken. Sometimes its just a matter of reshaping a minor tendency but when it grows to become a full-blown child, it takes more than just a day or two to tweak what used to be broken and uncared for.

They say time heals scars and heals the mis-adventures inside of us. Time steers us as we move on, in life. But, what is actually happening is that we are just steering forward with excessive baggage in our hands. And as time grows by, what we are doing is carrying it and just placing it into another dark hole where someday, just someday we will come back to it.

Many times, it is not a choice of whether you come back for it or not. It just emerges out of the blue; though many say an emergent strategy is crucial at this point in time but with such a huge emotional baggage to carry on, how would one properly react well to it?

Today, i was faced with such a situation, where i had to dig up something which i left behind, ages ago. It was not difficult to dig up these essentials but somehow i thought it would be better to leave it behind. Recovering these broken pieces which were shattered during the good old days, was a fruitful look back at how silly and unskilled one can be. I giggled at my incompetencies then, and thought to myself that with a sensitive analysis, what if i could actually have that opportunity to revisit these situations.

Nothing is fool proof, and mistakes are often made. Till today, after a close to 10 years, the feeling of despair still resides in me, though there have been many past successful attempts. Sometimes, one tends to look back at the past, in hopes of changing what he can't while he forgoes his success because they were prematurely achieved, probably because of luck?

A wise one asked me if i could get back into the game. The game is not at all as you think it is. It's simply having another entity to shape your life around. Somehow, as the urges grow, so does the past resistance. That resistance is holding me back from achieving the inevitable. However, i'm simply delaying the process by telling myself that priority holds a different fate for me.

Aside from these, the growing population within my grasp is well, growing. There is a part of me that says opportunity is key. There's another part of me that says you don't want to make the same mistakes again. The problem with mistakes made these days, is we humans blame ourselves for our inadequacies in the lack of proper achievement and utilization of resources.

But somehow, the idea still floats about with the ideology that maybe the fault was not in your hands, but it was simply a big chuck of events that led to this very mistake. Do think about this, a mistake only happens when a series of clouded judgments were made in your presence which had a chain reaction with the other counter-parts lives. In this theory, this is known as the Chaos Theory Effect.

Each individual had their own mistakes to make and they served their role. In all this revelations, somehow you were the better one to reflect upon your mistakes, rather than the other individuals who cared less.

"Reflection is the key; however, one must have the self-awareness to do so." - frostdude

2010-06-16T09:36:00.000-07:00

Today, what is on my mind? Well, Opportunity, is painted all over the walls of my contemporary mind. Many of times, we envy the people around us, just because they have the necessary resources and the capabilities. Many a times, people say opportunity is about luck, opportunity is about a god-sent gift that drops from the very sky and lands on the tip of our toes.

Come to think of it, everyday is an opportunity. Sometimes opportunity can be induced while other times, opportunity simply needs a little nudging for it to follow. Take for instance, some opportunities do arrive after a sequence of unfruitful or acceptable events take its course. Somehow, without these events taking place, the opportunity does not emerge. I believe this is known as the "core ridigities" where many people are or feel that they should keep themselves enclosed in their cage of protection.

Induced opportunity requires a little more touch-up because an opportunity could go sideways if one does not handle them properly. Well, of course in order to induce an opportunity, one must have the right techniques, approach, resources, direction and purpose. The idea today is about being innovative and giving a new vibe. Many induced opportunities these days are simply a copy-cat of the previous opportunity or success by others. One must remember that the market learns as quickly as you; efficient market hypothesis. Given the right application, an induced opportunity would most likely have a great impact and significance and you would have the appropriate controls to make it steer in your favor.

Now now, we have been talking about how to handle different types of opportunity. But how to spot an opportunity? Well, ever heard of the self-fulfilling prophecy? Yes, it might be a cliche but it has proven itself in the latest TV series; Flashforward. Many of times, we rely on day to day activities, in hope of an opportunity coming our way; however human instincts have a way of clouding our judgment from time to time. Take horoscopes for an example, though i'm not a believer, but it's a start for a newbie opportunist.

Horoscopes; though might be a load of random text which are randomly published, it might alert one's self of the daily events. Well, per say, a horoscope that reads "Take care of your peers and families this weakend", would signal a different idea of thinking. I was telling another friend of mine today that entrepreneur does not need to have the professional capabilities, all he needs is the idea; the rest.. can be done by a professional manager; like myself.

Anyway, the whole idea regarding horoscopes, is to alert oneself of the apparent opportunities in the day. Of course, that opportunity must be induced as well. Imagine, if you begin to defy the horoscope by simply standing at home or whatever, it defeats the purpose of an apparent opportunity.

All in all, the process of opportunity requires the idea, the action and the right strategies for implementation.

"An opportunity, never knocks twice on one's doors" - frostdude

2010-06-15T03:03:00.000-07:00

I've just applied for this :)

We are looking for bloggers!‏

From:	MDIS (joey_w...mdis....sg)
	You may not know this sender.Mark as safe\|Mark as junk
Sent:	15 June 2010 17: 35PM
To:	ffro....

MDIS is looking for students who blog frequently. If you or your friend is an avid blogger, we would like to have a look at your blog. Submit the url of your nominated blog to joey....

frostdude

2010-06-14T23:50:00.000-07:00

The only problem about being lost is.. being found. Somehow, the feeling of being lost in transition, shows an individual the two sides of a coin. The merits of looking from the heads and the demerits from the tails; only tells one how much he will forgo in this moment as he looks away. The only problem when you look away is, sometimes you just don't see it for yourself that somethings; could have been you. My first walk away was near the water fountain in from of clementi; which is now under renovation. At that moment, i wasn't thinking straight, and given another chance, it would have been another moment where i will hesitate.

The feeling of being lost is somehow everyday you feel a side of yourself; as empty as a cookie jar. You try to cover and fill it with a sensation of despair so as to make yourself feel a little better to live on like any other day. I see myself and reflect sometimes and i guess the things i do, they are just to minimize the disappointments i faced in life. Disappointments with myself, my environment, my situation and my circle.

Sometimes being lost for too long, and you will find yourself having that resistance to be found at the end. You've become so broken that after being found, you might make it broken again. And believe me, picking up the pieces can be a difficult task especially when you have to glue your life back together and pretend the pieces really stick to one another. The past is the past, but the stain is there and will always leave a scar, a memory which cannot be replaced that easily.

Sometimes, i admit, a player can get too engrossed in his grand strategy that he eventually begins to wonder if he is ever playing himself too in this game. I can only describe this as a self-fulfiling prophecy to make oneself experience something which he could have avoided entirely.

These few months have made me realized that sometimes things can backfire, people can remotely create mental mines which can cause a mega outburst. And being lost, has never been any more difficult. It has become a norm and probably it's a my way of punishing oneself that sometimes we get what we give.

"A player begins to wonder if he's playing with himself" - frostdude

2010-06-09T12:15:00.000-07:00

Wow, it's been long since i actually wrote something. It's been quite sometime since i actually did think about anything else. Just being trapped in this invisible prison has made me so blinded by the daily truths that lie in wait for my acceptance. Perhaps, no one can really say that are as satisfied as they are with their particular life. The lack of satisfaction with a particular ideology makes people strive for that little bit more in life.

I, for one, am not satisfied at all. With all the major changes going on, life sucks as it is. The worse part is being happy that i'm unsatisfied. The part where i tell the world how glad and satisfied shows that i'm as hypocrite as you are. The world is not brilliant and i'm not as perfect, but sometimes when you don't get what you want in life, you tend to grow a beard and tell your folks, screw this!

The last weak or so, i made a challenge to myself. How long i can keep this beard of mine. It lasted for about 1 weak and 2 days before i grew tiresome of it. It was simply a goal or perhaps a challenge to see how long my persistence to hold on to something which i set my mind to it. I could easily carried on with this idea but it turns out; there was nothing much more than just a short term phase which i was just putting myself through, once again.

I don't know what to blog but i just want to set my mind to something and get myself reflecting on the passing days. I feel that lately, trust has also become an issue. I don't know what is trust anymore because sometimes trust has a way of double-trusting especially when three parties are in such a trusting mode that they trust each other not to tell one another that they are in another trust situation. It is kind of irritating to say but, how much do i know about trust after all? I'm one of those guilty people who trust people too much to trust their trust.

I've noticed that many people these days have the tendency to plant remote cognitive time bombs in our minds. I think its the latest generation trend that people use to get what they want in life. Well, instead of a major confrontation where many who is not good at speech and emotions lose, many have resorted in the use of cognitive mind bombs. I believe its a tactic of guerrilla warfare and sometimes i believe this is the most effective way of getting things done. I believe i just got planted by someone just tonight. And some way some how, it annoys me that something is ticking away but....

The world i look outside my window is so static. In its every passing moment everyday, the sight remains the same, the world carries and lives on without my presence as i embed myself in the walls of this prison. I'm dying to get out of it but somehow i feel that if i leave these prison walls, the effects of something bad happening would be drastically high. That evil inside of me, has to be restrained and so, a part of me tells me that its okie to be in this situation, well at least there's one less monster for the world to deal with.

The headaches are unbearable and the sleepMORE moments are increasing. It shows a sign of poor efficiency but even a management person like myself would tell that some goals must be met regardless of how much need to have a shut eye. I keep having flashforwards of myself in the future, perhaps due to the extreme pressure i'm going through. And i'm not even near PHD, i'm already getting a head damage.

i believe this weak is the weak which i ever make a difference in life; be it efficient or not, things still need to be done and unfinished business will still come back to haunt me someday; and that day is sooner than i know it. The craving for new excitement awaits at my door; but somehow these chains hold me down and keep me at bay.

"I feel, sometimes... I'm not satisfied." - frostdude

2010-06-04T23:49:00.000-07:00

Hmm, everyone has a story to tell at one point in their life. Today, i'm leaving that story to another better day where words are harder to speak than usual and emotions are as blunt as the ruler and expressions are merely a cognitive notion which involuntarily put out to show the world how strong we are.

Lately, after that recent entry of mine, things have slowed down in terms of distance, realism, feelings, a sense of touch and another moment of solitude. Somehow, something has put out the flame inside of me. My attempts to make ends meet have never been better. Why do i bother to make north meet the south, or west meets the east for that matter? That, i just don't get myself sometimes, and everyday i open those tiresome eyes and begged that the day would give me a break for once and perhaps throw the ball in my court. Nevertheless, reality has a pain forsaken way of telling you that the worse has yet to come.

I've been poking into the past, for some reason. Many of us, have a problem moving forward and its not because we don't want to but it's because we can't. We have no visible future to look forward to but only another day of painful memories. We try to walk into the past and perhaps try to tweak things but there are 101 scenarios of me in this reality which have gone back many times. However, the future is what we make and how we deal with situational uncertainties. I have a problem comprehending that at times, i make the wrong decisions because i want to make them, even though i know what's right for me and for the situation. The best part of all, is that sometimes these wrong decisions lead to right situations which could not have happened if i had acted appropriately; because sometimes the truth has a way of playing the role of an angel.

I had a weaks worth without a mother. She went overseas and the family was stuck on a ONLY-BOYS cult. It was fun at first but the grocery shopping was just simply not-a-man's job. Take the wrapping of the vegetables for an example. I had to dig my hands into that pile of dirty vegetables and then i pondered; how was i suppose to choose? What criteria? Then came the picking of the fishes, like hell all of them looked at me with their eyes wide open, asking me to pick them because they are simply delicious. Like hell, stop staring at me, i won't buy you :) I saw this huge $160 crab, i so want that for my pet.

But i must say everybody in the family had their fair share of getting away from the lady of the family. She nags alot and makes alot of unnecessary noises. For one, the house phone was much quieter, somehow old ladies have more friends than young dudes like me. The phone keeps buzzing and buzzing and not to mention an old lady's ringtone. How retro for her age but irritating and it is worse than my alarm clock ringtone.

Lastly, to end this entry, i would perhaps like to talk about pen refills. Why do we buy pen refills? Many say a pen is more than enough to get through the days, just as long as you take good care of it. But, somehow life for me has become more than just acquiring a pen to write, but to also secure pen refills as means of 'provision of bad debts'. There's a thin line between a pen and "a-pen-with-many-refills". The rest, remains too obvious to write about, so i'm gonna leave this as open-ended as it should.

"You can be whoever you want to be, just as long as you remember who you really are". - frostdude

2010-06-02T02:54:00.000-07:00

I brought myself to smile at the world's happiness. Well, no one gets everything in life. This is what we learn by opportunity cost. And we sacrifice things because some others should get it, probably for all the right reasons. And we are just better of without them, because somewhere, someone is getting it harder than what you or I am going through.

I believe when i let go, there's a reason that perhaps someone will receive the better of what i've released from my hands. What i forego is not an opportunity, but more of a gift back to the society. I've changed this thread of negative regrets into what i call "a leap of faith". From an entrepreneurial point of view, that's bull shit but why would i take something that is not mine? I looked back at many past instances, which today these instances have grown in such an amazing way, that i would simply smile and shake the hands of a worthy opponent.

There was no point competing because; if i did, it would become a hypercompetition condition in which no one would gain in the end. And the worse part, the suffering would suffer more than the overall gain which i would ever reap from this venture. I won't say leave it to fate to decide the routes we take but i'm saying; think thrice before acting, because sometimes it pays not to be as selfish as what our parents have brought us up to become.

But instead, we should take on a role which allows us to be free of our doubts and crude thoughts and for once be what God made us to be; a simple human being. These complications that we inflict on our lives, they are only a part and parcel of a game-theory which should not exist in the first place. We made such complications to shield ourselves from the simplicity; simplicity of being too ourselves in a way that we hide our identities, we hide our opinions, we put on a false front just so that people would gently accept us into their lives as a fellow "friend".

The only thing i would say is, be happy for the things you have gotten and be glad that things have been lost; for it was a simple tradeoff which many have to make in order to keep the balance of proportional greed and gluttony. We were not made this way; to be as complex and unforgiving. Thus, i would be happy to see more happiness in my life; because it would show that there is some hope that one day happiness would knock on my front door and seek my permission for entry.

But until then.. it is worth giving, even if i would obtain the countless loss and despair along the way.

"The first one, is the worst one" - frostdude

2010-05-31T02:56:00.000-07:00

Hmm, I feel sometimes im not an opportunist, but sometimes when i want to be, i'm unable to. Sometimes when i'm able to, i don't feel like it. Sometimes when i have to, i just pile myself up with other unnecessary to keep me busy and going till the time when the need to is being suppressed. But most of all, when its time to take on the opportunity, i would just close my eyes and pretend it's a risky decision and somehow someway i live to regret it only at the end of the day.

but somehow, i can never bring myself to believe that one day something would drop right from the sky. They say you have to earn it to have it. And somehow relying on a premature attempt to make things right, doesnt seem to go my way.. or perhaps any other people's way. It doesnt work that way, that's why i'm not cut out for it. What is so wrong about envy; you envy the things you don't have which others have but when it comes to owning it; it takes more than just a simple envious to make things work out as well as it should.

I'm not happy, not even a little bit. They say we should be happy for people's fortune and wish the best to come. The worse part is just standing behind the curtains and watching the whole show go on. This has been the case for such a long time now. Perhaps, the man behind the scene does not get much credit as the actors playing the role in the scene.

I fail to make myself in a way that i could look back and see that everything was worth the while. The whole routine maze routing has only made me re-enter the same route in search of something which was not there at all. The smell of the cheese is so alluring but; it is just a mere tease. Instead of finding cheese, rats should learn to make them!

I won't bury myself in this whole chuck of distress because it will not get me anywhere, and after i click this "PUBLISH POST"; i'll just live on another bit of this existence, with another regret on my checklist. It was not for me to say or push for success cos we all know that wine doesnt taste as good as it is, when it is freshly opened. The role that i play; is a role which i've always decided to play; be the good to accompany the good in the battle for justice and evil. But the reward, many say, should come as a bonus rather than an incentive or an achievement.

That, for me, i can't do it; so that is why.. i've failed in this battle. It is only best that i return to the role of a "complete observer", for then the impact which i've always receive would be greatly reduced in a way that it would be acceptable to live with.

Absolute Dilemma.

" But then they say, High-Risk-High-Return or No-Pain-No-Gain " - frostdude

2010-05-30T07:33:00.000-07:00

Phew, over the last weak or so, it has been real crazy. I mean literally the load is just intensifying. I guess I have not been so stressed for so long. And when you're stressed, hmm you tend to regularly do a certain stuff more often than you used to before.

Well, i guess one of the most challenging thing was to actually do "last minute work". I mean i have never been a fond of last minute work though many argue that during such moments, it is believed that many generate the best innovative ideas around. The best part of all, i made it happen, even during these stressful times. I guess i relied on the biggest hope of them all; the ability to do rather than think about doing.

One of the painful yet most memorable experience is how i managed to slave myself throughout the wee hours, juz thinking of a solution. Many say the architecture of a grand plan does not come just that easily. It took me so long to frame up the most appropriate approach. I had to reconstruct my sentences as many times and the part where i needed to reduce to the word limit was simply a greater pain.

But after evyerthing, the assignments got signed and sealed just waiting to be delivered tml. There's this sense of great achievement, though somehow i feel it is not the end yet. I was looking forward to tml for many other reasons, just that somebody is gonna DUA ME TML!! damnzz.. what a way to end the month hehehe.

Yes, you will expect me to blog more regularly from now on. I believe the stress is growing on me like a uncaring bacteria. I guess its time to exercise greater need to self relief techniques.

"A sense of pride in everything you do" - frostdude

2010-05-26T04:11:00.000-07:00

This month has been this year's most spectacular month..ever! thanks :)

2010-05-23T21:04:00.000-07:00

A day when i'm not holding a pen and my head is hurting me due to the massive overload of output of information but when I decided to take up my pen, i'm suffering from a big dilemma, and all the words which i wanted to write, just simply disappears into thin air.

The Truth Makes a Better Man v3.8

2010-05-20T09:28:00.000-07:00

The Truth Makes a Better Man v3.8

2010-05-20T09:23:00.000-07:00

Dexter has passed his Final Computerized Driving Theory Test !!

In chronological order...

3 failed evaluations...
registered for 1 practice session
passed evaluation
registered for 1 practice session
passed final theory test within 10 minutes. (first to walk out!! achievement!!! *naive*)

...guess what? now have to attend basic and final theory LESSON. apparently this is the irony. figure it out.

"It flashed before my eyes, PASSED" - frostdude

another milestone

2010-05-19T01:29:00.000-07:00

This would probably be one of the last few entries of this month; other entries blogged on this month would be rather rushy and predetermined or randomness. I believe after today, there will be some big events approaching my way.

After today, apparently i will be wrecking my brains once again to attempt to complete 2 more projects coming my way. I guess its not the subject matter which i am worried about but more of the deadline of submission which is estimated to be at the end of this month. I'm an incubator who seeks to let an idea or innovation takes its hibernation until a point in time when it just bursts and resulting in a great successful attempt. I never believe in last minute preparation nor the fact that many believe that last minute work drives the need for completion and thus people say "they can work better that way". That's just a legal excuse to say "I'm not lazy".

Today also marks another great day in this year. Well, despite the minor setbacks received from the common test marks, i do not feel the need to brood over it. Today was a big spark in my total equity mood. Today i feel revived and drawn towards another common objective. Today i picked up this energy ring which has allowed me to spur ahead like Sonic The Hedgehog.

Today was the release of my previous exam results. My heart pounded like a pro chef on the chopping board. It was ready to pop out of my chest and may even decide to run away from me. This is probably due to the fact that my post man is efficient and he always comes near lunch time. The results were released near the post lunch time, thus i did not get mine yesterday whereas others got theirs! My heart was pounding away like as if I've ran 5km. It was like this for about 24 hours. The torture was intense and my inner feeling got so immense. I believed i've gotten ahead of myself, as always. The results were great. I smiled widely after tearing the letter open.

This generated alot of destructive energy to get alot of work done. I did up a major spring cleaning of my room. My new floor fan which is about 3 months ago was apparently collecting loads of dust. I of course showed my wife some care and concern. I cleaned her up for good. She's been with me all these time; through my anger, dismay, distrust, hurt, disappointment, excitement, highness and other needs. I cleared up my trash and tidied the stack of notes.

Pumped up; and almost ready to go. I just need a brilliant slumber to kick away the stress which i generated this weak.

"This journey never ends until i hit the floor, till then even if i have to crawl, i will finish this" - frostdude

2010-05-16T06:23:00.001-07:00

Boy, am i glad that my daily routines have at least reached a point of equilibrium. The last 3 weaks were... how you would say; different because recovery is never easy and perhaps there was a pretty much lost in transition. Thankfully, i was found and led out by the light of realization. In every evil story, darkness plays the role of conceiving and deceiving the truthful outcomes of reality. I believe, this time round, i was more than fooled; i was toyed, trashed, insulted, confused and reluctantly committed.

The journey had its part to play in the grand design. The part where the curtains fell and the audience were amazed only showed that people only see what they want to see in everything they see. I do try my best to avoid such stereotyping but ultimately we are still human after all and once again, mistakes have to be made in order to learn from them. I guess this is similar to the saying where "Give a man a fishing rod and he will learn to fish and survive". It takes one to make a mistake before one actually learns. Thus, we can say that learning involves making mistakes rather than observing through the naked eyes or explaining through the tainted mouth.

Many have made me reflect on this journey or experimentation which I've been figuring out. I guess it was good to talk it out though i had already evaluated it myself. The only problem of my evaluation was that i was simply too stubborn and clouded to see the hard facts laid out on the table. The wind was persuasive but i just didn't feel that urge.

Today, i had a go at my old habits; as they often simply can't die that easily. It was good to indulge in the relatively classic Galaxynet server. I know, it may sound rather off about me but i thought it would helped in the process of picking up the shoes and putting them nicely; where they used to belong. I guess it acts as my safe haven to fall back on when the skies are grey and it's time for rain.

These last few days of self-declared holiday have made me realize that there are beyond what i see at the skyline. This simple Iceberg Principle has caused Titanic, a milestone in history and it has also made me realize that sometimes people can be as naive as they want to be even if they believe that it is not in their nature of maturity.

And accompanying this whole experience, comes another proven belief that no one is an island and there is always a need for contingency plans along the way. So this is the part where i actually credit myself for a job well done even if it means that the above paragraphs were about my recent failure or disapproval.

"The way in, is also the way out; the exit sign" - frostdude

2010-05-14T09:12:00.000-07:00

And today, i've decided that the-step-forward was just too much. I could have handled it but somehow i'm not mature enough, to handle it as professionally as others do. Apparently, it is one of those phases in which i start to feel like a human being for once. I believe this experience has greatly influenced how i perceive things and i guess that the next "best thing" that comes my way will receive my full potential.

Time and time again, i find myself storing up a certain kind of potential energy as a form that would bring that "shine" to a person. And over a period of time, this shine doesnt seem to shine as bright as it could be. Am i getting too tired of this which has dawned upon me? Sometimes i believe i need that rest, but sometimes i think i'm just simply putting too much energy into something which provides a negative reinforcement and feedback.

At many times, days seem too normal while nights seem too quiet. Although this is of great order of enjoyment, i tend to find myself walking into the a dark tunnel of disturbing echos. The memories of the past remind that my actions can be as flawed as it could be and at times God's judgment reflects what destiny has installed for me.

One way or another, the ending is inevitable and unpreventive. The kick-back and watch the show attitude always kicks in and i find myself staring back at the starting line while putting the puzzles back into place. What are these puzzles? The puzzles of my heart.

"It was best left unsaid, but i spoke and it's too late." - frostdude

2010-05-12T04:11:00.000-07:00

It's been awhile. It's been awhile since i actually opened my doors. I know there has been a "Do Not Disturb" sign hanging on the door nob. These past few months have made me realized that it is not as bad as I thought it would be. I mean, though the existing situation is not as pleasant, I would say the lessons and experiences that i bring back with me are simply astonishing.

Maybe I have not really gotten into it but the feeling is good, so thats probably why many have looked upon it and decided to accept it. All this time, i have always found myself to be a little on the safety risk side and you know, just trying to cover up my tracks. But just these few months, have made me realize how insightful this experience is.

This year has become so complicated. In 2008 to 2009, i would have that opportunity to tell you that life is as simple as it could ever be. It would be clear cut but nevertheless boring in nature. I found those days to be of great meditation. Whereas in 2010, I had hit a very deliberate turn in life where somehow the wind is blowing in the right direction, and with my calculated decisions, the only problems are simply... inevitable problems.

This all sounds so vague in nature but on the other hand, think of it as a reflection of oneself. How can one reflect clearly on what he has done; when truly the things that were done have already been done and it was in the right intention and frame of mind. This first half of the year has indeed made several milestones in my living life and i believe its because of these milestones that make life worth living for.

"A life worth living for; is waking up and making a difference in life." - frostdude

2010-05-08T02:24:00.001-07:00

Wah, I made it this far without updating the blog, how interesting. Over the last few days, it has been a drag.

The Managing Innovation & Change (MIC) presentation was awesome. I couldn't put it anyway better. It is probably the fact that my friend and I consolidated the report together and we actually got to see the end product. I got more in depth because I had to gather nice pictures for the decoration of the project.

However, there are 2 irony which surfaced in this whole assignment. Ha, at first, we did not have any references to start with, and it was me who created these credible references. We got penalized for lack of referencing... for pictures. What in the world?? The 2nd irony is rather interesting. A certain particular who has such a strong ability and experience was unable to deliver a simple proper outline, and screws up the entire thing but then again, people are still taking advices from this fellow. What's the deal man?

Friday was a big day for me, though it seems unlikely for others. I spent like 4 hours at the driving centre. Apparently, my beliefs outwit my skills. They tested me with weird theory questions which the army left out. I had to do it over and over again. I passed on the 4th attempt of the final theory EVALUATION. The final test is in two weaks time and somehow the temporary memory has failed me and i think i might even consider getting another few more practice sessions before the real test. Grr!!

After which, I met up with my great buddies on Friday. Each of them had a story to tell and surprisingly they greeted me as "boss". I giggled that it might not mean anything more than just a greeting, but the feeling felt good. I don't know, this might all sound so naive but sometimes it feels good to get an intrinsic return for a good deed done. I'm always an organizer of something but somehow as time goes by, i lose that motivation to bring people together. Its like the appreciation level simply falls. But this group of friends.. they are different.

Today, saturday has been a rather carefree day. I sat off for the series finale of Lost and cleared up some of my Vampire Diaries episodes. It felt like i had nothing else in the world to worry about. It felt like i had all the time in the world. I guess this is a good sign to relief myself of all the tension and stress that i've been feeling all these months. But come on, you can't say its unfair, because whatever that you are feeling now, i've felt it one way or another, more times.

You can say this is one of the entry which has a straightforward reading sense. Like i said, these 3 days have been a big drag and very eventful moment. As for romance wise, i think i'm kicking back a little. The only time when i decided to confess, it didn't turn out the way it should. Totally side-tracked.

"Light up your life, and people will walk to your light" - frostdude

when it goes sideways

2010-05-05T01:38:00.000-07:00

Life is about ambiguity especially times when it cannot be expressed in words. It becomes complicated. But is complication wrong, a sin, a mistake or a negative perception? Working with complication and ambiguity are not easy tasks to do but was there a need to purify the air?

My question still stands and these whole happening has gotten me off the ground. I would say I did an honest mistake trying to clear the sky and its clouds. Like they say, a person's enlightenment is another's distress. It was the only time when i decided to show hand and the butcher chopped the heart into pieces. I guess things do not always look the way you want it to; even if it meant taking the first step forward. But I'm glad i did.

But to be selfless, i would say "for the best".

"It's for the best, that it was for the better and for the worse" - frostdude

10 Interesting Happenings in April

2010-05-04T04:32:00.000-07:00

1. Heartbeat damn fast the entire day; drunk too much green tea? Even when I was lying in bed. What the hell?

2. Saw two guys exchanging name cards the wrong way; anyhow give only. Card was not well-placed and not in sight of the other party. Card was taken and straight away kept in the pocket without even looking at it. Rules of name card giving needs to be revisited again.

3. Saw an adult trying to talk to a baby in an babyish alien language @ Crystal Jade, you should have seen his eyes as big as a goldfish. "NAO NAO, WOS YUR DAADDII??"

4. Paid for a colored print out of $1.40 per piece. LIKE WTF! he pressed PRINT, then told me the price.

5. [Codified] Though its a grp work, they machiam bo zhuo gan at all, then still kpkb for a copy. Simi buay paiseh, be gao xing that ni de ming zhi zai li mian.. kns still KP?

6. It was early in the morning, i have not spoken to anyone. How would i know my vocals would be so good? When i went to submit my project to Yvonne, at the student service counter, she greeted me, i smiled. I took the submit-project confirmation slip and walked to the corner to fill it up. When i came back to greet her again, i did a big "HI" unknowningly.. how embarrassing.

7. Decided to ignore the direct bus when it arrived, and I boarded the indirect bus; home. Spell it out; [E]motionally [M]andatory [O]bviation.

8. In an effort to save the endangered environment that we live in, I, d3xter fed my 1 year old printer with a crampled paper. It failed to entirely suck the paper in and the printer got jammed. Subsequently to my curiousity, i decided to use a perfectly new piece of paper, and it got jammed and thus becoming another crampled paper. Now, i have two crampled paper and a spoilt printer; which i was going to throw away and buy another new 1 but my mother insisted to fix it for $50. And now it is fixed.

9. As you guys might/might not* (CANCEL IF APPLICABLE) be aware that i have this anal fissure issue going on, thus there's always a need to use an anal ointment. One day, an unfortunately incident took place which required me to use this ointment. I squeezed a bit of it onto the toilet paper and left the ointment tube near the toothpastes area. After applying, due to its heated sensational feeling, i threw the sheet into the bowl and ran out of the toilet. My brother came home. We share the same toilet and toothpaste. Time flew by. It was the next day. I woke up, wanting to brush my teeth. I stared at the toothpaste area in shock; only to see the tube embedded among the toothpaste. Which to pick? What the hell?

10. Put just to make it countdown to 10!

"Carelessly in a world of honest mistakes" - frostdude

2010-05-01T09:30:00.000-07:00

2010-04-30T21:16:00.000-07:00

Recently, I'm trying to appreciate the simplest things in life.

Even music has gotten a little change in flavor as I venture into a little R&B + Hiphop music genre. I used to hate those rapping R&B as its rather tiring and irritating. Somehow it spoils the line of thought when i'm listening to it. I guess one exclusion is Timbaland. His music has a mix of R&B, POP, HIPHOP and abit of emo; if you listen to the right songs.

The burning fire which was aroused, has not been put out..again. Once again, I'm lost the flame that would carry my journey forward. Perhaps, I'm getting tired or restless in a way that i watch as time pass me by. I shake my legs and hope that this fire would come back; but it has not been happening lately. Perhaps, there's something missing..

"If we ever trust again" - frostdude

Reflection till April so far.

2010-04-30T00:08:00.001-07:00

Before this month comes to an end, I think i should add another post for the sake of adding another post to the April Archive. This month, April has been the toughest and one of the challenging moments of the year. After this whole big fever recovery state, it takes quite some time to really pick up the stick and continue the run.

April was also a month of many crossroads and a variation of different choices to make. I would say im not as wise as i was in the Army. I believe the people there are pretty rational creatures and they only thrive on simple facts such as rest time and motivation. In the outside world, things can go side-ways or even down the drain. It's no longer as simple as it should be. And in this month, i learnt this the hard way.

In this month of April, there were significant changes in the proportion of my lifestyle. I finally managed to move away from the ugly things in life and the many possibilities of addiction to a certain short-lived leisure; Facebook.

In this particular month, i also woke up from another living nightmare. This nightmare lives on when i'm awake, walking along the streets. I believe its the digging up of the old cardboard boxes which contains many issues of the past. Somehow, these artifacts really do have sentimental value after sometime. The only thing i really failed to do was to confront these memories and leave them as uncared artifacts.

April was a painful journey, and its ending is closer than i know it. In another few more months, i think i would not be able to see myself as a student anymore; but in fact a pure economic knowledge worker. And April has made me realized that, things are bigger than me; and it is through laying the facts out that will eventually improve my overall self.

The month of May is gonna be quite academic in nature, as there is gonna be alot of memory testing and simply loads to worry about. I worry myself sometimes. May poses as another typical challenge of stressing the mind and another moment of endurance. Perhaps in the month of May, i would have to close my eyes and put one leg forward.

I believe life is about "putting one-leg forward". I guess we all feel that risk taking and future planning have their pitfalls. I, for one had this feeling but it is essential as these agencies force you to commit. And this shall be done. In the month of May, i will entrust myself that it is okie to have a bit of commitment at certain special areas in my life; and i hope this would cultivate a better habit to how i see the fundamentals.

"April has made me see that perseverance and networking have their contributing benefits and factors" - frostdude

2010-04-27T09:42:00.000-07:00

Ah, there are times when you look beyond the horizon and just simply tell yourself that you won't make it through such a tough time. But it always turns out that, time slips off your fingers and in a blink of an eye, you've reached your destination.

I remember telling myself how tough it was getting through a week's worth living in the vegetation with no proper food, no baths for 6 days and simply layers and layers of built up sweat. It rained non-stop and everybody's mood was silly crazy like as if given live-bullets, we would take the commanders hostage and demand for a decent standard of living.

I remember telling myself how difficult it was just thinking about a month's worth living in Taiwan, and getting through the whole overseas exercise. It was tough because the company was not as pleasant as I thought. The weather was insanely varying and sleep was not all that great, seeing how eeky the beds are in those bunkers.

I remember telling myself how impossible it would be to leave the army. It would seem forever like 4-5 months and all the bad things started to submerge. It was frustrating but essential, as a way of doing my country the services in which i needed to provide.

I remember telling myself a few months back, it would be hard to overcome the challenges faced in this SBE group. I would say my leadership styles have taken a big improvement. I guess its about putting the management practices to work, rather than just studying them as theories. And everyday is like a trial and error, to understand how these practices work.

I couldn't believe we made it through this hard time. And only a few of my dedicated group members would clearly understand the definition of a stressful project time. It totally was worth it after all, even though it landed me in feverish moments for 4 days. The work was not tiring. It was the management of the team which was the most crucial, because i hate to bring people together only to see them sitting at different corners of the room. How efficient and effective would that be compared to just staying at home?

I've been on with Splinter Cell; Conviction. It was so wonderful, especially the Coop. I managed to spend some quality time with my bro, on the xbox controller. I guess, this is probably the only weak i've got for anyone, anybody or anything. My brother's starting work again at the end of this month and i guess it will be sometime before his next annual leave arrives.

"Embracing the toughest moments is the greatest way for self-improvement
" - frostdude

Case Study: Tony, Kasumi and a maggot

2010-04-25T10:54:00.000-07:00

This is a story about Tony, a young make believe who has not simply given a thought about the environment and his surroundings. This incident took place not long ago when Tony decided that popularity is only essential, given the right attributes of a person. These attributes would contain more than just looks, brains, strength, but in fact, it would basically mean a combination of all of these; even when it comes to being a team player.

Tony has always been that playful somebody who tries to get more out of his pets; especially the female ones. He loves the sight of cats and they always seem so adorable and easily teased with a stick. It was not cruelty, but a mere playfulness; just to get closed to these kitties. One of which was his favorite and he would spend ample time trying to nurture and cultivate that sense of self belonging. This kitty's name is Kasumi.

Tony and Kasumi have always been a pair. Well, in many eyes, Tony kept Kasumi like a full-blown investment where he would play with her everyday, given the most silent opportunity. What's tiring is that when people stand outside the pet shop, they do not see that Kasumi has already been owned or taken care by someone; Tony. They see Kasumi as an "open market" for entry. Tony was fine that many looked upon Kasumi as an eye candy. It was all pleasant, as he knows where his heart lies and he would play with the stick which Kasumi loves.

Nevertheless, there are always people whom seek to pursue their level of envy as a form of challenge or intervention. One of such persistent commoner goes by the name of Maggot. Maggot plays an eye role; as he feels that eye power has greater value than physical contact. Many say Maggot is profoundly adequate as he possesses capabilities such as caring, adorable and fun-loving. Kasumi would look upon the glass window whenever Maggot visits the pet shop. It was like an "aww.." to see such happening.

Maggot grew fond of Kasumi as Kasumi had many several false make-believes which Maggot is so silly to take to heart. Tony was aware but he felt what could a maggot like Maggot do? Being a maggot, Maggot continued to play the role of a satallite, simply drifting in space while observing the sights and sounds. He was incompetent and incapable? That is the question left unsaid. Nevertheless, the role in which Maggot played was only known to Kasumi whereas Tony was not kept informed.

As time grew by, Tony had decided that Kasumi would deserve more than playing with a stick as a form of entertainment. He grew tired of his boundaries and could not bear it any longer. Like all acid and alkali, limus paper had to be used from time to time to avoid bearing any unforeseen consequences.

However, during these TEST, Tony and Kasumi were quite immersed in their enjoyment session. Little did Tony know that he was being watched by a satallite. Who knew that could happen? And many who knew, would probably just let the news float them by. Maggot, being a satallite, would record such events in its mind, and hope one day to contemplate a certain genius masterplan to overthrow Tony.

It was not soon that the maggot had finally crawled to the center stage. Maggot made its entry by an abrupt stall-sign. He drafted a contractual pre-sale warning, telling all customers that he was about to purchase Kasumi. Maggot further warned that all further customer-bookings of Kasumi were out of bound. Tony was shocked! He did not know that maggots were capable of such temporary brilliance of sillyness.

When Tony confronted the maggot in the iron-man suit, the maggot spoke of words of distress. As you know, a satallite doesn't transmit well, due to poor WIFI connections. Tony had a hard time receiving. Maggot threatened Tony that if any further actions were done, there will be repurcussions. Tony was at first afraid, knowing how confident and brave a maggot can be.

He told Tony that Kasumi was actually in, in this whole pre-sale warning as well. Maggot told Tony that they were trying to cover up for a big conspiracy through implementing a "scape-ghost" which many believe to be true; indeed, gullible of them. The scape-ghost would contain a brief newbie outline of what was going on that the Maggot had purchased another pet or a separate entity altogether. This all sounds so Prison Break, but it should be the way. Tony was taken-aback by such news; because he knew Kasumi would not have easily taken this into consideration; given the many limitations of a maggot.

Before sales confrontation ended, the maggot whispered to Tony that this would be enclaved around the confidentality agreement and could not be leaked out to Kasumi. But, it was already too late.. Tony had desperately seeked out Kasumi's opinion.

Kasumi denied the above 3 paragraphs. It was insanity, she said. Kasumi was aware of many things but to the capabilities of a maggot; she was as surprised as Tony was. Tony began to explain the fundamentals of the masterplan and she grew suspicious and afraid. In fact, it was totally too much for her that she could not hold it in. Even after the scouts-honor, she leaked the news out to a particular individual. Nevertheless, it was expected; though weird?*UNEXPLAINED.

As Kasumi grew wary of the maggots grand scheme, she could not bear to step aside though she was not ready to wave her white flag yet. Tony told Kasumi to hold it in a little longer, for her temptation to spark a conflict would endanger the entire pet shop. The maggot did not know of such stories being told to Kasumi, it was still living in a world of fantasy and happy endings; even Jack fell down from the beanstalk!

That very day, Kasumi grew thorns that would effectively create a perimeter of defence that would literally stop any creature from its approach. Maggot, being a maggot, crawled up and got itself pierced! Tony was still in deep thoughts about the entire pre-sale thing as new stories rose from the depths.

Kasumi was reluctant to release such confidential information, as she still has a certain distrust for Tony even after so long. This still remains unspoken till today. Tony decided to take a number and await the release of Kasumi from her cage by the pet owners. He grew wary that the room temperature would catch up to his normal body temperature, but he continued his undying holding of his deep wait. Kasumi delayed and delayed. As the heat rose, Tony felt uneasy that a certain plan was about to play itself.

Tony visited the pet shop. To his surprise, Kasumi was already released and still idling around. He was furious because Kasumi made him wait. He fled the scene with anger and distrust. From a far, he spotted a satallite which looked like a maggot, floating by a lower platform, while eyeing at a particular location. Tony activated his iron-man suit in stealth mode and flew closer to take a look. And true enough, he caught a maggot. What a psychotic stalker, indeed. Now, iron-man really felt misused, seeing Kasumi had two-time the situation intentionally/unintentionally?

--- T B A ---

Question 1: Evaluate the characteristics of the maggot in this case study.
Question 2: Was Kasumi in the right position to keep the iron-man and maggot idling?
Question 3: Recommend a future for Tony as Tony.

"Guts, does not always mean glory" - frostdude

2010-04-24T08:37:00.000-07:00

Lately, life has gotten a little spiced up. Firstly, I think i should issue myself an Attend B for the next whole month. After resting for a weak, i decided to test myself on 2.4 again. Well, i did not complete it; fell out after 1.2. And before you knew it, I'm lying in bed feeling feverish. God, damnit.

Another interesting approach that came to light was a certain someone who tried to prove his superiority to me. At first, i felt afraid and threatened, but it turned out; shit load, this is my country, why am i scared of a simpleton foreigner?For a scrawny flipo, i think i'm just underestimating myself.

Nah, very aweful to blog about it because it sounds so silly in nature. Ha, basically i think it's all a one-way street issue. He perceives something that is so imaginary in his books and he believes through his confident authority and cute looks, he could dominate the situation. But don't let these deceive you, because its only the curtains covering the official photograph. I took me sometime to analyze, and boy can i analyze ;)

Nevertheless, it was all a big foolish action. Now, he's just gonna regret it. Wrong move dude, you messed with the wrong individual, on the wrong day, with the wrong message. What were you thinking? That you could just intercept this brilliant. It turns out, the game has turned. The rest will come to you, soon...very soon.

"I admire your confidence, but it will take more than that to break an experienced mind." - frostdude

2010-04-22T03:26:00.000-07:00

There comes a time when one may develop a tunnel vision because of his apparent fears of uncertainty and the need to hold on to a part of his confidence that he knows is proven to be true. I am that strong believer that if things go well, they will also turn bad in a split of a second. The choices that we make indefinitely prove that decision making is a mere sitting on the fence and awaiting the right intuition to take a side of the fence.

Like all fences, the grass is always greener on the other side. I always compare and benchmark myself to a certain threshold which I believe it is attainable. People say this is a form of challenge to ensure that performance is up to standard. But benchmarking is just a form of imitation because what you might have is something what another might not have. This is a sight that many do not see when they benchmark themselves to another formal creature.

I have time to think about all these months and how it flew by like how the papers do when a strong wind blows by. These papers simply flip flop in the mid-air and has no sense of which spot it might drop. Should life be this way as well? Should we always attempt to predict how things might land out? Are we that insecure of the probability of failure and incidence rates?

At the beginning of these months which blew by, I had lost all possible hopes that it would have been the worse climb ever. It was far worse than not bathing for 4 days in a row, or having constipation. The pain then was a mere instance and it would have been forgotten overtime. However, this new pain which I've felt was a stronger blow which endangered the body, mind and the soul so badly that it might actually embed essentially.

These possible hopes were never there to start with but i was keen that it would develop overtime. There was no form of benchmark, for I was benchmarking an intangible individual who is saying he has the passion and the strength to carry on the run. The choices i made these few months were equally intriguing as it meant many fences being sat on and determining the appropriate opportunity to leap off.

I pushed on those inferior moments and prayed for another compensation of pleasurable inspiration. The ache was more than just an ache, as it symbolized my potential downfall and weakness. Just staring down at it and its requirements, how was anyone suppose to do it? It was demanding more than what an individual could hand. It was impossible, said the writer.

But the effect of turning something impossible to possible within these few months have illustrated moments in my life when i underestimate myself and how miracles can work. Sometimes things just gets you under your nose, yes that sucks but it pays to keep a better close eye in the future!

It is times like this that makes you wonder, how capable are you?

"A person who is able to CAPtivate but is UNABLE to be able (ability), is UN-CAPABLE (incapable)" - frostdude

2010-04-19T05:58:00.000-07:00

Why did i think about this?

You know, there comes a time..when you try to take the world's blame on your shoulder, and pray that given another chance, you would very much do the right thing from the start. But you know, such thoughts are only a mere dream; and changing the past will only cause a butterfly effect in the ripples of time.

I was silly enough to try to dig but only to fail trying. I was hoping that Internet has that ability to keep track of my data 10 years ago. It was a naive thing to do but i thought it would come true. What was i finding? I was hoping to dig up my very first online diary which i made in 2002; which lasted till 2004-2005. I can't really remember when i started Blogspot, but.. sigh.

I was just wrapping myself back in the past. Till today, i still blame myself for how it actually turned out. It was pretty much unsolved, and you know things do not go unsolved, they only just get buried. And today, i managed to dig up this shit load. And till today, i still cant face...

It was an accident? I did not mean to murder a soul. And seeing how this soul has become, i had it all wrong then. I couldn't fix things on time. And time and time again, i open up the envelope which was sent and read those 3 hand-typed pages worth of feelings. It always bring back an unforgettable past.

It was in these 3 pages which i managed to find an unfortunately dead URL;

http://freeopendiary.com/entryview109.asp?authorcode=a643964&entry=10096

It wouldn't make a difference if i found it or not. I just wanted to save that entire diary down. It would have serve as another disappointing milestone. I blame myself because it was one of those times when someone was as vulnerable as a helpless mice in a cage and all one did was to turn on the tap to drown that mice. I did not know such honest mistake would serve a bigger development in my life today.

If it was settled then, would it be any better today? If it did not happen then, would it have led to a newer route? If i did not dial-up message and Motorola Sms-ed, would it disappear then? If i had known about the 3 pages then before it all happened, won't it have been great? It was bad to dig up this mess, but i just wanted to.. as perhaps an annually recollection of myself.

And till today, those 3 pages have not faded at all. It has always been filed with an envelope, hoping that one day this wrong could be made a better right than its already so wrong these rightful years.

I wonder, when will i get this settled?

"I wish then, that I was who I am today." - frostdude

2010-04-18T11:06:00.000-07:00

Another weak is able to begin. Somehow, i can't believe my eyes. Another weak has gone by just like that. We get so immersed in our daily life that, sometimes we just forget what day is it, and how far we have come. It seemed like last month when Army signed my release papers. It seemed like today was just another day to live for. It will only seem like another year, before i get back on my feet and face the corporate challenges.

My brother's birthday had just passed, on the 14th April. As we get older, these dates become evidently a MUST to remember, because before you know it, he'll move out and we'll probably see each other on important dates such as this. This weak passed pretty fast because i took a long weakend to lie helplessly in bed. Nevertheless, that feverish moment helped me straightened up my life.

I believe in everything we do, there's a phase and a time line. Its like a progress life cycle kind of thing. I still remember the phase of IRC-DOTA-CS. It was not long ago that i finally managed to get through this stage. I would tell myself that it would be impossible, impossible to get out of this addiction. I feel glad that my addiction to Facebook games was been well taken care of. Those 4 days in bed, made me realize how much i don't need facebook games in this life, especially now. I told myself, "holy shit, i went 4 days without it..."

I was discussing something with my father; it was regarding a personality-habit-issue. It is not comfortable to blog it out but well its a personality or something. I can't really put it into proper words to describe such behavior. Nevertheless, my father had it figured out like it was a simple cat-and-mice game. His words had significance but did not really help me weigh out the benefits and cost of this personality. His one-side view was surprisingly positive yet, i believe it would serve as a downfall for me; but yet again he disagrees.

Today (Sunday, still), i had another family gathering. I believe after a certain age, you begin to appreciate your family more. I guess with my circle of friends shrinking and existing friends shaking out of place, the only consistent reliance would have to come from the family. It's not a shame to say this is true either.

I took a trip down to AnchorPoint, and dined at the valued food court stall. It was nice to get out of the routine and experience something new. Though the lighting would dazzle me gently, it was still an enjoyable trip; of coz all expenses paid for! I took the entire night off, kept my hands on my Razer mouse and shot some cyber-terrorists.

The next few weaks to come, will be a hectic and yet fast-paced process. With all the assignment submission, printing, presentation, test and preparation, i'm so gonna drown myself in another dosage of stressification. My neck's hurting again, stress phase 1 is complete.

- NA -

2010-04-17T04:57:00.000-07:00

The feeling of wrapping up a present.. i always love that feeling. The contents in the present are the most annoying because its like predicting what the other party wants to receive. Its such a pain because his disappointment shows your lack of understanding and effort in preparing the contents of the present.

Oh shit, i think that's all i wanted to blog for today. That paragraph!! Because, i'm already wrapping the present up, so there's nothing much to say. Say i'm proud of myself for making it this far. All that emotional control over task matter has really improved my stamina and tolerance.

I've recently taken up an interest in Synthepop kind of music. Gosh, i did not know at first. I was on with Pet Shop boys. Then lately, i've been into Owl City and now Erasure... I simply love the emo music, i guess its very gratifying!! Sometimes, i would just drown in this kind of emo music, though its so happy and hip, there's always a side story to me.

I've fallen out from grace over the last 2 weaks. After the dreadful feverish experience, i'm back to the table with simply a mere recollection of what had happened. I was reading through Yahoo which posted an article about headaches and neck aches. And true enough, the first pointer regarding neck aches is.... STRESS! that was what i was feeling then, even when i was lying in bed.

But today, i guess as i wrapped these presents up. I feel a sense of achievement. I'm thinkin April's gonna be the 2nd lowest morale month in my entire year, and it should be left that way. March was the lowest morale month in 2010 and i don't intend to keep this streak going till May June July.

For now, i've been relying on ice-cream!! Somehow that brings happiness and relief to one's soul. It's the sweetness isn't it?? TELL ME!! Sticky chocolate vanilla ice-creammmmmm....

"Ask me my dreams, I'll tell you infinite." - frostdude

2010-04-15T09:24:00.000-07:00

Everyday seems like a robot in motion. There are days of my life when i look back and ask myself what i did last weak, and i can't even remember unless i blogged it out on that day. Otherwise, it would have seemed like any ordinary day, and when people ask "how are you, how's your day?", the best i could reply is "soso".

There are days in my life which i walk the Earth and sleep to get to another day. It is like a MUST to sleep, just to wake in another time. I wont say i hate my life, since its still going as planned. It is the lack of excitement, but actually how many people can actually say they find joy in living their lives when they're under intense stress and pressure from the environment. I for one, would say the climb is as difficult as you fall, because when you fall, you'll still need to climb up someday.

I was glad i had some exposure today; even my father said he was glad i had some interaction today. All those days, i travel to work and travel back, it all seems so routine in my life. There is interaction but its all work base, and its simply surrounded by walls of fake pretenses. I was at the bus stop, and i overheard this conversation regarding a topic which i thought i had a grasp on, but it seems it did not turn out the way i had looked at it.

I mean, can u believe it? When a book or a trusted person tells me something, my chances of believing it, its like 30-40% depending on the credibility. But, taking an advice from a bus-stop conversation, which really woke my senses up, how close is that to newbification? It was not a mere hear-say-believe, but i had time to think it through and it made good sense, that's why it came out in a different interpretation.

I had some social time today. I believe its a good exercise, for the soul to have a mingle once in awhile with pals whom are genuinely trustworthy and we feel that we can speak our minds out loud without any prejudgment or silent condemnation. I love this feeling, but sadly as my tenure of friends grow, they do not reflect or perhaps they change in nature, in such a way that, we all grow our secret tail after sometime. That's part of life, so i always accept such flaws in reality. That is probably why most of my friendships do not last more than 5 years, coz somehow after all the thick and thin that we go through, most of the remains are thin lines of fatal motion.

Renewal is always difficult in any relationship. They say the cut never grows back the ordinary skin. There's always some residue of discomfort and scars which will remind people of the bad comings rather than the happy moments in life. When bygones are bygones, they are merely swept under the carpet. And when someday when matters grow too big, the wind blows, and all these bygones will be out in the open again. The old story of forgive-and-forget has never been true, but its a cover-up for forgive-but-keep-in-mind.

We are all not good individuals worth the credibility to criticize another for his bad habits, school of thoughts and manners, though we try to seem superior one way or another. I, for one never love the idea of accepting flaws, because it shows weakness in ability. Nevertheless, sometimes its best to work with what you have, and when you have better; why stick with what you have.

I'm really sorry, i'm in a writing mood today. Thanks for a good time today, i've learnt alot for so little.

"Tolerance comes with a price of future aspects and foreseeable". - frostdude

2010-04-13T19:38:00.000-07:00

The darkness has set in over the last 4 days. I've been helplessly tracing its footsteps and it seems to have gone so deeply penetrating the depths of my inner filters. Though the feverish feeling has stopped, the mind is still in its battle to regain control.

The mind eating headaches have gone out of line. Nevertheless, there was no turning back if i needed to get some good rest. The fight continues as i dig through the mess it has created. The darkness has manipulated the best out of people in my dreams, turning them into social enemies and nightmares. My inability to comprehend would have me exiting in psychological fright.

At least, i feel glad i'm getting some sleep here and there because you can't dream if you don't sleep. I would awake feeling my social life is at stake but then come to think of it, the darkness can play all it wants, but in reality i'm in control. And if lose that social life, i can always gain it back. What matters most is removing this infestation in my mind, that poisons the every dream i have.

Until then, this is gonna be one of the many psychological episodes that my cognitive mind is sane enough to comprehend.

"The best part about dreams, is that they warn me of the dangers of you!" - frostdude

2010-04-11T23:09:00.000-07:00

There's a limit to how much you tell yourself "I can do it!".
There's a limit to how much you tell yourself "I can keep this up!"
There's a limit to how much you tell yourself "Be strong!"

It is a very bad tradeoff. Four days worth of downtime, was enough to let me regret my past actions of keeping up this busy-as-a-bee harvest. Right now, my neck's feeling rather stiff like a dick. Its probably because i slept for hours on 1 side. This paragraph is gonna be loads of random. The worse part of all, is that you can't sleeep! With sounds amplified, it is like you know what is everybody doing, even your neighbors.

I got up on this very Monday, ready to tell this virus; "fuck it!". I had enough of its nonsense, coming back and fore like forgetful bell boy. Did you forget something? Did you forget to infect me at that spot? Yes, god damnit, it was down and it was up again within hours. My weekends were ruined because of this up-down syndrome.

I had to cancel most of my early-weak activities; now sitting still feeling like an untrained muscle-less kid. The worse part was i actually exercised the day before i got sick. The aches were off the charts. My eyes have grown inwards and my head is spinning like a compass. NORTH, NORTH, NORTH, SOUTH, SOUTH, BACK NORTH, NORTHWEST.

Weasel!!! I could squeeze a weasel now. Gosh, i'm so glad at least i'm in the safe zone for now, with jugs of water beside me. Its like they are accompanying me and i'm adopting the good old army style, water parading every hour and saluting to the toilet bowl every few minutes; THANK YOU SIR!

I watched CopOut recently in bed. Its a damn comedy with good kicks and a fantastic storyline. I'm glad Bruce is taking acting to other movie genre. For me, i'm just gonna kick back and relax till mid-weak where hopefully good food and company will bring back the energy in me. Talk about a spoilt moment for me. Last few entries back, i spoke about this untamed energy source in me, well it was too overwhelming that i fell ill! Ha!

Here's some Good, Bad, Interesting i would like to share which i was thinking when i was in bed...

20 minutes

Good; Phew, i won't be late today for my appointment/lesson/meeting!!!
Bad; Holy shit, i'm late 20 minutes already
Interesting; M..asturbating to a porn video, knowing the police will be breaking an entry into your house in 20 minutes !!

Locks

Good; Keeps you safe
Bad; You lost your keys
Interesting; Y...ou lost your keys and locked yourself in building caught on fire!!!

Undergarments

Good; Comfortable to wear
Bad; Have to wash ;(
Interesting; M...ore comfortable to wear another gender's, but when giving your maid to wash it.. hmmm...??

"Sometimes it's better to debt than credit, especially when it comes to sleep". - frostdude

2010-04-10T08:14:00.000-07:00

As the prophet spoke, so did it follow that one day the warrior would fall in the midst of his tough journey. (as continued from the previous entry)

Yes, once again, health has gotten the best of me. This country has made us work like robots and lifeless creatures. The crack on the wall could not be sustain any further. The strokes of time were persistent and could not be avoided. These few days were simply inevitable, thus this is probably the first fallen for 2010.

I was bedridden for almost 2 days. I was a mouse trapped in its cage. It was a torture, for i couldn't sleep even though i begged myself that i would. Even if i had any sleep, it felt like a normal day's rest; they call it the "close-eye-open-eye" instance. It felt that i had gotten another dosage of adrenaline to last another day within minutes. Imagine, in the future, human beings could avoid sleep with a simple expensive dose of "sleepaholic".

I tossed and turned for over 12 hours before i could get myself into this slumber. It was like a long queue outside Boiler and Powerhouse. There was no end and the only thing which had its way was daylight and moonlight. The daylight kept me on-the-move even though i was in my sleep. The moonlight felt it was a moment to think about my activities. There was no differentiation anymore.

My hearing senses went up 5 folds. I could hear every loud noise 5 times and amplified even the softest noises. I felt every voice being spoken to be a bass 5 trance music. Now i know how it feels for the ants who decided to build a home near my subwoofer. It was terrified with this new hearing ability, i had to ask everybody to shut da hell up.

My neck was killing me as if i hung 5 rifles over my neck and walked 12km non-stop. The pain was simply intolerable. My throat was totally inflammed with any thought of avoiding the burning sensation of every saliva swallowed.

I wasn't doing so well, it shot up from 37.6 to 38.7. It was not common. I normally had to deal with such burnout with a night's rest and some medication. This time round, it felt different. It felt like a major burnout with the temperature heading sky high and seeing the doctor was a compulsory.

But one thing got me real straightened out, i've decided that my daily addictions have been an added value in the whole burnout process. As such, i've decided to drop my daily commitments to Facebook and its games. After all, these games have become so routine that i could position my mouse at that particular screen and click before it even appears.

"The fall is the first step to realization" - frostdude

2010-04-08T07:09:00.001-07:00

The soldier of time has been stripped weary of his surroundings. He drags his feet through the cracked pavements of pits of flame. His sword grew as heavy as twice his weight. The sword left a stain of cracked warrior morale and poor judgment. He did not heed the warnings of the sky nor the imperial guards. He was destined to find his own path, for fate has given up all hopes and believes of his existence.

The brave man had an eye at the front but his legs had his feet strained together. With every walk, he felt the raging termites running up his legs. They were as numb as hell, from all that journey. The quest was still up ahead, but the destination was nowhere in sight. The only indications of the warrior's path are a mere compass and a blunt sword. He had neglected to polish and sharpen the sword, for his enemies were of the darkness elements. His sword would not do them any harm, for they have been in this world for centuries.

Staring right at the compass, he stood helplessly in the midst of giving up and laying his sword down to rest. He whispered words down his breathe, and said "If only..". Time was not on his side, nor was the darkness going to wait for his arrival. The darkness dawned down and overcast the true blue skies, swallowing every happiness it could find.

The warrior was at his wits ends. The journey was tough. The hunger had made it worse and the sand storm had pushed him an inch further with every passing step forward. He glazed up front, but all he could see was the dark sky lights, gloomy clouds and the endless phantoms that lurk in ambush. He twitched, sighed and marched on in the greatest uncertainty, hoping one day this darkness would be lifted.

"It points straight. No matter how much you miss, you're still going straight" - frostdude

2010-04-05T22:21:00.000-07:00

In the clear, finally. I'm in the clear now. This entry will have a single meaning compared to the rest of the other entries. It is my way of saying...

All that nonsense was brushed away after several inspirational follow-ups. All those weaks of frustration and suddenly a greater surge of anger and desperation when i became the only working party. Perhaps, i've taken for granted that independence is the key to survival when i started to feel the cohesiveness. I was feeling some withdrawal all of a sudden when help was helplessly not available.

Today, my friend told me about my other friend's tragic incident and how bad this friend felt leaving me stranded. In fact, i was not remotely angry but kind of guilty apparently. I never knew he felt this way about his departure, coz it seemed like he abruptly left with a phone call of "hi, i really gotta go back.." I was devastating but i told him, "ya go ahead go ahead". But after hearing what my other friend had to say about his feelings, reflections and issues, i think he has already done enough on his part.

Another recollection was the month of March, whereby I got caught up with my arch villains. I was pushed to the near extent that i decided to walk the plank and hope to be rescued by Superman at the very last moment. I told himself, "fine, let's all sink in this lifeboat together". I was at the nearest peak of giving up and then i received a pleasant email. It was in another language which i should be familiar but i am not APPARENTLY. I had it translated and found it to be very inspiring. It was embedded in my mind passively and come to think of it now, it really was one of the energy-blast for me recently.

The last inspiring take-home was the conversation with a fellow respected role model. I spoke to him regarding the progress of the what-if memorandum. He found it to be rather intriguing and pleasant. I love talking to him as he is such an independent opinion giver, that i always get reliable feedback from him, although not very timely. He even shared his personal experience and opinions. He spoke about his observation and understanding of the latest happenings and believe that i am way short handed. That, really surprised me, seeing how he took the risk to be informally bias and speak his mind. I did not feel that much of a distant anymore, but rather a true friend indeed. I confessed that it has not been very easy on my end, since the talk is nothing without the WALK. Nevertheless, he spoke about keeping up the goodwill spirit, for someday it will pay off as a character and in future personality building.

These 3 people really made my day, and this is the kind of intangible reward which no one else can honestly give without having a hidden agenda. Most people i know, they do not put up a good front to start with, thus there is not mutual give-back. I know somebody has to make the sacrifice first, but it is time, someone do the same in return first. I'm tired of the fact that i'm the one having to take a personal initiatives and get back a reward that is subjectively compromised or of a certain self-interest goal.

And as this entry comes to an end, i would say even the least that one can say is thank you. its not a mere means for a gesture but its for a long term remembrance that when someone looks back, the best that one can ever remember are your words of thanks rather than the plain sight of a mere person. it goes a long way to say thank you, rather than thanks or thx or thks. Just taking that extra effort makes a difference and even if you deny that fact, it shows the person's commitment and level of gratitude. Short forms simply show the other party's means of an informality for getting something done.

"The best has yet to come." - frostdude

2010-04-05T06:07:00.001-07:00

It is amazing to trust people, and its also amazing to be amazed by how much you can't, at the end of the day. They say they KNOW! they KNOW!, but they don't. They know of the apparent time limit and the credibility that they are putting into this promise, but they just think its simply worth taking the risk to break that promise or not meet that particular time line.

So how am i going to trust that you'll live up to my expectations? Or perhaps you have already lost that trust after all. And somebody will have to take on the extra compensation because of your negligence. Which is me.

People these days are no longer dependable. Even if you produce 5 - 30 minutes late, its OKIE! Its time worth waiting. But when you DO NOT even intend to give any evidence of your progress work, that's totally not acceptable. The worse part is this continues for subsequent time. This is so unbearable.

Who can you trust these days?

"A promise is certainty a promise, live by it or be better off alone." - frostdude